Getting Real about the "V" word... and I'm not talking about virginity!

There’s a scene from last season of “This is Us” where Kevin, who has ended up in rehab, returns to his room after an intense family counseling session and his mom, Rebecca, is sitting in there waiting for him.  She tells him about this memory she has of him and his sibling’s being dropped off for their first day of kindergarten and how while his brother and sister were crying and clinging to her, Kevin just walked right into the class and never looked back.  Then she looks at him and says, “I never worried about you.  I never worried about you because I never thought I had to”.  I remember watching that scene and crying my eyes out.  Something about those words in particular so strongly stood out to me.

Now flash forward to last week in my own life, and here I am having a pretty vulnerable conversation about how while there are some issues in my life that I have been struggling with for a while now, I doubt any of my friends or family would ever say so or even think that it is true.  I am not really sure what I expected the response to be, but I certainly wasn’t expecting the person on the other end of that conversation to say something along the lines of “of course not!  Why would they?  You’ve clearly worked very hard never to give them a reason to worry about you”.  Suddenly, at that moment, Rebecca’s words to Kevin came flooding back to me, knocking the air right out of my lungs… “I never worried about you because I never thought I had to.”

It’s become increasingly clear to me over the past several months how ridiculously hard I work to portray this persona to the world that I am fine, while the whole time I am slowly dying inside.  That sounds so intense, this idea of slowly dying inside, but I think it explains it perfectly.  Somewhere along the line in life, I picked up this belief that I shouldn’t be real with people about my struggles.  And that if I were real, people would reject me.  I guess all of us believe that lie to some extent, but I recognize now that I’ve believed it so much so that I’ve insolated myself from even the possibility of letting that happen.  I don’t let people in.  I don’t let them see behind the mask.  And in the few times that I have allowed people look behind the curtain, I have immediately pushed them out, runway, or in some manner stopped connecting with them, as sort of an “I’m going to reject you before you can reject me” response. I know in some way I am doing this because I think I am protecting myself, but really all I’m actually doing is forcing people out of my life and reaffirming the false idea that if people really knew me, they would reject me.  I’m not being fair… not to myself and certainly not to others

This was all so clear to me as I sat in church this morning.  At my church we are in the midst of a sermon series on community and today’s sermon was all about vulnerability.  I can’t say that anything that was spoken today was something I hadn’t heard before.  It’s all things I know…but the visual illustration our pastor gave of a person in a straitjacket protected from the world but also unable to receive love or care or even concern, really brought the point home for me.  I need to open up.

 The thing is though, being vulnerable is not something I do well.  It’s not something I really do at all.  Yet over the past few months, weeks, and days, I have felt a sense of urgency in me like… now is time.  I can either choose to be vulnerable and walk out of the self-made prison cell I have been living in or succumb to the fact that this is just the way life is and how it will stay until I die.  I want better for myself.  I desire more from my life.  And while it’s scary to even post this, knowing I will actually see and interact with some of the people who will read it, I know it’s a step I need to take, because the truth is, I do believe it’s worth it to be vulnerable…now I just have to live it.

The Hard Work of Letting Your Guard Down...

   At the end of church today, our campus pastor said something in passing that truly grabbed my attention.  As he was closing up service and doing the altar call when he said something like, “let your guard down” …and I immediately thought, “when was the last time I actually had my guard down at church?”.  Honestly, I can’t even remember.  It seems like for years now I have been super skeptical when I walk in the church doors…skeptical of people, skeptical of sermons, skeptical of God himself.  I don’t want to be like that…I really don’t… and yet…I am…and sometimes it really sucks.  In fact, I often wonder how much I am missing out on just because I can’t seem to “let go and let god” as they say.

  I guess it all started in Ecuador.  I moved to this beautiful country to work with this beautiful people and felt like God had really led me to that place… and yet through such an experience I faced challenges that eventually lead my relationship with God and Christians in general to the breaking point.  I went from trusting God to lead me, to wondering if He was even for me... from believing that God could use my life to spread the gospel, to wondering why He even would.. and from trusting in the power of community, to experiencing the pain of having the very people you depend on flip on you and cause you to doubt if you've ever been loveable.  I basically walked into that country one person and left it a completely different person…and it has taken me years to even begin to try and put my relationships with God and others back on track.  So yeah, I have a guard up when it comes to church, and God, and the Christian community.

