This is one of those blog posts that has the potential to get me into "trouble". I can sense red flags going up and people getting all concerned because of my words and I think my honesty may even make some people uncomfortable....either in themselves or with me....but...that's just going to have to be okay. Because I just need to get this off my chest....and who knows, maybe I'm not alone!
Over the past few weeks I've been thinking a lot about the role of a missionary. As someone out there on the "field", I often wonder if I am doing enough or if I'm trying to do too much. I wonder if it's worth it for people to send all this money month after month to sustain me here, if I don't really have a lot of fruit to show for it, even though I know it's not about what I do but rather my obedience to God. I have built relationships here and I've watch God move thru our children's ministry and use me in different ways, so maybe I shouldn't over analyze things...but, I have to wonder,....where are the lives coming to Christ, where is the transformation of families by the gospel, why does it seem like nothing is really changing?!?!
The truth is, I know that this is God's work and that for the time being He has me here to be a part of it. Even more truthful is the fact that time and time again I have sensed that my job here is nothing more than to plant some seeds and water the ground as part of a long line of people who will move thru this place with the Gospel, and I may never see the fruit of my labor.
But, I want...more than anything....to see people transformed by the Gospel. I want the youth we work with to grab hold of the true message of Christ and let it transform their hearts. I want the children we share with to grab a hold of these stories we tell them about Christ and come face to face with the person they are really about. I want my friends and those I come in contact with to experience the love and joy and hope of the Father like never before....and I have to believe that God wants this for them as well! So how come we're not seeing it?!
I know I can't change anyone or anything. While I love God and want to obey Him in everything, it's not my job to "save" anyone in His name. That's His job.... He is the savior of the world. I am just a speck in the continuum...here today and gone tomorrow...doing my part in this great commission. But if I, having such a small role, can so desperately desire for this village to experience the transforming depths of God's love and mercy and grace.....how much more must He, being creator and lover of all, desire it?!?!
I keep telling myself that obviously He does desire this, but He also knows people's hearts and thus He knows when and how best to move in order to reach them. I just need to be patient and obedient and trust Him. But it's hard. In fact I tend to swing back and forth from being content to pray and believe God for great things, knowing it's His work and thus it needs to be done His way, to wondering if my obedience really is doing anything at all besides allowing God to work in me and change me (not that that's a bad thing).
I guess I just wonder if we are missing something, if my ears haven't quite tuned into God or my heart hasn't fully surrendered to Him. I wonder if I will ever see lives really changed here or if it will be another 50 years before people really grab hold of the Gospel. And I wonder if maybe I am not meant to see transformation here, and if why I thought God sent me here for this time was for a completely different reason than I thought.
And I guess for now, I just need to sit in that wonder, sit in the longing, and let it permeate in my soul. And then I need to let go and Let God do His thing, trusting that since it's never been about me, it doesn't matter if it all turns out how I expected. It's for Him and for His glory and out of love I can obey Him, even if I don't understand and even though it's hard. Pray for me in that.. Amen
No comments:
Post a Comment