So the other day I woke up to a text message from a friend who has been really struggling in her relationship with God. Now this isn't such an unusual thing for me, as I often have deep and complex conversations about faith with many of my friends via text message, but there was definitely something different about this conversation in particular. For one, every time I responded to her I did so with such easy... not really having to think about what I was writing because it flowed out of me so easily....which isn't normal for me in any way as I usually stress over how to word things or how things might be taken. The other difference was, I wasn't just giving sage advice, I was giving her a piece of my heart and I realized I was only able to do that because I have been where she is and I am finally coming out of that valley.
You see, a lot of our conversation was about feeling like God was no longer there...like he was silent or indifferent...and I get that. For the past few years I have been living in that place...feeling like God had abandoned me and given up on me and like I had been rejected by the only person whose opinion really matters. I remember how it felt to cry out to God with every ounce of my being and feel like the only response I got was silence. I know the pain of thinking like I don't matter to God and that while I am saved and loved as one of the millions of people Christ died for, He really doesn't care for me as an individual. I can't even begin to tell you how that feeling messes with both your head and your heart...but believe me it gets real messy, really fast.
I think things began to change for me however when I made the decision that I was still going to seek after God and live for Him, even if I never felt like He cared for me again. Looking at that sentence now, I know it was only by God's grace that I was even able to come to that sort of determination, because let's be honest... whose going to continue seeking something for the rest of their lives when that very thing seems to reject them over and over again. The funny thing is....that's exactly what God does for us. We, as humans, so often think we don't need God. We act as if we are the master's of our own destiny without even acknowledging the fact that it's only by God's grace we are able to breathe and move and have a normal life. So we go about our lives, day in and day out, living for ourselves...doing what we want...and not even really acknowledging God. Yet, at the very same time... day after day, year after year... God pursues us with His love, giving us blessings we don't deserve, showering His grace and mercy upon us, and trying to connect with us in some way. We constantly reject Him... even as Christians (come on, let's be honest...how many times do you put off time with God to sleep in or to go out...how many times do you say a quick prayer and get on with your day or even forget to pray at all until something goes wrong). Yet God continually chooses to seek us an love us despite how we may respond.
Maybe that's why when I made the decision to seek God anyway... things started to change and I found myself finally connecting back to him. And the thing is, the more time I have spent with God, trying to work through my feelings and issues over everything that has happened in the past several years, the more I realize that he has never once abandoned me or rejected me. He has always been right there by my side.... even when I was too blind to see and too caught up in my feelings to believe it... His love never failed. And I am so grateful for that!
I am also grateful that when my friend reached out to me looking for answers and a little hope, I was able to respond to her not with some trite religious answer, but from a heart that has been there...that has walked through the valley of the shadow of death and come out the other side. I've been to the depths...and I am sure some day I will pass through them again... but what I know now is, even there...even in the depths... God is with us and He will never stop loving us. Thank you Jesus!
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