At the end of church today, our
campus pastor said something in passing that truly grabbed my attention. As he was closing up service and doing the
altar call when he said something like, “let your guard down” …and I immediately
thought, “when was the last time I actually had my guard down at church?”. Honestly, I can’t even remember. It seems like for years now I have been super
skeptical when I walk in the church doors…skeptical of people, skeptical of
sermons, skeptical of God himself. I don’t
want to be like that…I really don’t… and yet…I am…and sometimes it really
sucks. In fact, I often wonder how much
I am missing out on just because I can’t seem to “let go and let god” as they
say.
I guess it all started in Ecuador.
I moved to this beautiful country to work with this beautiful people and
felt like God had really led me to that place… and yet through such an
experience I faced challenges that eventually lead my relationship with God and
Christians in general to the breaking point.
I went from trusting God to lead me, to wondering if He was even for me...
from believing that God could use my life to spread the gospel, to wondering why
He even would.. and from trusting in the power of community, to experiencing the
pain of having the very people you depend on flip on you and cause you to doubt if you've ever been loveable. I basically walked into that country one
person and left it a completely different person…and it has taken me years to even
begin to try and put my relationships with God and others back on track. So yeah, I have a guard up when it comes to church, and God, and the Christian community.
So now that leads me to wondering how do I start letting that guard down,
especially when so many of my interactions with the Christian community and God
himself today bring up all the pain of the past several years. Fortunately, or not I know the answer…
dealing with the pain itself… but who wants to do that?! Just kidding… Kind of. I mean truly who wants to deal with
pain? No one. But even though that’s true…it’s also a necessary
step to healing and growth… and healing and growth is what I want. So, even though sometimes the truth… sucks… but it’s also
necessary and so now the hard work must begin.
