Captivated....

  Almost two weeks ago now, a short term team from my home church came down here to Ecuador to work with my teammates and I, to really be a part of our ministry here and help us to host a VBS that we just wouldn’t have had the manpower to do on our own.  When the trip came to an end, I found myself beating myself up over so much of the things I felt like I did wrong or should have done better.  I literally was picking apart my every action and word, convincing myself exactly why no one on the team should ever want to continue being my friend or want to work with me again.  Even as people shared with me how much they enjoyed their time and what they felt God did through them or taught them during the time, I couldn’t seem to let go of the frustration and anger I had towards myself… I just couldn’t get past it.

  The thing is, nothing blatantly was horrible about the trip.  For the most part pretty much everything ran as smooth as possible, and even though there were definitely some hiccups, there was nothing that I think would make the team members feel like they wish they hadn’t come.  So honestly, there is really no reason why I should have been beating myself up like this …it was stupid.

  So the last few days I’ve been praying a lot about this and about my own heart and I’ve realized something very important….as sad as it is to admit, my desire to be perfect and have this trip be perfect had very little to do with honoring God and everything to do with wanting to look good myself.  I admitted the other day that I have this bad problem with seeking approval and acceptance from other people, even though I know I should only be seeking that from God since it’s really only in Him that I will truly find the acceptance and approval I need.  Yet, I realize all my hard work, all my stress, all my running around trying to control everything so it could go exactly the way I thought it should, was all so I could feel accepted and approved of by people… and then by God.  That’s a hard truth.

  Then this morning I was doing a video bible study by Lisa Harper called “Perfect Love” and she was talking about the verse in Song of Solomon that says “you have captivated my heart with one glance of your eyes” (Song of Solomon 4:9) and how we, as His beloved, captivate God.  Honestly… I often think about how I should be captivated by God, or at least about how I want to be, I desire to be, captivated by God.  But very rarely does the thought cross my mind that I…as I am… captivate the heart of God.

  Sitting there this morning, letting that truth shower down over me, I was so humbled and overwhelmed.  I wanted to point to all the things I had done wrong or messed up in some way over the past month and lament in shame, “God, how can you be captivated by me?”.  But, as Lisa expanded on the verse, I felt like God was speaking directly to me, telling me, “I AM captivated by you…. I am CAPTIVATED by you…I am captivated by YOU” over and over again from every angle.  All of a sudden I realized once again, that His love for me, isn’t about what I do…it’s about who I am!  I am His….You are His…and He is captivated by us.