  So now that leads me to wondering how do I start letting that guard down, especially when so many of my interactions with the Christian community and God himself today bring up all the pain of the past several years.  Fortunately, or not I know the answer… dealing with the pain itself… but who wants to do that?!  Just kidding… Kind of.  I mean truly who wants to deal with pain?  No one.  But even though that’s true…it’s also a necessary step to healing and growth… and healing and growth is what I want.  So, even though sometimes the truth… sucks… but it’s also necessary and so now the hard work must begin.

"Own the Moment" by Carl Lentz...

  Okay Mr. Carl Lentz, I have to hand it to you… you are an amazing preacher, or in this case sharer, since you were really just sharing your heart in your book “Own the Moment”.  Now I will be honest…up until last weekend I really didn’t know much, if anything about you…and I probably wouldn’t have even picked up your book I had I not listened to a backdated convocation from Liberty University on YouTube that featured you preaching.  Honestly, I was a little skeptical of you when I found out you were associated with Hillsong.  Don’t get me wrong, I love their music, but people have told me in recent years that hillsong, bethel, and churches such as those were really just cults... wolves in sheep clothing.. and I needed to be aware.  I think I really only listened to your YouTube convocation sermon because it came from my school and… well, I figure it couldn’t be all bad if the school had let you in (which mind you, isn’t the best logic considering my school recently wouldn’t allow Shane Claiborne on campus and I have a lot of respect for that guy).  Anyway, I heard your sermon and decided to do a little research on you, only to discover you had a book… better yet, your book was/is on audible and you were the narrator (I am an audible snob and tend to listen to books only when the actual author is reading it).  Anyway, 7.25 hours later…or in my world, about a week… and I find not only do I have mad respect for you as a person…but also as a pastor.  God is using your life sir…which I am sure you don’t need some small-town girl you don’t know to tell you… and great things are gonna come from what you’ve written.

  Now for those of you reading this who haven’t read Carl Lentz’s book “own the moment”, my recommendation is to go out and get it a.s.a.p.  Not only is it full of practical advice, but there is life giving truth in each of it’s pages for both the Christian and non-Christian alike.  In the midst of him telling stories from his own life, you can find both a “I’m not alone” comfort and a kick in the pants to get over yourself that so many of us so often need.  I think for me personally, the biggest takeaway I took from the book was that people are worth investing it, whether that means other people…or even yourself.  God created every person on this earth and loves each and every one.  We all have value and if we take the time to truly see that…it will change our lives.

Honestly, peopling has never been my forte.  I have had moments of greatness when I’ve somehow figured out how to walk with my guard down long enough to make friends and influence people…but they’ve been short lived and often times have ended in me crashing and burning on the relational front.  Honestly, I’ve become so bad at friendship these past few years that a part of me has tried to act like I don’t need it, even though deep down I know connection to others is what my heart longs for.  Lentz’s book reminded me that my identity is in God and when I discover and understand that identity it frees me to open up to others and allow them to enter my heart while I enter theirs.  People become a whole lot less scary when we no longer are expecting anything from them, but rather just choose to love them because we know we are loved and we want to spread that love around.

  Another lesson I took away from this book was learning to appreciate the life that I have.  Lentz calls it having the right perspective…viewing life not as a bunch of “have to’s” but rather seeing life as a journey of “getting to”.  For me that means being thankful for the time I get to spend with my parents and recognizing how lucky I am to be able to listen to my mom tell me every detail about the tv shows she likes or the latest news on trump.  I may not be so interested in what she is saying, but I get to have these moments with her…to hear her voice and to sit next to her why she talks…so many other people don’t get to have that because either their mom has passed away or doesn’t live close by.  In that sense I am blessed and all it took was a little bit of perspective shifting to realize it and be thankful.  Of course this goes for other areas of my life as well, but this is the one that sticks out.

