Consistency, Consistency, Consistency...

So for months now I have been trying to get back into some sort of consistency when it comes to exercise.  I did wonderful with this the whole first part of the year, but then summer hit and everything went out the window.  I've been trying to pick up the pieces of my exercise routine ever since.  The thing is, exercise is hard ya'll (anyone who tells you it isn't is LYING to you!).  Sure it has it's benefits and of course, when it's over, I am so glad that I did it.  But in general, in the moment I really don't want to do it.  I think about my sore muscles and I think about how tired I am...and then the lazy voice inside of me tells me I can do it tomorrow (which incase you didn't know, tomorrow NEVER comes) and I back out of it for one more day.

  I know exercising is one of the healthiest things I can do for my body.  I know all the benefits that come from it...not only a healthier body but also a much healthier mind... but, man, it's so hard some days to actually move beyond the idea of doing something good for myself, and to actually just do it (I feel like I need to say, "Copyright Nike" there, for that one!).  Why is it that it's so easy for us as people to know what's best for us and yet do the complete opposite?!  Whether it's knowing we should go to bed because we have a long day tomorrow, but choosing to stay up until the wee hours of the morning to watch Netflix, or knowing we should stay up to work on a project, but decide to go to bed early...doing the "responsible thing" never is the easy choice.

   Truth be told, I think like muscles that grow stronger the more we work them out, self-discipline is also something we can also build up in ourselves.  The more we say yes to doing hard things, the easier it becomes to just do them!  Consistency is where it's at people!  So that's my goal.... to be consistent.  Instead of beating myself up for not working out hours a day, every day of the week, I'm just shooting for being consistent with doing 30 minutes of movement (whether a workout video, a walk, basketball, dancing, etc.) every day.  Today was day one....I'll try to check back in next week to let you all know how it's going.  But in the mean time, why don't you pick something that's hard for you to do...whether it's reading your bible, talking with your parents/siblings/kids, or working on some other kind of hustle...and make a commitment to be consistent to it this week!  Then check back in next week and let me know how you did!  There's strength in numbers right?!?!

Washing the Feet of Judas...

 For the past several weeks, maybe even months, I have been reading thru the book of John.  I honestly have never read a book of the Bible so slow in my life, but it's been good for me!  Instead of just rushing through stories and skimming over parts that seem a little to common for me to pay total attention to, I've been reading slowly, section by section, and really thinking about what each story, each verse is saying and what God is speaking to me through what it says.   To be honest, some days this feels pretty tedious. I read and reflect and seem to walk away with understandings that I've had for some time now.  Other times though, I come up with questions I have never had before or a realization that I've always missed in the past.

  This morning was more like the latter.  I was reading in John 13 where Jesus and His disciples are at the last supper and Peter convinces John to lean back upon Jesus and get the details about who it is that is about to betray Him.  Surprisingly Jesus is pretty forthright with this information.  He tells John, "look, watch.  The person who is going to betray me is the one I hand this piece of dipped bread to" and then He hands the bread to Judas!  In my mind I'm thinking, how can John just sit there after this?!?!  Jesus has just blatantly told Him exactly who is going to betray Him, and yet the Bible says, "none of the disciples knew what this meant", so John seemly is part of that group and does nothing.

  Yet that's not the thing that actually stood out to me the most though.  The following verses talk about how it's when Jesus hands the bread to Judas and he eats it, that Satan enters him.  I don't know why, but I've always kind of viewed Judas as the black sheep of the disciples...the one who somehow got in but kind of does his own thing and nobody really gets him.  I've pretty much always assumed that since he stole money from the disciples change purse, that he had also pretty much decided to betray Jesus long before this dinner meal.  But the reality is though, if this had been his plan all along then he would have agreed to the Pharisees plan right from the beginning.  He didn't do that though.  In fact it wasn't until this night...when Satan entered Him... that He went out and agreed to the Pharisees scheme.

  As I was reading this I realized that I have always made Judas out to be a much more horrible person than he was!  That's not to say that what he became wasn't horrible but he didn't start off that way.  In fact, his biggest sin (cause let's face it, as much as we all try to act like we don't stack rate sin, we do!) was betraying Jesus, but there had to have been some good in him otherwise all the other disciples would have questioned Jesus over and over again as to why He allowed Him into their selective group.

