Not your Typical NYE post....

  I haven't written in a while.  Not because I haven't thought about it or haven't wanted to.  I just haven't been able to find the words...or to put them down on paper (or in a blog).  There's a lot that has happened, a lot that's going on, a lot that I am trying to work through.  And I guess in a way I'm now on a new journey....a journey of self discovery, a journey of deepening faith, a journey of realizing what's the point in all of this.  I don't know what's going to happen from here on out.  I don't know how pretty or messy things will get.  But this is life and, I guess that's how it goes.



 

Today is New Year's eve and usually about this time of the year I am coming up with goals and ideas for how I want the next year to go.  In some ways I feel like I kind of did that this year back in September.  I was in a place where I needed something to look forward to, something to carry me on, and so I started thinking about the future...coming back to the states, what I wanted to do, how it would all flow together.  My plan was pretty good...at least I thought so.  Of course, nothing has turned out as I expected and things pretty much began unraveling before I even got on a plane to come back, so here I am...December 31st, 2015.... on the brink of a new year....with no idea about what to do, how to do it, or what's going to happen.

 

It's hard to be excited about a new year at the moment.  Usually when you think new year, you think fresh start and new beginnings.  That just doesn't seem to be the case for me this time around.  Instead of a clean slate, I feel like I am heading into a new year with all this baggage and issues from the previous year that have to get worked through.  I look at my calendar and I already see at least the first three months of the new year being consumed by a problem that came to light for me almost two months ago.  I hate that I can't just forget about it, and push it all aside, that it's not possible to just pretend like it doesn't matter and has no effect on life.  It does and I can't.

 

Then there are things I need to figure out.... insurance, a job, school, etc. and the emotions that come not only with being back in the states, but also trying to process my past two years in Ecuador. I feel so overwhelmed...on top of the overwhelmedness I felt before moving home.  Everyone here is so excited to see me and have me home and that's so nice, but for me it's not the easiest place to be.  All I can say is, while I don't know what to expect in the new year (at least not completely), I guess I just need to hope things get better than how they start.

 

So....Happy New Year Ya'll.

Be safe tonight!

 

Jess 

 

Telephone Poles and Toothpicks...

  Last night I made the conscious decision not to blog.  In part I was exhausted from my day of travel and ministry, and partly I just felt like it wasn’t worth it to just put out a blog, to put out a blog.  Plus I kind of felt the freedom to just let it go for one day because of the blog post “Failing” by Micha Murray that I read a few days ago…so there’s that too.

  Anyway, something I have been noticing about myself lately is that I tend to be annoyed and frustrated with other people, and just get fixated on what I perceive they have done “wrong” instead of actually taking the time to look into my own heart and discover why this bothers me so much and what I can do to change my reaction.

  This morning I spent quite a bit of time journaling about it… about why I am like this and what’s really going on in my heart… and I realized that the reason why I fixate on other people’s “issues” is because it’s so much easier then looking at my own!

  The Bible talks about trying to take the speck out of other people’s eyes while we have planks in our own.  In my mind, I always picture myself trying to get a toothpick out of my friend’s eyes while I have a telephone pole protruding out of mine.  What always ends up happening in this mental picture of mine, is that I end up hurting the other person and myself…. Which is pretty much what happens in real life.

  So that begs the question… how do we get the telephone pole out?  And is it even possible to do so? And if by chance I am even capable of doing so, does that mean that I should then even go back and try and pick at that toothpick in my friends eye?

  Honestly, I don’t know that it’s possible, this side of heaven.  As much as I believe that we are new creations when we come to Christ and thus we have a new nature, in my day to day life I struggle to constantly live out of that “newness”.  In fact most times I struggle to believe that it’s possible for anyone (outside of Jesus) to live a sinless life.

  Maybe that makes me a bad Christian.  Maybe that shows the cracks in my own spiritual armor or at least my understanding of God and my relationship with him.  But… it’s also true, and maybe the best way to begin working that pole out is just to be honest…. To admit the truth and to be real.

  I also think that pulling a telephone pole out of your eye, or even having it removed “gently” by a surgeon, is going to cause some pain, it's also going to take some time to recover and it will even bring about some changes in lifestyle.  None of that is easy….it takes a conscious decision or decisions, it takes being willing to change, it even takes the ability to sit with the pain (at least for a bit).

  But I also think, like with any type of surgery a person would have, it’s necessary…and it’s worth it…. at least in this moment is sure seems like it would be.

On Being Open and Vulnerable...

  Do you know what's really hard for me?  Opening up.... like really opening up.... like telling you things that are going on inside my head or my heart that I know might make you uncomfortable or that you might not agree with or that will make you look at me in a different light.  It's not like I am a completely closed off person.  I have friends, I get along with people.  I know how to share enough of myself to make it possible for me to have relationships.  What I am talking about here are the more deeper parts of myself, maybe the more real-er (yes I know that's not a word!) parts of myself.  That's what is hard for me to share.

