Casting Crowns with Friends...

    This past weekend I got to take two of my girlfriends to see Casting Crowns in concert at the Mass Mutual Center!  It was such an awesome concert... and not just because I have spent the last several years being ministered to by their songs... but because I got to share this special worship moment with my friends!  You see, these women have stood by me through my darkest most heart-wrenching times.  They have listened to me, prayed for me, supported and encourage me even when I was least deserving.  They've never judged me or pushed me to move through my struggles faster then I am ready to.  They've just been there, with me, trusting Jesus for me...and I couldn't be more grateful.  So as I sat there in this concert, letting each song bring up memories of where I've been and a celebration of where I am at, I couldn't help but be overwhelmed to have once again these ladies stand beside me.

  You see I've never been very good at voicing my struggles.  I have a tendency to bottle everything up because, as I shared in my last post, I fear if I show my weakness then people will reject me.  And to be honest I haven't really told these ladies my whole story, yet in the moments I've come to them in need, they've shown me nothing but love.

   The interesting things was during the Casting Crowns concert Mark C. Hall showed a video of himself speaking about how he witnessed to a friend and how it was his imperfection that allowed him to share the gospel humbly.  His words captured this idea of letting God use your weakness to shine a light through you...and the truth of that sentiment really struck a chord with me.  I think in part that was because I was standing beside these two women who have allowed Jesus to do just that through them.  Neither of these ladies is perfect.  And while they've always shown me support, they have also shared so many of their struggles with me and allowed me to support them too.  Yet it wasn't until I was sitting there with them listening to Mark's words that I began to realize how it is in the middle of their struggles that I've seen Jesus the most.  They've never been perfect, they've never had it all together, yet they have always allowed Jesus to use even their weaknesses to show them how to be there for me!  In fact, they've often admitted their faults as in the midst of ministering to me, as a testimony to God's greatness! Standing there worshipping God with them while having this realization made me even that much more thankful for their lives and how God continually uses them to bless my life!

  So while I went to this concert to enjoy some good music with good company, I left with the realization that God is always at work, and just like the bible says in 2 Corinthians 12:9, even (or maybe especially in) our weakness God is made perfectly strong!  So, Lord, I pray that you would help me to be more willing to be vulnerable and allow you to minister to others through my struggles.  Help me to learn from my friends and from this message from Mark that even my imperfections can be used by you to touch the hearts of others.  Make me more like you Jesus and shine your light through me.  Amen

The Truth That Sets You Free...

  The other day I was walking through the hallway at school with one of my students while carrying a large box in my arms.  Now being the clumsy person that I am, I naturally bumped into a cart full of cooking supplies that was sitting in the hall, pushing the majority of the contents of the cart onto the floor.  I let out a heavy sigh, as kind of a "of course that would happen to me" response, and my student looked up at me and said, "It's okay Ms. Jessica.  We all make mistakes.  You just need to learn from them".  Now, this is a sentiment I often repeat in my classroom, and it was nice to see that this student, in particular, had in some way picked up on it, but these words hit me like a ton of bricks.  You see, while I strive to teach my students that mistakes are how we learn, I personally hate making mistakes!  It's something that I have struggled with since I was a little girl.  In fact, I tend to be a perfectionist.  It wasn't until recently though, like in the last year or so, that it's really started dawning on me that my desire to be perfect has very little to do with never getting anything wrong and everything to do with fearing that what I do get wrong will be cause for rejection.

  Now if you've been around this blog for some time, you know that this seems to be a running theme in many of my posts... this fear or rejection.  And the only thing I can see this fear boiling down to is my lack of understanding about my acceptance in Christ.  The truth is, if I truly understood how much God loves me and how valuable and important I am to Him, I wouldn't worry about being rejected by other people, and I would stop being so afraid of making mistakes.  It's all so interconnected.

  And I've probably talked about this before, but one thing I have been trying to do is take the things I am struggling with...like fears... and analyzing them to determine what lies I am believing, and then comparing those lies to the truth of God.  In the times that I have actually done this and then continually preached the correlating scriptures to myself, I have actually seen a difference in the power my fears have, and I've watched those issues become less of a burden for me.  Yet for some reason, I keep forgetting this valuable practice.