  As I thought about that, I couldn't help but think about all the people in my own life that I have a tendency to look down upon.  I hate to admit it, but I can be such a critical person and I tend to view the specks in peoples eyes much quicker than the potential and the God given abilities they have!  Instead of seeing people as innocent until proven guilty, I tend to view people as guilty and assume the worst from them until they prove me wrong.  I would never say this to people, of course, cause that would make me look bad, but I show it by my constant need to protect myself from others!

  Anyway, as I thought about the people in my own life that I have labeled like Judas, I realized that just one story above this one, Jesus washes His disciples feet... all his disciple's feet...including Judas's!  Jesus knew that Judas was going to betray Him, He knew that He was going to be hurt by this guy, and yet he washes His feet anyway!  He humbles Himself before Judas and becomes his servant!  Then He tells them (and us!) to do likewise!  What a lesson!  Jesus was saying, "look, it really doesn't matter what other people do.  I am calling you to humble yourself and love and serve others no matter what!  Your job isn't to judge, your job is to love"!  That last part has been the one constant lesson the God has been trying to teach me all year.... I am called to love, not to judge!

  This is hard to admit... that I have taken on the role of judge and hurt people in the process... but it's true.  And so in this moment I ask for forgiveness.  Forgive me for how judgmental I have been, for seeing your specks and not the plank in my own eye!  Forgive me for thinking that I am a good judge and that you should have to prove anything to me.  And forgive me for loving you with a false love that has been dependent upon how I think you're acting and not just because of who you are (God's creation/child!).  Forgive me...and Lord Jesus, help me to change!  Amen!

Challenge Accepted...

  So one of my friends challenged me to do the #31DaysOfWritting challenge during the month of October (although technically I was a day late in beginning).  I like to write and she sees potential in my writing, so it seemed like a good idea.  It still does actually... even though I have to admit that it's quite hard for me to think of things to write about every day.  The funny thing is, I write about three blog post a day in my mind...they just never actually make it to paper.  I guess it's just going to take me being a bit more intentional and vulnerable, but none-the-less the challenge has (obviously) been accepted!

  The thing is, one of the hardest things about blogging for me is knowing that people I know are actually reading it....which sounds totally ridiculous considering I advertise what I write on my facebook and twitter accounts whenever I post a new entry.  And the truth is, I write a blog because I actually do want people to read what I write...that's kind of the point, otherwise I would just privately journal (which I also do, but nobody is allowed to read that), but it's much easier to write when I think that it's only strangers out there reading my words... like a shy girl in England or some Christian in Africa (it does not however help that sometimes I worry that terrorist groups out in the middle east are reading this and now have me on their hit list...but that' a whole nother issue!).

  I guess what I am realizing once again is that I'm not as comfortable sharing the inner-workings of Jessica with MY world.  When it comes to the whole world....sure, okay, why not.... because there's still some sort of ambiguity in writing online.  But when it comes to friends and relatives reading what I write, I realize that it opens up a whole new level of "real" into our relationships and I'm still learning to get comfortable with that.

  But maybe that's what this month will be about for me... maybe more than just being some writing challenge that helps me grow more in my skill, it will be a chance for me to grow more as a person and in my relationships.  Growth is never easy...in fact in most ways it usually has some pain associated with it... but it's always worth it in the end.  So I accept that challenge as well!  Here's to learning and growing and becoming more intimate with the world around me!  Wish me luck...and pray for me!

 

The Problem with Me...

  I have a problem.  Well it's not necessarily a problem, but it's a thing I do that I really need to learn to stop doing (So does that make it an addiction?!).  See the thing is I have really great friends, people I really care about and enjoy having in my life and never want to lose.  But because I like them so much and want to be BFF literally forever...there always comes a point in my relationships where I stop feeling free to be myself and say what I am really feeling.  In fact, I end up jumping on the crazy wagon and start worrying about everything I say and everything I do and how it all might be taken. And eventually this leads to the very thing I didn't want...the end of our relationship.

  I am really awkward when I first get to know people.  I am not sure that other people would really say that about me, but you guys just don't know the thoughts and feelings that go through my head and heart during our interactions.  The first time I meet someone I'm usually a ball of nerves and they usually spill out of me in random ways....I either can't stop talking or can't think of a single thing to say, I do something embarrassing (like walk into something, have food in my teeth or have my fly down) or I don't do a single thing and just sit like a lump because I'm afraid of embarrassing myself, Or I am overly-extroverted to the point that I can be completely annoying or I sit alone and play with the cat/dog/children ignoring the person I am hanging out with.