  There are so may other little lessons and confirmations that I got from this book as well.  Things like not letting fear hold you back and trusting god to make a way for you instead of trying to force your own way in life.  I could probably write several more post about all that I gleaned from this book, but honestly it doesn’t really help you that much to hear what the book spoke to me, instead it would be so much more valuable for you to go out and read it for yourself.  You might just be surprised to find all the ways God speaks to you through it!  So that’s my final (and I guess, first as well) thought…get this book and read it for yourself… I doubt you will regret it!

Truth and Lies...

   Do you ever feel like God is trying to teach you something... to show you a new way of life... and yet every time He does you fight against it or give up on it, so He has to keep teaching it to you again and again?  No?  It's just me then?  Huh. Well, maybe that's why this year has seemed like one big loop-de-loop around the same mountain over and over again.  In fact, it seems like all year long God has been trying to teach me the same thing, and lucky for me, God doesn't give up as easily as I do.  In fact it has become obvious He has been trying to get my attention all year in order to teach me an important lesson and to make sure I really get it.  And it seems like maybe I might finally be starting to.

  You see, at the beginning of this year I went to a prayer meeting where I honestly walked in thinking that I was going to be delivered from my deep dark struggle in a moments notice and would never have to deal with any of my junk again.  Of course, I walked out completely disappointed, because while I do believe God can work that way, He usually doesn't...and I left feeling just as bound as I felt walking into that service.  Anyway, during that meeting there was a lot of talk about strongholds in our lives and how they attach to us and take us down because we make agreements with their lies.  I remember during that meeting we were suppose to look at the lies that we had agreed with, repent of them, and then replace them with the word of God.  I on the other hand had spent the whole prayer time crying and complaining over the fact that my lies were so true and there was no way around them (of course I didn't really know I was doing that at the time).

  Then fast forward to a few weeks later.  By then I had joined and been a part of a small group of ladies who met weekly to grow together in our faith.  During those meetings we talked a lot about dealing with the junk in our lives and that the way to go about doing that was to look at our struggles, discover what lies were behind them, and then to replace those lies with the truth of God's word through prayer.  It took several weeks of me hearing this message over and over again to even begin to start buying into it and believing that maybe some of the lies I had been believing were just that...lies. 

  It was then that I started looking at some of the biggest questions I had in my life...things like why I felt abandoned by God and why it felt like I had been blackballed from the community of Christ followers.  I started to dig in and look to God for answers and for a while things started to look up.  So, being me, I did what I always tend to do when things seem to be getting better...I stopped doing the very thing that was helping turn things around.  I stopped praying, I stopped looking to scripture and evaluating my beliefs against the truth of God's word.  I didn't do it spitefully, I just took my eyes off the prize so to speak and thought..I'm cured, I don't need this anymore (a lie in and of itself).

  Well eventually our small group ended and then, before long, things started to fall apart in my mind again.  In fact, I soon found myself picking up old lies and thinking that once again they had to be true and that I had only been fooling myself to think that anything would ever really change.  I remember thinking at that time how the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results, but assuming my insane choice was believing that recognizing the lies in my life would actually change anything,  instead of seeing the insanity of believing those lies to begin with.

  But now you can fast forward to just the other week when I got reconnected with the words of Carlos Whittaker (I say reconnected cause at one point in my life I was a huge follower of his...but that's a whole other story for another day).  Anyway, I heard him preaching as part of Fresh Life Church's weekly podcast and I listened as he shared a message from parts of his new book "Kill the Spider".  After listening to the podcast, I eventually decided just to pick up the book (or in my case download it unto my audible) and can I just say that was one of the best decisions I have made in a long time.  As I listened to Carlos share his story through this book it soon became obvious to me that message he was sharing was the same one that God had been trying to speak to me all year...that to kill your spider (Carlos's words not mine), I had to come face to face with the lies I had been believing, repent of them, and replace them with God's truth.

