By nature I am a perfectionist. I actually have to try really hard not to beat myself up when things don't turn out how I expected or want (which is pretty much all the time). I also have to constantly remind myself that if I did the best I could, that's all I can do and that has to be good enough...for everyone, including myself.
Now I certainly realize that having a perfectionist nature also lends to me being pretty controlling. I don't want to be a controlling person, but I also want things to go right. So, I tend to act out of that need to control believing that only then will things not fall apart (which the often still do).
I am really trying to work on this. To learn to surrender to God and allow Him to have control. To do my best and then leave the rest in His hands trusting that He can handle the outcome and give me the grace to get through it as well. It's been kind of a learning process for me.
However, in the midst of truly learning how to "let go and let God", I've realized something else about myself.... I also tend to take on responsibility that is not mine to carry. Now, while in some ways that totally points to me taking on other peoples work, I am actually talking more so about the pressure I put on myself concerning situations that really aren't mine to take control of (or at least it's not all my responsibility).
For example, this past weekend I went for the first time to volunteer at this program that I knew nothing about. There ended up being a lot of volunteers in one section so a few of us volunteered to help out in a different section. Now remember, I had never been there before, had no idea how things normally go, and had no plans other than to do what I was told. Yet there I was doing my part, but noticing that nobody was really in charge and things were not going well, and I couldn't help but feel like I was responsible and I was failing at this.
Or here's another example, the other night some new friends of our invited me and my housemate over for dinner. It was a great time and I truly enjoyed myself, but I had to constantly remind myself that I was not the only one responsible for how the night went. It wasn't my house, therefore I wasn't hosting, and I clearly wasn't the only person there, so there was no need to feel pressure to make sure everyone else felt comfortable and were enjoying themselves.
It all sounds so self-centered, like obviously I think the world revolves around me and thus I need to make sure I take care of it all. And maybe it is... I would be the first to admit that I can be awfully self-centered on a daily basis. But this isn't the life I want to live.... there's no freedom in that.
I know that true life is found in Jesus Christ. In surrendering all to Him, following His lead and trusting Him with the results. I see the reality of the freedom we have in Christ when we walk in His Spirit. I know that in Him is found abundant life. So why can't I seem to just let go...to let God take over and to find refuge in Him? What am I so afraid of? Where does this lack of trust come from? Anyone else ever been here?!?!
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