When I was in Elementary school, one of my teacher's had us write a letter to our future selves that she would send to us when we were about to graduate high school. I remember getting my letter at 18 years old and laughing at my pipe dreams of wanting to go to "Harvard, Yale or Princeton" and thinking I would be famous! As a senior in high school, I had already come to a point where I doubted who I could be and the very abilities that God had given me. Even at that young age, I had already allowed the world to beat the dreamer out of me and I had completely lost the ability to believe that I could be and do anything I wanted!
My first few years in the "real world" didn't help on that front either. I very quickly learned that in the great big ocean of the world, there were so many people who could do so many things better than me, and I pretty quickly started downing by trying to swim in the direction that I saw other people going. I tried to step in the business world cause that's where the money is, I tried to step in the academic world cause that's where the world changers are, and I even tried to step into the athletic world cause that's where people push the limits, but I never seemed to truly fit in any of those worlds and always felt like I was putting on a show or trying to be something I am not.
I can't honestly say that I've found what "world" I belong to yet....even in the Christian sect I don't always feel like I fit all that comfortably... but in the past few years I've discovered some pretty important things about myself. For one, I am an organizer. I love organizing things and having to figure out how to put ideas together into a system that will work. And I love planning how things should go and what they should look like in reality. I truly enjoy putting effort into those type of things and I am honestly pretty good at it.
I also am pretty great at working with kids! This is a skill it took me forever to be able to see in myself. People use to tell me that I have a knack of connecting with children and youth and I use to want to laugh in their face because the truth of the matter was that I thought I sucked at it. Over the past few years though, I've realized that when I stop "trying" to be someone who is good with kids and just "BE" myself, it's something that just comes natural and I truly enjoy these connections.
I am also very empathetic. Sometimes it actually drives me crazy, but I truly have this weird ability to take on the feelings of people around me and really put myself in their shoes. This allows me to connect with people and engage with them in ways that I personally really value. I don't always know what to say and I don't always know what to do in those situations, but I have defiantely learned over the years that sometimes just sitting there with someone in the midst of their heartache is the greatest gift I can give and I'm learning to give it more freely.
All these things lead me to believe that my current "pipe" dream, could actually become more than just that...a dream! Not only in my minds eye can I imagine what this dream could turn out to be, for the first time since I was a little kid, I'm not afraid to dream big with it, because I don't fear that stepping out into my dream will only end in disappointment. God has given me gifts and abilities to carry out this dream...and while it may not turn out exactly how I expect, it's totally possible, and that excites me (even though I know it won't be easy).
I honestly don't know how I climbed out of the place of broken dreams and fear, back into the world of possibilities again... If I had to guess I would say these past two years, living completely out of my comfort zone and forcing myself to try new things and take chances, is probably where it was cultivated... but what I do know is, I like this new place...I like believing in myself again and seeing the gifts and abilities I have, and not being afraid to give life a try! I am sure life will try to knock me down again and put me back in my place, but for some reason I feel ready for the fight and I am so looking forward to proving all the nay-sayers wrong! So here's to dreams and stepping out and going against the gain! And here's to being myself again! Amen!