  Now in sharing this post, I am in no way trying to say that now that I have read this book I have no more problems or junk in my life...cause that would be a lie.  In fact I think I have really only begun to scratch the surface of the amount of junk I have allowed to pile up in my heart over the last several years, but I feel like I'm finally starting to Get God's lesson...and I am truly beginning to take that hard look at my life and myself and to allow God to help me sift through what is truth and what is false in it.  In fact I feel more open to allowing God to work in me than I have in a long time and I believe God is on the verge of doing something great in my heart.  Now, I don't know how long it's going to take to clear out all the lies or where this journey might lead me, but I do know it will all be worth it and so I am willing to take on the challenge.  So would you pray for me and keep encouraging me to keep going and remind me that the truth is out there and that the truth is found in God alone!  I know this is where God wants me to head and I know this is the path to freedom in Him.  God has been speaking to me all year about this and I am finally really ready to listen and I am excited to see where this journey takes me.  Thank you God... I think I am finally starting to get it!

The War in our Minds and the Power of Community...

  The other day I saw this comic... it wasn't meant to be funny or anything but rather to explain what it is like to have social anxiety.  In the comic there was a girl sitting at her desk in the middle of the classroom surrounded by all these other students, and above her was this thought bubble that read, "Gosh, I really need to use the bathroom but I can't because if I get up everyone will look at me" (or something along those lines).  Now to some people who would read that comic their reaction would be, "who cares if people look at you?  You're human.  Everyone has to use to bathroom.  Just get up and go, nobody really cares. So just stop being silly, get up, and go"... and they would be right in what they are saying.  

  But as someone who as struggled with moments of anxiety like this, I can also see that it's not that simple.  The truth is our minds are powerful things, and they can convince of of false truths that can hold us back from life and truly living.  And while looking at it from the outside it may be so easy to say, "get over it, here's the truth"... when you're stuck in the middle... lost in your own head... you just can't seem to see it.  I think this is why God designed us to live in community and to need other people....We need people in our lives who will stand with us and speak the truth to us when our minds have convinced us otherwise.  We need people in our lives who will love us in our struggles, but will also allow us to stand with them in theirs and go to bat for them when the devil takes his best shot at them.  And more importantly, we need God to enable us to be and to do this....because let's be honest... on our own we make a mess of everything! 

  But maybe that's just me... the truth is, I have never been very good at being open and vulnerable and letting people in.  Take for example my last three months in Ecuador and my first year and a half home.  I was struggling hardcore.  I was depressed, I was shutting down, and my relationship with God was almost at its breaking point.... but very few people really knew what was going on... and even those who had some clue, had no idea the depths of darkness into which my mind would take me.  I remember at the time I had a small core group of friends who it had taken me years to build trust with, and as I walked through this season I just watched those relationships crumble because I didn't know how to share what I was going through with them. And I remember at one point making the conscious decision that I wouldn't share anything about what was going on with me, but would instead only focus on them... believing that this would set things right.  But you know what?  It didn't.  Community isn't a one way street...and people aren't going to share themselves with someone who clearly isn't going to do the same.  That makes sense to me now... but in the moment my mind had me convinced that it was others who were wrong for not letting me in and that they were the reason things were falling apart.

  The thing is, in those moments I wanted nothing more than a friend to stand by me and tell me everything was going to be okay... yet my mind had me so convinced that nobody would understand or care and that I was being weak and stupid and everyone would see how much of a loser I was if I ever said anything, that I refused to open my mouth.  I wish I could say that I have grown out of this, that I have gotten over the whole vulnerability thing and I have learned to allow people to see the darkness so that they can speak truth to it... but the truth is, I am just starting out on that journey.  In fact, at the beginning of this year I decided that I would force myself to join a community group at my church so that i could be surrounded by other Christians... people who would speak the truth to me and to whom I also could speak truth to.  In the first group I joined, I saw God begin to transform my heart and take me from a place of wanting to be closed off to the world, for fear of getting hurt, to seeing my need for others... but that's only the first step into the journey.

