The past few weeks have been emotionally hard for me. I've missed my family and friends back home (like crazy much!), I've felt like a 3rd wheel on my own team and I've beat myself up time and time again for either expecting too much out of people, being too sensitive or judging others based on how I think they should live out their Christian life. It had been a whirlwind of emotion with not much relief and I was starting to think that this hole I had some how fallen into, didn't come with an escape route, but I was wrong (thankfully!).
God always has this wonderful way of bringing me back to the truth...sometimes in flashy ways and sometimes with a hit to the back! And that's exactly what happened the other day. There I was, struggling once again, but trying to muster my way through it (cause that's what good Christians are suppose to do right?! NOT!), and then my teammate accidently hit me with the door to the truck of the car. As the pain literally went screaming down my back and not a single person seemed all that concerned with the fact that I was actually hurt, it's like God opened my eyes and reminded me of something so vitally important to this life....and that is that God should always have the most power in my life and allowing others to stand in the place of God for me, is only going to cause pain!
So that night I went home and I repented and I asked God to come and take His rightful place again in my life, cleansing me from both my wrongs and the wrongs of others. And you know what happened?!?! All of a sudden I felt free again; lighter and like nobody could hold me back! I realized once again, in that moment, who God says I am, and that when I stop allowing how other people seem to be treating me, speak louder than His voice of truth, I have nothing to fear and nothing to hold me back. I woke up the next day feeling like myself again...and it's been GLORIOUS!
Another thing that God reminded me of though, is that no matter how others act, no matter what they do or don't do, no matter if they walk out their humanity as I would or not....I'm still called to love them and respect them and treat them as brothers and sisters or even friends. I guess this isn't really a lesson I had forgotten. Part of my grand ability to beat myself up for not being perfect comes from knowing that in the Kingdom of God, we're not suppose to treat others as their sins (or perceived sins) deserve. But can I just be honest here?! Sometimes, this is down right hard work and it doesn't come with ease and it's not comfortable. So I needed that reminder and the reminder that when Christ is first in my life, He fills me to be able to do those tough things (although it would be totally sweet if being God, he could make the hard stuff easier!).
Anyway, I guess I share that not to say "look at me! I'm so spiritual! I can go through hard times and find the God in all of it!" but rather to admit that, yes I am a Christian, yes I love God with all my heart and want to seek and honor Him in all I do, BUT I'm also human and life isn't always easy, I don't always respond the right way and sometimes even I need a wake up call or something to snap me out of it!
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