  I think part of the problem is I don't always feel like I know what I am doing when it comes to spiritual things.  Kind of a funny statement for a former missionary to make, I know, but true nonetheless.  The reality is often I will start of seeking God's truth one way, then flip-flop to another method, only to get bored and try something else...all of which leads to discouragement on my part and a feeling like I will never get it right (see...perfectionist!).  For the last few weeks, I have been reading scripture in a chronological order hoping that something might just jump out to me related to a lie I am believing without actually considering what those lies are and what struggle they might be connected to.  Let's just say that hasn't been the best system.

  Then this morning at church they handed out a pamphlet of 90 statements from scripture that state who we are in Christ.  As I was reading through the paper this afternoon, I was overwhelmed with how many scriptures there are that speak to our acceptance in Christ and what that means.  It was like as I was reading each statement I was reminded that my struggles with fear of rejection are only overcome by taking the time to let these verses really sink in!  As the song goes, that is how I fight my battles (although that song is technically about worship..but what I am saying is still a valid point!)

  The Bible says in John 8:32 that when you know the truth, it will set you free.  I think that's what I experience when I actually consider what lies I am believing and use scripture to speak to my struggles.... freedom.  So while making mistakes might not be my favorite thing, recognizing that my perfectionist nature comes out of a fear of rejection, and then seeking what God's word has to say about who I am in Him, is only for the best.  So maybe I really should take my own advice and believe that mistakes truly do help us learn!

 

Treasure, Generousity, and Trusting God

                                  "Where your treasure is, there your heart will also be."
                                                                     Luke 12:34

  I'd like to think that I am a generous person, but the truth of the matter is...I'm not.  I look at my bank account, and I often think I will never have enough money to have the things I want in life, so instead of giving away what I have I often hold onto it tightly and try to figure out how I can get more.  Now some of that comes from the fear that someday something is going to happen and I'm going to need money to get out of it.  The rest pretty much stems from feeling like I should have already obtained a certain level of stability at this point in my life, and since I haven't, I feel like I must work harder and strive more in order to save and get there.  But, even I know that no matter how hard I work and how much I save, I'll never have enough.  I'm always going to feel the what if's and should be's creeping into my mind telling me that I have to keep saving and doing more to have what I think I should have.  It's like an addition.

  However, when I really think about it, this addiction to having, to working hard and getting more, really has nothing to do with money or things and everything to do with feeling important and valuable.  Somewhere along the line, I learned that a meaningful life means you have x, y, and z and since I don't have those things yet, I keep working hard to get them.  In reality, I am just trying to win approval, and I think if I can just get enough money, be stable enough, then people will have to accept me and see me as important.  Yet...life is not really like that...or at least not the kind of life I want to live.  There's got to be more... and I know there is.

  Today at church our pastor talked about aligning our hearts with the heart of God, particularly when it comes to how we spend our resources.  He used the verse above to remind us that life's not really about what we have but who has us.  When we know that we are God's and all the riches of heaven are ours through Him, we are no longer afraid of not having enough because we know God will always provide for us.  Accepting this changes our thinking and frees us from being caught in the trap of always needing more.  It enables us to become generous people.

  Now I know it seems like I am talking about two different things here...first I started talking about money and generosity, then I started talking about approval and acceptance, then I went back to money... but the thing is, at least in my life, the two things go hand in hand.  I work hard to make money so I can save it and become something and people will accept me.  But, based on today's sermon, if I truly understood that I was already accepted and fully loved by God, I would stop striving and not only receive from God but know that I can give it all away and still be loved and loveable.  It's all about a shift in my mindset.  It's knowing and believing that God is for me and will provide for all my needs.

  I wish I could say, one sermon has changed everything for me in this area.  That contemplating God's love and goodness towards me automatically freed me from my own striving and clinging to what I have, but honestly...I'm a work in progress. There are still so many questions I have, so much I don't know, and so much growing I need to do in this area.  But I am choosing to believe that the more I press into God, the more that I test Him in this area, the more I will see Him move in my life. So I guess the challenge to myself is can I trust God more, believe I am fully accepted in Him, and allow that truth to change me into a more generous being?  I guess time will tell.