Last week, was such a mumble jumbled, upside down, inside out kind of week. And I guess for that reason without even realizing it, I ended up experimenting (in a way) in how I operate or do things in this thing we call life. Whether out of desire or need (or maybe a combination of both), I tried new things (or old things in new ways), I stepped through fears and I discovered once again that my relationships with God and people are constantly evolving.
For instance, I've been reading a book on boundaries and this week I actually put into practice something I learned in reading it... that is the art of saying "No". I've never been good at saying "No", whether out of fear of disappointing people and being rejected or fear that I'll lose the sense of value to someone or something. Yet I realized this week, even when people don't respond well to your boundaries... even when they fight back and kick and scream cause you're not being the doormat they expect you to be.... you still get to keep your value and their disappointment/rejection isn't forever.
Then I had a few doctors appointments where I heard all sorts of statistics associated with big scary words that made my head spin and I felt the weight of a burden too heavy for me to bare alone crushing down on me, and I did something I have programed myself not to do....that is to reach out for help. What I learned is that while not everyone is capable of caring my burdens with me, some people are. I expected, based on my own experiences of the past year, that my friends would tell me to get over it, that I am on my own because they have their own lives to deal with and I'm freaking out over nothing. Instead I found a listening ear that was unphased by my middle of the night call where I was crying and venting all my fears. In fact instead of giving me all those nice sounding but completely unhelpful placated responses we all tend to give in situations like this, I received a listening ear that cried with me and let the suckiness of it all seep into us both while carrying me to Jesus on her knees.
I also took the advice of someone who told me not to rip up my whole puzzle just because I couldn't make one piece fit where and how I wanted it to, which finally caused me to take my fingers out of my own ears long enough to hear God whisper in the wind "I am here". In fact there is a portion of Psalm 139 where David ponders "Where can I go from your spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?" and I was reminded that what was true for him is true for me, whether I go up to the heavens or find myself in the depths, God is there. I may want things neat and orderly, but God can handle my mess. I may want all the answers and have to know why things are the way they are, but God is okay with my questions. I may feel like I am lost at sea with no land in sight, but God is the wave of the ocean holding my head above the water. I can rest in that.
So, while last week wasn't an easy week... while it left me drop kicked and screaming... it also taught me some knew things and gave me new experiences and I guess that's a pretty good way to finish up one year and start another. At least that's how I feel for today.