The other day I was walking through the hallway at school with one of my students while carrying a large box in my arms. Now being the clumsy person that I am, I naturally bumped into a cart full of cooking supplies that was sitting in the hall, pushing the majority of the contents of the cart onto the floor. I let out a heavy sigh, as kind of a "of course that would happen to me" response, and my student looked up at me and said, "It's okay Ms. Jessica. We all make mistakes. You just need to learn from them". Now, this is a sentiment I often repeat in my classroom, and it was nice to see that this student, in particular, had in some way picked up on it, but these words hit me like a ton of bricks. You see, while I strive to teach my students that mistakes are how we learn, I personally hate making mistakes! It's something that I have struggled with since I was a little girl. In fact, I tend to be a perfectionist. It wasn't until recently though, like in the last year or so, that it's really started dawning on me that my desire to be perfect has very little to do with never getting anything wrong and everything to do with fearing that what I do get wrong will be cause for rejection.
Now if you've been around this blog for some time, you know that this seems to be a running theme in many of my posts... this fear or rejection. And the only thing I can see this fear boiling down to is my lack of understanding about my acceptance in Christ. The truth is, if I truly understood how much God loves me and how valuable and important I am to Him, I wouldn't worry about being rejected by other people, and I would stop being so afraid of making mistakes. It's all so interconnected.
And I've probably talked about this before, but one thing I have been trying to do is take the things I am struggling with...like fears... and analyzing them to determine what lies I am believing, and then comparing those lies to the truth of God. In the times that I have actually done this and then continually preached the correlating scriptures to myself, I have actually seen a difference in the power my fears have, and I've watched those issues become less of a burden for me. Yet for some reason, I keep forgetting this valuable practice.
I think part of the problem is I don't always feel like I know what I am doing when it comes to spiritual things. Kind of a funny statement for a former missionary to make, I know, but true nonetheless. The reality is often I will start of seeking God's truth one way, then flip-flop to another method, only to get bored and try something else...all of which leads to discouragement on my part and a feeling like I will never get it right (see...perfectionist!). For the last few weeks, I have been reading scripture in a chronological order hoping that something might just jump out to me related to a lie I am believing without actually considering what those lies are and what struggle they might be connected to. Let's just say that hasn't been the best system.
Then this morning at church they handed out a pamphlet of 90 statements from scripture that state who we are in Christ. As I was reading through the paper this afternoon, I was overwhelmed with how many scriptures there are that speak to our acceptance in Christ and what that means. It was like as I was reading each statement I was reminded that my struggles with fear of rejection are only overcome by taking the time to let these verses really sink in! As the song goes, that is how I fight my battles (although that song is technically about worship..but what I am saying is still a valid point!)
The Bible says in John 8:32 that when you know the truth, it will set you free. I think that's what I experience when I actually consider what lies I am believing and use scripture to speak to my struggles.... freedom. So while making mistakes might not be my favorite thing, recognizing that my perfectionist nature comes out of a fear of rejection, and then seeking what God's word has to say about who I am in Him, is only for the best. So maybe I really should take my own advice and believe that mistakes truly do help us learn!
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