So after reading the book of John, I have spent the better part of the last two months working through a lot of the same stories now told in the book of Matthew... and it always amazes me the things that don't stick out to me in one viewing of a Gospel, that do in another. For instance, the last supper....that whole night in general is pretty epic.... but the last time I read through it (when I was seeing things through the eyes of John), all I kept looking at was Peter and how he was all like, "Not me Jesus, I will never deny you", then he turns around and denies Jesus in Jesus greatest time of need. And there was so much in his story (Peter's) that I negated to see anyone else and what they went through that night. This time around however I got caught up in Judas (bet you didn't see that coming....or maybe you did)!
If you read the story of the last supper as told by Matthew in chapter 26, you see Jesus basically telling all his disciples during this meal that he will be betrayed, turned over the the religious authorities and put to death... something He has told them multiple times before, but it's different this time because this time he tells them his betrayer is actually one of them! Now of course they all are in an uproar, claiming like Peter did, that of course they would never turn their back on Jesus! But Jesus knows the truth of who it will be.
Now we know from other gospel accounts that Jesus actually tells John that the one who will betray him is the one whom he hands a specific piece of bread to. And I can only imagine this happens just before Judas exclaims himself (in Matthew) "Surely you don't mean me Lord?!". And as I read those words of Judas and considered how Judas must have felt in that moment and how he so desperately was trying to save face with his words... I realized just how often in my own life I have been just like him.
You see the Bible doesn't give us much more detail beyond that. There's no explanation as to how John responded to seeing Jesus hand the bread to Judas... nor is there really a continuation of the conversation after Jesus declares "You said it!" to Judas, when he asks if he is the betrayer... but I can imagine Judas feeling called out and wanting to cover up...to pretend like Jesus didn't know what he was talking about and that God couldn't see into his heart like He did. And the truth is...that is exactly how I act towards Jesus sometimes.
There are so many times I am living my life and I know what I am doing or what I am about to do is wrong...maybe not in the "you can go to jail for this" kind of way or even the "someone else is gonna know what you did" kind of way... but wrong nonetheless. And in my heart of hearts, in those moments I can feel God pulling on my heart strings... trying to grab my attention and beacon me to a new way. Jesus will literally be calling me out... just like he was doing to Judas at the last supper... and I'll be like, "Dude, I don't know what your talking about... I'm fine... this is fine"! And just like Judas I try so hard to save face and cover up the very sin that God wants to free me from. Why do I do this?!?!
I think that ultimately, there's a little bit of Judas in all of us... this part of us that for the "right price", whether that's love/acceptance, money, success, etc... we will betray Jesus. And I think in those moments when we give in to temptation and we take the bribe, and we turn our backs on God... we ultimately arrive at the same place Judas did...death. Maybe not physical death (although in some cases that could be true), but a spiritual death...a separation from God and ourselves that we regret having a hand in. But thank God that there is a thing called forgiveness and that there is mercy and grace for our souls when turn back to God in repentance. I may at times act like Judas, but unlike Judas's story in the bible...my story will not end in death, but rather in Life, because of Christ! Thank you Jesus... for I am so grateful! Amen.
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