So this afternoon I began listening to the SOZO training videos produced by Bethel church out in California (I say listening because while they are actually videos, they were burned onto my external hard-drive and apparently only will play as some sort of podcast-ish thing on my computer) and as I was sitting there listening to the introductory disc, I could sense a part of me getting all tense and insecure. It was like someone was going to try and secretly read my diary and I felt hard pressed to find a good hiding spot to put it so that they wouldn't. I guess what that says to me, is this is something I need to hear...or at least something I need to do and be a part of.
In the past week I have been doing a lot of journaling and time and time again I find myself admitting to God that I know I have issues but that I don't have a clue how to get past them. It's obvious to me that I can't change myself and that it will only be the healing work of the Holy Spirit that will move me beyond these issues...but I also kind of feel like I have a responsibility to do something in that as well. If nothing else, I need to be willing to present those issues to God as they come up.
So when I think of the reaction that I felt myself having just listening to these videos, I couldn't help but wonder..."God, are there parts of me that I am holding back from you?". Truth is, the more I thought about it and the more I prayed about it, I realized that it's not God I am hiding from at all. In fact, I am brutally honest about myself with God ... it's kind of hard not to be when the guy already knows everything about me! I am however, hiding my true self from people.
This goes back to the root cause I've been talking about in the last several post. I clearly want people to approve of me...I want their acceptance... and so I hide and cover up my faults as much as possible, only letting a little bit show so that people know I am human. The funny thing is, even though I am doing this, I am constantly trying to fool others... and maybe even myself... by saying things like, "I know I am not perfect", "I've got faults", and "Clearly I don't have my act together". It's like I think if I address the problem in this little way, people won't go digging around to find out just how much more is under the surface.
I guess that's why I enjoy blogging so much. Not only does it give me a creative outlet to work through so much of my junk, but it also helps me to become more and more real with the world around me (in ironically, a pretty anonymous kind of way). I know none of us are perfect. I know no matter how hard I try, I can't make myself perfect. But thankfully, I also know the One who is Perfect and who can make me whole. I'm thankful for the work He is doing in me and for how He is shaping me more and more into His image (even though at times it can seem pretty painful). I may not be ready to shout from the roof tops all my secret struggles, but at least I'm learning now, where my eyes tend to wander and how to allow God to fix them back on Him! For that I am grateful!
No comments:
Post a Comment