  Crazy enough, people still want to hang out with me and we some how form these great relationships and I discover how awesome they really are.  And then that's when we get to the problem.  I think the reality is, that I fear being rejected by the people I care most about, and so there's usually one small little tiny thing that almost nobody else would notice that happens, that I take personally or I am a little too sensitive too and all of a sudden I start worrying about our friendship and if such and such person really likes me.  From there I start holding back parts of myself that I am unsure the other person actually likes.  Then I start feeling like I can't really be myself around them, so I pull back and pull away...and become the very thing I dislike seeing in other people...total DRAMA.  And that's when everything falls apart.

  So I guess what I need to learn to do is fight the lies of those igniting moments.  When I am being overly sensitive and take something personal, I really need to evaluate if what I am feeling really is truly what's going on or if it's something I've made up in my imaginative little brain (cause let me tell you the things I can come up with can be pretty off the wall).  The Bible says that when you know the truth, the truth will set you free.  So if I face down the lies that tell me this person doesn't really like me and never has, or that who I really am isn't good enough for so-and-so, then maybe I will find real freedom and this problem will stop.  If anything, at least for now I can acknowledge there is a problem and as the recovery programs all say, "admittance is the first step to recovery"!

Growth in Everything...

  The other day I was helping out at a ministry and one of the other volunteers said something to me that intentionally or not, made me feel like she was trying to be the boss of me (even though we both were just there to help out).  I tried to just let it pass and not be offended (cause I'm trying to work on that), but for the rest of the afternoon every time I went to do anything with the group, I felt like her eyes were watching me and judging me.  It was so uncomfortable and I honestly couldn't wait to leave the situation.  In fact it kind of ruined the afternoon for me.

  The thing is, I don't think this person was trying to be bossy or rude.  In fact I think she just had an idea in her head about how things should be done and I wasn't fitting into the picture, so she felt the need to say something.  Has much as I didn't enjoy the "something" she had to say, I can totally understand where it came from.  As humans I think we all like to have things go "according to our plans".  We get an idea in our head  and that's what we expect, and when other people don't live up to our expectations, we feel the need to correct them or control them into doing so.  As much as I see this in the attitude of this specific person, I also see that in myself.  I mean even in this situation, I was uncomfortable (and in all honesty, a bit offended) because I had my own idea and expectations of how things were suppose to go and she wasn't living out what I wanted.

  And that's the thing, I think it's so easy to go thru life and point out the faults and lacks in other people that bring up annoyances in us.  However, to look at our own selves, to evaluate what's really going on in us and consider what's really making us respond in the way we are, is much harder.  I was annoyed and offended and wanted to high tail it out of there, because my expectations weren't being meant...and my expectations were that I would be respected and treated as equals with my peers.  While I'm not trying to say it's wrong to expect people to treat me as such, I think there is a deeper root problem here that makes me upset and frustrated when I don't receive that kind of response.

  The things is, how I respond to others should never be based on how they have treated me.  I shouldn't be looking for them to fill some void in me with their respect and care.  I should already have all the respect and care I need in Christ, because of the crazy amount of love He's already poured into me.  If I really take the time to realized how loved, how cared for I am by Him, then it frees me up to stop expecting other people to give it to me.  If I am full of Christ, then I don't need you or anyone else to pour into me....in fact, while I can be grateful for whatever blessings and lessons others bring into my life, I can also be grateful for people just being who they are, even if they seem to be doing nothing for me (cause let's be real, at times we all think about what we are "getting" out of our relationships).

  So I guess in a way I can rejoice in what happened the other day with this person, not because it felt good or because I enjoy feeling so awkward, but because this was an opportunity for me to grow....to look at myself and evaluate what's really going on in me and to allow God to speak to those parts of me that still need to be changed.  I never want to stop learning or growing in Him, and they way I see it, the other day gave me the chance to do just that.  For that I can't complain.

Treasures in the Mountains...

