Luke 12:34
I'd like to think that I am a generous person, but the truth of the matter is...I'm not. I look at my bank account, and I often think I will never have enough money to have the things I want in life, so instead of giving away what I have I often hold onto it tightly and try to figure out how I can get more. Now some of that comes from the fear that someday something is going to happen and I'm going to need money to get out of it. The rest pretty much stems from feeling like I should have already obtained a certain level of stability at this point in my life, and since I haven't, I feel like I must work harder and strive more in order to save and get there. But, even I know that no matter how hard I work and how much I save, I'll never have enough. I'm always going to feel the what if's and should be's creeping into my mind telling me that I have to keep saving and doing more to have what I think I should have. It's like an addition.
However, when I really think about it, this addiction to having, to working hard and getting more, really has nothing to do with money or things and everything to do with feeling important and valuable. Somewhere along the line, I learned that a meaningful life means you have x, y, and z and since I don't have those things yet, I keep working hard to get them. In reality, I am just trying to win approval, and I think if I can just get enough money, be stable enough, then people will have to accept me and see me as important. Yet...life is not really like that...or at least not the kind of life I want to live. There's got to be more... and I know there is.
Today at church our pastor talked about aligning our hearts with the heart of God, particularly when it comes to how we spend our resources. He used the verse above to remind us that life's not really about what we have but who has us. When we know that we are God's and all the riches of heaven are ours through Him, we are no longer afraid of not having enough because we know God will always provide for us. Accepting this changes our thinking and frees us from being caught in the trap of always needing more. It enables us to become generous people.
Now I know it seems like I am talking about two different things here...first I started talking about money and generosity, then I started talking about approval and acceptance, then I went back to money... but the thing is, at least in my life, the two things go hand in hand. I work hard to make money so I can save it and become something and people will accept me. But, based on today's sermon, if I truly understood that I was already accepted and fully loved by God, I would stop striving and not only receive from God but know that I can give it all away and still be loved and loveable. It's all about a shift in my mindset. It's knowing and believing that God is for me and will provide for all my needs.
I wish I could say, one sermon has changed everything for me in this area. That contemplating God's love and goodness towards me automatically freed me from my own striving and clinging to what I have, but honestly...I'm a work in progress. There are still so many questions I have, so much I don't know, and so much growing I need to do in this area. But I am choosing to believe that the more I press into God, the more that I test Him in this area, the more I will see Him move in my life. So I guess the challenge to myself is can I trust God more, believe I am fully accepted in Him, and allow that truth to change me into a more generous being? I guess time will tell.
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