Last night I finished reading Angie Smith's book "Chasing God". To be honest, I really wanted the book to be better than I thought it was. Like I was saying the other day, I love Angie Smith and usually when I read one of her books I feel like I'm sitting down to talk with an old friend. That's what I expected to encounter this time around as well...especially since there were so many times during the first chapter when I kept thinking "Yes", "Exactly", "You get it" and "I'm not alone"! Unfortunately that feeling didn't last long and as I got further and further into the book the more I felt like I was being left behind....but it wasn't Angie's fault!
The whole premise of this book is that we should stop chasing after God because it's only when we stop running after Him that He can capture us. That sounds all good and well...and I know in reality that what she is saying is true, but...to be honest.... I've always been kind of a God chaser and I'm good at it! It's comfortable and I don't want to give it up!
I think it was in High school that I read the book "The God Chasers" by Tommy Tenney and ever since I've always secretly wanted THAT kind of God connection....You know the kind of relationship with Him that you read about in the bible or seem to see in the lives of these celebrity Christians. Heck, I even look at Angie Smith's life and think, "If only I could have THAT kind of relationship with God".
The problem is, I always stumble over the HOW? I read my bible, I pray, I go to church, I have theological discussions with my friends...but there always seems to be these times when I feel like I'm still missing something....like I haven't quite done enough to get God's attention. And I know as a Christian that God loves me and cares deeply for me and I don't need to strive for His attention. But sometimes...well...I still just feel like I need to!
Angie talks about feeling some of this herself in her book, but then she shares how in the end she's discovered that there's nothing she can do to capture God...and she had to let it all go. That's when God captured her! It all sounds so....easy. And that's pretty much how she lost me.
There's a running joke amongst me and some of my friends that if there is a hard way of doing something, I will discover it and do it that way. I don't know what it is, but I have a knack for finding the hard route and taking it. I think maybe I might enjoy knowing how much work I did or how much effort I put into getting something. And I think that maybe I enjoy knowing that "I" did it...it was me...a little too much!
Maybe that's why I find the easiness of what she's saying to be so hard! Maybe the whole point of God waiting to capture us until after we stop chasing after Him is so that when it happens, we know it was Him, not us. From the beginning it was He who created us. He was the one who led the perfect life, died on the cross and rose again to redeem us. And He is the only who can bind us to Himself. This is the truth...and we must accept it!
Yet, as easy as that sounds....somehow it's the hardest thing in the world for me. And as I was finishing up the last few pages of the book last night, frantically searching for any last minute thing that would make this all so much smoother to accept, I realized why. You see, I think deep down I fear that if I stop chasing after God, that He won't continue to chase after me (never mind capture me!). I think that maybe I do all this stuff and give my best effort to Him, because a part of me still believes that in doing so I can make myself good enough for God and force His hand into loving me!
I know the Sunday school answer. God already loves me....and not because of what I do but because of who I am. I can recite every clique christianese statement out there about how I could never make God love me any more or any less than He does right now. I know all this stuff in my head. I just need to keep letting it all sink down into my heart. And as it does I'm sure that I'll realize that it's time to stop running....because God's ready to capture me into His arms!
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