  This morning I was sitting on the bus riding back from Saraguro to Cuenca, thinking about how much things have changed this year and how different  than I expected it has all turned out.  Now obviously there are some things I look at and think, "Well that sucked!"; Things that have been hard or painful or challenging this year.  But then there are other things I've experienced, things I look at and think, "Wow, when did I get so lucky to be able to have this"!  One of those such things is a friendship with a beautiful Ecuadorian Family!

  I am so blessed by this family and it was totally a God thing how our friendship came about!  I remember sitting on the porch skyping with one of my friends back home, the moment S. arrived at our "then" house for the first time.  I was so nervous to meet her, mostly because she didn't know more than a few words of English and I was just starting to learn Spanish.  Plus she is quite a bit younger than me and I thought there wouldn't be much for us to talk about even if we could cross that language barrier!  Boy was I wrong!  Over the next 9 weeks we spent so much time hanging out, talking and laughing together!  I learned so much from her and hopefully she did from me too!

  Flash forward about 4 months and there I found myself moving to a small little village in a community I didn't know all that much about, but there in the midst of it was S.  excitedly welcoming me to her home community, showing me around, helping me get settled.  Everything I needed, from translation to company, S. was there to help me with...and so was her family.  I quickly fell in love with her adorable mom R. and amazingly responsible sister L..  In fact, I spent so much time sitting outside with them at their tortilla stand, that before I knew it, I was actually speaking fluent Spanish (and they had picked up a bit of English!).

  When I came back from a Christmas visit home,  I was sad to find out that S. was moving.  Of course I wanted her to stay and hang out with me forever, but I also understood her need to spread her wings and discover the world for herself.  So I prayed for her and said "See you later" and trusted that even over distance our friendship would continue.  It did...thankfully!  And my relationship with L. also got the opportunity to blossom during this time!  Now not only was I S.'s friend, but L. and I were real friends too!

  Since the start of this year, I have continued to grow fonder and fonder or both these girls and their mom!  They are like second family to me, in a country where so many people around me view me as an outsider, they have taken me in!  Not only have I been able to minister to them and be there for them, but they have most certainly done the same for me!  And as I start preparing my heart to head back to the States in a few months, I know that one of the greatest treasures God has given me on this missions field is their friendship!  If I could think of no other good thing that came out of my time here in Ecuador (which of course I can think of more than one!), this would be that thing!  Real friendship is such a hard thing to find... I am blessed to have found it here, high up in the Andes Mountains, right smack dab in the middle of nowhere!  For that I feel like the luckiest girl alive!

Human Nature and Learning to Walk in the Spirit...

  By nature I am a perfectionist.  I actually have to try really hard not to beat myself up when things don't turn out how I expected or want (which is pretty much all the time).  I also have to constantly remind myself that if I did the best I could, that's all I can do and that has to be good enough...for everyone, including myself.

  Now I certainly realize that having a perfectionist nature also lends to me being pretty controlling.  I don't want to be a controlling person, but I also want things to go right. So, I tend to act out of that need to control believing that only then will things not fall apart (which the often still do).

  I am really trying to work on this.  To learn to surrender to God and allow Him to have control.  To do my best and then leave the rest in His hands trusting that He can handle the outcome and give me the grace to get through it as well.  It's been kind of a learning process for me.

  However, in the midst of truly learning how to "let go and let God", I've realized something else about myself.... I also tend to take on responsibility that is not mine to carry.  Now, while in some ways that totally points to me taking on other peoples work, I am actually talking more so about the pressure I put on myself concerning situations that really aren't mine to take control of (or at least it's not all my responsibility).

  For example, this past weekend I went for the first time to volunteer at this program that I knew nothing about.  There ended up being a lot of volunteers in one section so a few of us volunteered to help out in a different section.  Now remember, I had never been there before, had no idea how things normally go, and had no plans other than to do what I was told.  Yet there I was doing my part, but noticing that nobody was really in charge and things were not going well, and I couldn't help but feel like I was responsible and I was failing at this.

  Or here's another example, the other night some new friends of our invited me and my housemate over for dinner.  It was a great time and I truly enjoyed myself, but I had to constantly remind myself that I was not the only one responsible for how the night went.  It wasn't my house, therefore I wasn't hosting, and I clearly wasn't the only person there, so there was no need to feel pressure to make sure everyone else felt comfortable and were enjoying themselves.

