I am my own worst enemy, always have been and probably always will be. Partly it's because I am a perfectionist and I want everything to be just right, which it never can be, and thus I beat myself up for failing. And partly it's because I am so stinking self-centered that I constantly need reassurance from others that I am great, and the only way to get that is to actually be great...which I'm not...at least not all the time and certainly not at everything! So what ends up happening is that I have this idea in my head of what I think I am suppose to be...or what I think others think I am suppose to be (cause that's not confusing at all)...and then because I can never live up to those expectations, I start getting really down on myself and beat myself up and basically become the things I fear being the most...a failure, a loser, a life-waster.
As I was thinking about this earlier today, I was reminded of a conversation I had with my boss's wife last night. We were talking about life and how frustrating things can be sometimes, and I jokingly shared with her how I am going to make myself a t-shirt that says, "God's a better judge than I am!" (or just have the quote "I judge better" ~ God, written on it), because I constantly need the reminder that I am a horrible judge and thus should leave the judgment up to God, the one whose perfect at it (and who can be perfect at it because He has all the information)!
Now the thing is, admitting that I am a terrible judge, means that I must admit that not only do I judge situations and people unfairly, BUT I also judge myself unfairly! I am so hard on myself....I have people constantly tell me this in my life and I always brush it off with a "yeah I know" (with a silent "but who cares" afterwards) because in a way I think I deserve the "punishment" of my own judgment. I know who I am... at least I think I do. I know how I screw up and fail and the 9,000 unholy thoughts that go thru my head each day. And thus I assume that this is what determines who I am. I judge myself on this behavior because that seems like the only appropriate thing to do. But...then I think of my faith and the cross and my God and I wonder, "Wait. Is this really how God sees me?!?!"
One of the key points of this life of faith is the acknowledgement that I am a sinner and there is nothing, no amount of good I can do to save myself, and yet while I was in my deepest darkest place of sin, God still loved me and sent His son to die to save me. It's on the basis of the blood of Christ that covers all my sin and transposes the perfection of Jesus unto me, that God now judges me. Does that mean I can live however I want? NO, obviously! But it also means that all those things I get wrong and screw up, don't define me anymore! I am a child of God. I am His spotless bride! I have been justified by faith in Him! My judgment is no longer based on what I do or even what I think...it's based on God...and thankfully, He judges better! So it's time to stop beating myself up! It's time to stop trying to take God's seat on the judgment chair. It's time to let Him do what He does best, and learn to just trust what He says about me! My identity is in Him and that is all I need to know! Amen!
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