Do you ever feel like God is trying to teach you something... to show you a new way of life... and yet every time He does you fight against it or give up on it, so He has to keep teaching it to you again and again? No? It's just me then? Huh. Well, maybe that's why this year has seemed like one big loop-de-loop around the same mountain over and over again. In fact, it seems like all year long God has been trying to teach me the same thing, and lucky for me, God doesn't give up as easily as I do. In fact it has become obvious He has been trying to get my attention all year in order to teach me an important lesson and to make sure I really get it. And it seems like maybe I might finally be starting to.
You see, at the beginning of this year I went to a prayer meeting where I honestly walked in thinking that I was going to be delivered from my deep dark struggle in a moments notice and would never have to deal with any of my junk again. Of course, I walked out completely disappointed, because while I do believe God can work that way, He usually doesn't...and I left feeling just as bound as I felt walking into that service. Anyway, during that meeting there was a lot of talk about strongholds in our lives and how they attach to us and take us down because we make agreements with their lies. I remember during that meeting we were suppose to look at the lies that we had agreed with, repent of them, and then replace them with the word of God. I on the other hand had spent the whole prayer time crying and complaining over the fact that my lies were so true and there was no way around them (of course I didn't really know I was doing that at the time).
Then fast forward to a few weeks later. By then I had joined and been a part of a small group of ladies who met weekly to grow together in our faith. During those meetings we talked a lot about dealing with the junk in our lives and that the way to go about doing that was to look at our struggles, discover what lies were behind them, and then to replace those lies with the truth of God's word through prayer. It took several weeks of me hearing this message over and over again to even begin to start buying into it and believing that maybe some of the lies I had been believing were just that...lies.
It was then that I started looking at some of the biggest questions I had in my life...things like why I felt abandoned by God and why it felt like I had been blackballed from the community of Christ followers. I started to dig in and look to God for answers and for a while things started to look up. So, being me, I did what I always tend to do when things seem to be getting better...I stopped doing the very thing that was helping turn things around. I stopped praying, I stopped looking to scripture and evaluating my beliefs against the truth of God's word. I didn't do it spitefully, I just took my eyes off the prize so to speak and thought..I'm cured, I don't need this anymore (a lie in and of itself).
Well eventually our small group ended and then, before long, things started to fall apart in my mind again. In fact, I soon found myself picking up old lies and thinking that once again they had to be true and that I had only been fooling myself to think that anything would ever really change. I remember thinking at that time how the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results, but assuming my insane choice was believing that recognizing the lies in my life would actually change anything, instead of seeing the insanity of believing those lies to begin with.
But now you can fast forward to just the other week when I got reconnected with the words of Carlos Whittaker (I say reconnected cause at one point in my life I was a huge follower of his...but that's a whole other story for another day). Anyway, I heard him preaching as part of Fresh Life Church's weekly podcast and I listened as he shared a message from parts of his new book "Kill the Spider". After listening to the podcast, I eventually decided just to pick up the book (or in my case download it unto my audible) and can I just say that was one of the best decisions I have made in a long time. As I listened to Carlos share his story through this book it soon became obvious to me that message he was sharing was the same one that God had been trying to speak to me all year...that to kill your spider (Carlos's words not mine), I had to come face to face with the lies I had been believing, repent of them, and replace them with God's truth.
Now in sharing this post, I am in no way trying to say that now that I have read this book I have no more problems or junk in my life...cause that would be a lie. In fact I think I have really only begun to scratch the surface of the amount of junk I have allowed to pile up in my heart over the last several years, but I feel like I'm finally starting to Get God's lesson...and I am truly beginning to take that hard look at my life and myself and to allow God to help me sift through what is truth and what is false in it. In fact I feel more open to allowing God to work in me than I have in a long time and I believe God is on the verge of doing something great in my heart. Now, I don't know how long it's going to take to clear out all the lies or where this journey might lead me, but I do know it will all be worth it and so I am willing to take on the challenge. So would you pray for me and keep encouraging me to keep going and remind me that the truth is out there and that the truth is found in God alone! I know this is where God wants me to head and I know this is the path to freedom in Him. God has been speaking to me all year about this and I am finally really ready to listen and I am excited to see where this journey takes me. Thank you God... I think I am finally starting to get it!