  It all sounds so self-centered, like obviously I think the world revolves around me and thus I need to make sure I take care of it all.  And maybe it is... I would be the first to admit that I can be awfully self-centered on a daily basis.  But this isn't the life I want to live.... there's no freedom in that.

  I know that true life is found in Jesus Christ.  In surrendering all to Him, following His lead and trusting Him with the results.  I see the reality of the freedom we have in Christ when  we walk in His Spirit.  I know that in Him is found abundant life.  So why can't I seem to just let go...to let God take over and to find refuge in Him?  What am I so afraid of?  Where does this lack of trust come from?  Anyone else ever been here?!?!

Just a Thought...

    So for the past two weeks I have been attending a women’s bible study on Tuesday mornings.  This has been such a blessing to me as I have longed for fellowship and community for so much of this year.  Anyway, as I sit in these weekly meetings I tend to make notes for myself on my phone of little things that stick out to me or questions that arise in me from our group discussions.  I guess I should, in ­­reality, be sharing some of these thoughts and ideas with the group (and some I do!), but one benefit of writing them down for myself, is that it gives me time to really think and process what I really feel before saying something in response that I don’t really agree with (which sometimes happens still).  This morning, towards the end of my personal notes, I wrote a question….” What is more important, being loving or being right?  And is there ever a time when it’s most loving to prove a point?”. 
  Personally, I like to be right (in fact there is a running joke in my family that my 3 favorite words are “You Are Right”), but I honestly cannot bring myself to the place of believing that pointing out a Bible verse that contradicts someone else’s lifestyle or intellectually pointing out the flaws in someone else’s beliefs, will ever lead that person into a relationship with Jesus Christ.  I don’t think people can be “won” into the kingdom based on our good arguments or personal perspectives.  In fact, I don’t even believe that it’s even US who can “save” anyone (that’s God’s job).  That’s not to say that there’s never a time to speak up or to speak into someone’s life…. But rather, I think it’s important that as we do, that we are sure that we are speaking out of a place of love…as opposed to obligation, guilt, or even a need to be right.
  Which brings me back to that question I wrote in my notes….what is the loving thing to do?  My immediate response is that it’s always better to be loving than to be right, as love conquers all and in fact God is love.  But that doesn’t really address the question of what is more loving? Is it more loving to speak the truth to prove the “Christian” point, or is more loving to keep our mouth shuts and let our lives lead others to their own conclusions? And I guess the best response I can come up with is this… it depends on the leading of the Holy Spirit.
  Often times I think I know what’s best and I think that it’s my obligation to make sure I share that opinion.  But the reality is I don’t really know anything in and of myself…. I am completely dependent on God for all truth and all reality.  Thus it would only make sense that God, who actually does know everything (including the in’s and out’s of how we all individually operate, think and feel), would also know the best way to respond in any given situation.  Therefore, the logical conclusion, would be for me to allow Him to take the lead and thus follow Him (Hum.  It seems like Jesus said something like that in the Bible at least a few times).
  So I guess the better question I should be asking is not, “What is the most loving thing to do?” but rather , “What is God saying?”.  Maybe if we spent more time snuggling up to the heart of Jesus and following His heart beat, instead of trying to get people to believe what we do, we would actually see "His Kingdom come and His Will be done, on earth as it is in heaven"!.  Just a thought...

Who Are We Really Believing In?!?!...

  There's an old Saturday Night Live Skit (SNL) where the character Stuart Smalley, played by Al Franken, would talk to himself in the mirror and say, "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggone it, people like me."  Now to be honest, I've never actually watched a full episode of SNL, but I've seen plenty of snippets on YouTube of some of their funniest bits, and this is one that recently started popping back up in my mind.  I guess it's because lately it seems like several people in my sphere of life have been talking a lot about, what I will term, the power of positive thinking....Basically telling themselves if they believe something hard enough, it will actually be true...and I can't help but picture Stuart sitting in front of the mirror, trying to self-motivate himself, before stepping out into the big bad world!

  Now don't get me wrong, I do not think that all self-talk is silly.  In fact I have gotten through some really hard time in my life by reminding myself of the truths I know about God and who I am in Him.   But it's truly hard for me to believe that just because I say, "I am healed in Jesus' name", that it means that I will no longer have cancer or depression or any thing else for that matter (or if I claim I have something, that I automatically will).  I'm not saying that God can't heal you by the power of His name.  I'm not saying that we shouldn't confess things like "By His stripes we are healed".  I'm just saying, that for me, thinking that just because I claim something...just because I say it out loud...that it automatically makes that thing happen, is a little hard for me to swallow.

