There's something about blogging and knowing that other people are actually reading what I've written that leads me to want to put on a show and pretend that I am such a better person than I actually am. But...the truth is....I still have a lot of growing up to do (Apparently it's true that it's in your 30's that you realize just how wrong the 20 year old version of yourself was about having it all figured out)! Last night God smacked me in the face with the realization of how dark my heart can still be and I was brought to my knees in repentance because of my lack of humility.
Anyone who knows me, or follows along on my missions facebook group, or even follows along on here, knows that I spend a lot of time proclaiming that I just want to see God's Kingdom come and His will be done. I go on and on about how all this is His work and I am just so privileged to be used as an instrument that points back to Him. I act like I truly understand what it means for my life to be "all about Him and not about me". But I'm not there yet!
Like I said, it was last night that God brought this to my attention. We had just finished up a fun night of girl bonding...complete with make-up, nail polish and a movie (a movie that I never noticed had so many sexual innuendos, but I digress). I was walking my teammate Andrea out to our gate, where her husband was waiting to pick her up and bring her home. But as often happens in these situations, the three of us ended up meeting at the gate and having a brief time of discussion before they got in the car and took off.
During our conversation, my teammate Darren (Andrea's husband) shared about how during the worship team meeting our "short-term" team member had that night at the church, a mini-revival broke out among the teens whom we work with. He said we would hear more about it tonight, but that basically the teens began to share their testimonies with each other and as they became more and more vulnerable with each other the spirit of God fell among them! There were tears and forgiveness and healing. It's really exciting stuff!
Sadly, my first reaction wasn't excitement....it was jealousy. I so wish I didn't have to admit that, but I do. I am not perfect and I'm still growing...and yes I was jealous that God had chosen to use our short-termer among "our" teens, when we weren't there to claim some of the glory. How sad is that?! It was like in that one moment I realized just how much I still try to steal God's glory and try to make ministry about making a name for myself, even though I claim it's all about God!
After that realization , I spent a lot of time last night praying and repenting and asking God to cleanse my heart and make me more like Him. I don't pray things like that to sound super spiritual. And I don't share it here to somehow show a redemption quality in my story. I do these things because I actually mean them. I am so grateful that God sent Jesus to die for my sins and that ALL my sins...including this one... are nailed to the cross. I want to be more like God and seek His kingdom and not my own. These are my prayers. I'm just not there yet....
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