For the past week or so, my mind has been a bit of a muddled mess. There's just so much overwhelming things floating around in there that I almost would rather not think about anything then sift through the truth, lies, visions, doubts, gratitude, fears, etc bouncing around. I guess that's what I get for not really taking that much time for myself this past month. It seems since leaving for the medical brigade in the middle of last month, I really haven't stopped going. I was there, then I traveled for a few days, then I spent two and a half weeks non-stop prepping for the short term team that came (as well as continuing on with my normal duties), then the team was here for a week, and then I spent majority of this week helping my boss and his wife move. Not that I am complaining about any of that, cause I'm not, it's just I really haven't taken much time to just sit still and be with myself...and now things have started to add up.
I know for one thing that God is truly teaching me a lot about myself and who He is to me, this year. It has become increasingly obvious to me that I am the kind of person who often looks to others to find some sense of approval or acceptance. In some ways that is a very human thing to do, but in another sense, as a Christian, I know that any real sense of approval and acceptance has to come from God. People are finicky...one minute you are their best friend, the next their worst enemy. And no matter how reliable we all try to be, none of us is fail proof.
I would have to say, in the last month, particularly in the past two-three weeks, I have been reminded over and over and over again that it's only in God and God alone that I can truly trust. If I look to others, I'm often disappointed by their lack of measuring up to my expectations. and if I look to myself, I'm often frustrated by my own inability to do the right thing. Even when it comes to things as simple as needing a little comfort, as much as people try it's never enough. Only God can truly offer the comfort we really need and are looking for.
I'm pretty sure this isn't the first time I've learned this lesson. Like I wrote in the newsletter I sent out to my supporters today, I think throughout my whole life God has continually been teaching me to fully rely on Him, just on ever deepening levels. The comfort in that is knowing that no matter what is going on in my head at the moment, as I hand it over to God, He will untangle it all and if I allow Him to, He'll make it all into a beautiful masterpiece.