Yesterday's blog post meant a lot. It came out of me and I shared it and more people then ever before took the time to read it! It was/is amazing....and absolutely terrifying. And now, opening up my computer to type today, I am feeling quite overwhelmed. In yesterday's blog post, I shared my heart in a subtle yet very honest kind of way, which is great but also made getting out of bed and heading out of my room feel all sorts of uncomfortable this morning (I literally tiptoed from my room to the bathroom, hoping not to be heard or noticed).
In a way what I wrote was freeing...to be that vulnerable and to see other people respond to it, means something to me...it's special. Yet on a whole different level, I kind of wish I could wear a bag over my head or have an invisibility cloke... at least for today. I am not ashamed of what I wrote, but I will admit that every time someone has mentioned to me in the last 24 hours that they've read my latest post, I almost want to cringe. It's like in the moment of writting I had all this confidence and gusto to just put myself out there, and then today reality hit... and I realize, I just put myself "out-there" (eek! What was I thinking?!)!
I'm not really a spot-light person. I mean sometimes I can act silly and goofy and draw in a crowd, but I'm not one to go searching for said crowd. I don't feel comfortable with all eyes on me. And yet, I want to write and to share my story. The two just don't want to go together!
I love the art of writing...and having people appreciate what I share. I just don't appreciate the idea that people are judging me for it. Whether it's people critiquing what I've written or commenting on how I feel. I'm just not good at handling that (Even when it's good feedback). I don't know why, but I'm not! And maybe it's because I can't help but take people's words to heart....to over analyze them... and to give them more power than they deserve. Maybe it's just cause I'm too sensitive, or maybe it's because I just care too much about what other people think.
Even now as I write this, I can't help but think how unbelievably disappointing this post must be for people. Yesterday was so real and natural and flowing. Today I am grasping for word, trying to come up with something to explain how I'm feeling, that makes you want to comeback and continue reading. But that's how art gets ruined, when it becomes more about the audience then the art. So who cares if this isn't one of those "best post of the year" writings. It's real and it's where I am at...so here it is...this is what it's like the day after!