  And maybe I feel this way because 6 years ago we lost my brother-in-law to cancer.  People who tell me, "You  just have to believe and not doubt and God will do whatever you confess to be true", feel like they are basically saying, "if you...your sister, your family, your friends.... had just believed more fully, your brother and law wouldn't have died"!  I don't believe that's true for one second!  Do I believe God could have healed by brother-in-law?  Yes I do!  God chose to heal Him in heaven instead of on earth, but I still have no doubts God could have done it the other way around!  Saying that if we had just claimed the healing power of God and truly believed it would happen here on earth, then things would have turned out differently, to me is basically saying that we in a sense could have been like God...and isn't that one of the lies the devil used to convince Eve to commit the first ever sin ("If you eat this fruit, you will be like God!").  To think that we could be like God, or even  determine what He will do, turns God into something like a genie in a bottle that if we rub the right way will give us everything we want!  I don't buy it!

  Maybe I am wrong, I don't claim to have the market on truth and I certainly still have a lot of growing to do, but I think rather than trying to live our lives out of some place that says, if I just think correctly my life will be wonderful, we should rather focus on who God is and what He can do....and instead of trying to build ourselves up or rely on our own abilities, we should turn to God and trust Him!  If God is really all He says He is, then He knows our weakness, and He also knows exactly what we need (even more than we really know what we need) and He's big enough to take care of us.  So wouldn't He be the perfect person to trust?!  I think it's when we actually put our trust in Him, allowing God to be God...the all powerful, omnipotent one... instead of trying to make ourselves the one whose in control by trying to have enough faith or claiming what should be, then it doesn't matter what happens in our lives, we will be content and find the true, abundance of the kingdom that the Bible speaks of.  I don't think the Christian faith has ever been about how good we are, how much faith we have, or how "put together" we can make things.  Instead it's always been about a perfect God who came and did for us, what we could never do for ourselves.  Why are we trying to change things now?!?! 

No Firmer Foundation...

  It's September 1st!  A new Month, yeay!!!  Which also brings me to a new "stage", if you will, in my ministry here in Ecuador!  For the next month I will be traveling back and forth, spending a few days in Saraguro and a few days in Cuenca...but ministering in both places!  And I am so ready and  excited for this change!!!

  I feel like this has been a very challenging year and I've been beaten up and beaten down to the point that I've wanted to give up multiple times...and yet I've held on and persevered and now God is releasing me into something more "refreshing" (for lack of a better word)!  It's like I've lived in the desert for most of this year....learning and growing, but definitely still feeling like I was drying up... and God has not only led me to an oasis, but He's also shown me where exactly the source is!  I feel like all those truths about God and His faithfulness that I have held unto all year (even when it's been oh so hard) are becoming clear once again!  And all I can do is rejoice!

  There's something about the dark places...about the valleys in life... that show you not only how strong you really are, but also exactly how strong our God is!  For so much of my life God was this distant fellow who cared about me, but only "interfered" when I desperately needed help or was in danger of jumping off the rails!  Theses past two years, He's shown me just how intimately involved He is and He wants to be in our lives.  And in this year in particular, He's proven that He sticks closer than a brother (that's so one of those verses I've heard all my life and yet only now truly understand it in the depths of my soul)!

  There was a time this year, just a few months ago actually, where I felt abandoned by EVERYONE and I mean E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E!  And it wasn't that people particularly wrote me off or turned their backs on me, but everyone was busy with their own lives and issues and so there I sat, alone...with no where to turn...and feeling like even those who could find time to reach out, just weren't really understanding me.  So I would sit on my bed and journal and cry out to God, because He really was the only one I felt like I could turn to and find comfort in.  And what I found was that He is enough...at least for me...He is enough.

  Now I'm not saying I'm perfect or unhuman and I no longer need friends or people who just get me, or that I no longer find myself seeking acceptance and approval.  Cause the truth is, I think those are things I will probably struggle with for the rest of my life.  However, I've learned that the firmest foundation I will ever need is Jesus Christ and He is the solid rock on which I stand!  Amen!