  So when that group ended, I had a choice to make, and I decided to keep forcing myself out of my comfort zone and more importantly out of my head...and thus, I joined another community group.  I wish I could say...and now things are awesome, but the reality is..."this is hard yo!".  After years of cutting myself off from others and becoming more and more afraid of people, each week I am literally forcing myself into a group of people who seem so open and vulnerable and caring for one another... and as much as I want to be there with them... I feel awkward, and the voice in my head keeps telling me that I'll never fit in, that I don't belong, that these people are so much better than me.  But you know what...I'm not going to listen to that voice in my head... and I am not going to let my social awkwardness keep me back from God's best for me.  I believe community is important... I believe it's God's design and his gift to us... and I believe that eventually, the more I go to this group, the more I listen to these people share the truth of God in their lives and the more I begin to open up myself, that more that voice inside my head will begin to change and begin to speak the real truth.  I don't have it all together, I am not there yet, but I am pressing in...and I hope that is encouraging to you and convinces you to do the same.  It's not easy... but we have to believe it's worth it... after all, it's not like God doesn't know what He is doing!

Surely Not I...

  So after reading the book of John, I have spent the better part of the last two months working through a lot of the same stories now told in the book of Matthew... and it always amazes me the things that don't stick out to me in one viewing of a Gospel, that do in another.  For instance, the last supper....that whole night in general is pretty epic.... but the last time I read through it (when I was seeing things through the eyes of John), all I kept looking at was Peter and how he was all like, "Not me Jesus, I will never deny you", then he turns around and denies Jesus in Jesus greatest time of need.  And there was so much in his story (Peter's) that I negated to see anyone else  and what they went through that night.  This time around however I got caught up in Judas (bet you didn't see that coming....or maybe you did)!

  If you read the story of the last supper as told by Matthew in chapter 26, you see Jesus basically telling all his disciples during this meal that he will be betrayed, turned over the the religious authorities and put to death... something He has told them multiple times before, but it's different this time because this time he tells them his betrayer is actually one of them!  Now of course they all are in an uproar, claiming like Peter did, that of course they would never turn their back on Jesus!  But Jesus knows the truth of who it will be.  

  Now we know from other gospel accounts that Jesus actually tells John that the one who will betray him is the one whom he hands a specific piece of bread to.  And I can only imagine this happens just before Judas exclaims himself (in Matthew) "Surely you don't mean me Lord?!".  And as I read those words of Judas and considered how Judas must have felt in that moment and how he so desperately was trying to save face with his words... I realized just how often in my own life I have been just like him.

  You see the Bible doesn't give us much more detail beyond that.  There's no explanation as to how John responded to seeing Jesus hand the bread to Judas... nor is there really a continuation of the conversation after Jesus declares "You said it!" to Judas, when he asks if he is the betrayer... but I can imagine Judas feeling called out and wanting to cover up...to pretend like Jesus didn't know what he was talking about and that God couldn't see into his heart like He did.  And the truth is...that is exactly how I act towards Jesus sometimes.

  There are so many times I am living my life and I know what I am doing or what I am about to do is wrong...maybe not in the "you can go to jail for this" kind of way or even the "someone else is gonna know what you did" kind of way... but wrong nonetheless.  And in my heart of hearts, in those moments I can feel God pulling on my heart strings... trying to grab my attention and beacon me to a new way.  Jesus will literally be calling me out... just like he was doing to Judas at the last supper... and I'll be like, "Dude, I don't know what your talking about... I'm fine... this is fine"!  And just like Judas I try so hard  to save face and cover up the very sin that God wants to free me from.  Why do I do this?!?!

  I think that ultimately, there's a little bit of Judas in all of us... this part of us that for the "right price", whether that's love/acceptance, money, success, etc... we will betray Jesus.  And I think in those moments when we give in to temptation and we take the bribe, and we turn our backs on God... we ultimately arrive at the same place Judas did...death.  Maybe not physical death (although in some cases that could be true), but a spiritual death...a separation from God and ourselves that we regret having a hand in.  But thank God that there is a thing called forgiveness and that there is mercy and grace for our souls when turn back to God in repentance.  I may at times act like Judas, but unlike Judas's story in the bible...my story will not end in death, but rather in Life, because of Christ!  Thank you Jesus... for I am so grateful!  Amen.