I grew up in the Church, but it wasn't until sometime around middle school (probably about the time I made a decision to live for Christ) that I made the switch from playing games or falling asleep in service, to actually paying attention. And I don't know if this was actually something that was consistently preached from the pulpit about that time, or just one little thing that was once mentioned in a sermon and I clung unto it... but I specifically remember my pastor at the time telling the congregation that, as Matthew 5:48 says, we as Christians were suppose to "be prefect just as (our) Father in Heaven is perfect". Now I am sure that the intention of making such a statement came from a good place and a desire for us all to honor God. But for me... as a young kid just starting out in my own faith journey, through those words the very idea of perfection took up deep residence in my heart and is just now starting to leave.
Now there is a part of me that is grateful for this. As a teenager, the idea that I needed to be perfect to please God or else, kept me from doing a lot of stupid things and getting myself in the kind of trouble that I wouldn't be able to handle. In high school when many of the people I knew were drinking, smoking weed, and partying on the weekends. I stayed mostly to myself, reading my bible (yes, I was that kid) and spending my weekends with my church friends. I never felt like I was really missing out on anything, but I also was under the belief that I was somehow better than others because I had refrained from such activities. Looking back now, I can totally see how the Pharisaical heart I have worked so hard to get rid of, started developing in me even back then.
Anyway, the downside of this perfection ideology actually didn't really hit until I hit the real world. It was then that I realized, "Holy Crap, I am not perfect! In fact, I am so far from it... I should be ashamed". And ashamed I was. I was still a Christian, but instead of becoming more solidly founded in the love of my Savior, I began to become more and more fearful of what God and others would think if they only knew the real me (As if God didn't already know). Soon I was hiding parts of myself away, not sharing my struggles, and putting on this Christian front so that nobody would be able to find me out. This continued on for years, although I certainly never admitted it.
I actually remember that when I was applying to go on the missions field full time, I was so scared that it would be found out I was a "sinner", that I didn't dare share my fears or worries about what I was about to do with anyone. I just kept casting my happy little vision of what it would be like, and pretending like I didn't feel like a fraud who had somehow duped people into thinking she was somehow ready to go "save the world". Thinking back now, I often wonder how different things would have turned out if I knew then what I am learning now.... that I don't have to be afraid of my weaknesses and imperfection...and that in fact the same Bible that speaks of being perfect, also tells us reassuringly that "it's in (our) weakness, (God) is made perfectly strong" (2 Cor. 12:9). Of course, I wouldn't be who I am today without having gone through all I have, so it's probably better this way... And I am sure God knows that.
Anyway, it wasn't until my dream of being a missionary came crashing down and I felt completely exposed and unbelievably vulnerable, that I was able to begin to see that God not only could, but does, love me... even though I am not perfect. Not that has been was a easy process though. In fact, it probably wasn't until close to two years removed from the missions field that I was even willing to look up from the pile of ashes I had been sitting in and to see God smiling at me. For so long after my time I on the field, I felt like I had failed God and in turn He had failed me, but the truth of the matter was I hadn't failed God...He wasn't surprised by how things turned out and He certainly didn't turn His back on me... in fact, God was there in the midst of all that pain, patiently waiting for me, longing for me to just look to Him and realize just how much He loves me.
I am just starting to truly get it now, but I can just imagine God watching me go through the application process to get on the missions field and trying so hard to remain in control and "be perfect" on the field...and Him just knowing what was coming and all the pain I would walk through, but also Him sitting there planning exactly how He would use it to bring me to freedom. In fact, I think God allowed me to be stripped of everything and feel like I was completely breaking down during that time, in order that He could build me back up in the knowledge that my perfection is found in Him...it's His holiness, His righteousness, His goodness that I stand in....and it's his grace that covers me and keeps me from having to fear being real with my struggles and imperfection. I'm starting to get it God.... Finally! It's definitely a process, but thank you for opening my eyes (even though I had to walk through the pain to get there). Amen
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