The Hard Work of Letting Your Guard Down...

   At the end of church today, our campus pastor said something in passing that truly grabbed my attention.  As he was closing up service and doing the altar call when he said something like, “let your guard down” …and I immediately thought, “when was the last time I actually had my guard down at church?”.  Honestly, I can’t even remember.  It seems like for years now I have been super skeptical when I walk in the church doors…skeptical of people, skeptical of sermons, skeptical of God himself.  I don’t want to be like that…I really don’t… and yet…I am…and sometimes it really sucks.  In fact, I often wonder how much I am missing out on just because I can’t seem to “let go and let god” as they say.

  I guess it all started in Ecuador.  I moved to this beautiful country to work with this beautiful people and felt like God had really led me to that place… and yet through such an experience I faced challenges that eventually lead my relationship with God and Christians in general to the breaking point.  I went from trusting God to lead me, to wondering if He was even for me... from believing that God could use my life to spread the gospel, to wondering why He even would.. and from trusting in the power of community, to experiencing the pain of having the very people you depend on flip on you and cause you to doubt if you've ever been loveable.  I basically walked into that country one person and left it a completely different person…and it has taken me years to even begin to try and put my relationships with God and others back on track.  So yeah, I have a guard up when it comes to church, and God, and the Christian community.

  So now that leads me to wondering how do I start letting that guard down, especially when so many of my interactions with the Christian community and God himself today bring up all the pain of the past several years.  Fortunately, or not I know the answer… dealing with the pain itself… but who wants to do that?!  Just kidding… Kind of.  I mean truly who wants to deal with pain?  No one.  But even though that’s true…it’s also a necessary step to healing and growth… and healing and growth is what I want.  So, even though sometimes the truth… sucks… but it’s also necessary and so now the hard work must begin.