  Lately I've tried to become more open in putting myself out there....whether on here or with strangers and sometimes with friends.  Yet what I am finding is that a lot of the reasons why I hold back in sharing are actually valid.  The fears I have about people's response and what comes next in many ways have come true and I can't help but wonder is it my fault... is this is a self fulfilling prophesy.

  The more I try to open up, the more I feel like the world is putting its big giant hand over my mouth and telling me to "shut up" and "sit down".  It makes me want to stop, to turn back, to close up and not really let myself be fully available to the world around me.  I can live that way... it is possible... I've done it for most of my life.  But, shouldn't the other way be possible to. I mean shouldn't we be able to live open and real with each other, and experience all of life, because we are giving all of ourselves to life?

  I don't know, maybe I am being to idealistic.  Maybe I am fantasizing the whole thing...considering the truth is, to experience all of life you have to experience both the good and the bad, and as a human I only want the good.  And maybe it's just a "Me" thing, as so many other people in the world don't have a problem putting their selves out there no matter what. 

  In my mind I wonder if this is how God created me or is this just how the world is because of sin?  And as I Christian sometimes I feel conflicted because I know my identity is in Christ and in nothing else on this earth, yet I clearly allow the things of this world to matter (I mean even the very fact that I feel the need to include something about faith in this post for no other reason than it's what people expect, proves that).

  I don't know.  Maybe really what it comes down to is that it doesn't matter how the world responds to us, but rather how we respond to the world.  Maybe it doesn't matter if people tell us to shut up because if we know what we are meant to say, we will say it anyway.  Maybe I just need to learn to plug my nose and close my eyes and jump into the deep end, to hell with the consequences (if only that was actually my personality).

  I'll figure it out....eventually.  In the mean time I am going to keep trying....to keep trying to open up a little more and a little more...and to not allow people and things to get to me so easily.  If everyone else has the right to be real and say their say, well then maybe so shouldn't I....although, I definitely don't feel the need to be as forceful about it as some, so I'm going to take my time.  Hopefully I don't regret this....

 

Mysteriously Out of my Comfort Zone...

  I think over the past two years I have become more accustomed to stepping out of my comfort zone, then I ever had been before moving here to the missions field. I know it sounds funny for someone who literally jumped out of a plane to say I don't like to do crazy things, but it's truth! In fact I don't even like to do many normal things....they cause me more anxiety than I care to admit. But, like I said , these past two years have been full of moments where I have had to do things that I was not comfortable with (not bad things, just stretching things). And I guess the truth is that what it really comes down to is choosing what "voice" I am going to listen to.
  This past weekend I did something that was about as far out of my comfort zone as moving to ecuador was. It might not seem like much if I told you what it was but let's just say it's something I have been presented with the option of  doing before and completely turned it down cause I just wasn't ready to go there.  I was too scared in the past and the "voice" that told me I it wouldn't be worth it, and would only cause more problems than good, has always won out before.
  I am honestly am not sure how I over came that "voice" now.  I am not even sure that I am "ready" to "go there" now, but I am also not sure that I will ever be ready and... well... I'm not getting any younger. I guess it pretty much came down to if the fear of things staying the same was greater than the risk... and  in the moment it was, so I jumped in feet first and tried not to let my feelings talk me into turning around.
  I wish I could say doing so has not only been easy but also rewarding. So far neither has been true, but I am banking on the fact that in the end I will be singing a different tune. We shall see. I wish that I could tell you more, but not yet....hopefully someday. Until then, please be praying for me and trusting with me that God will and is directing this whole process. Thanks! Amen.

In Sickness and In Health....

  So my friend was here last week and while she was here she was feeling pretty sick.  As much as I hate to admit it, I think I might have picked up a bit of her cold, as all day yesterday my throat was pretty scratchy and now today I've had a headache and not the happiest stomach for most of the afternoon.  I have seriously considered going to bed soon, but I am pretty sure that if I did I wouldn't make it through the whole night.

  I hate not feeling great (I am definitely not sick...just feeling off)....not that anyone really likes it... but I can be such a baby about it.  My friend traveled here and then worked for a few days even though she was feeling so much more crappier than me and here I am claiming I need to go to bed.  I am such a baby.

  The truth of the matter is I don't get sick very often and because of that, I think it's possible I never learned how to deal with being sick.  During my 12 years of schooling I was only sick 3 times...But I mean sick... and it lasted weeks!  And I worked over 5 years at a book store and only called out sick (because I was actually sick) 1 time!  Yet since moving here to Ecuador, I have gotten quite a few colds and 24-48 hour bugs.... not a whole lot, but more than I had in all the time before I moved here.  I think the germs may be different here.

  The thing is, that when I am sick, I want everyone to know.  I'm not super annoying about it... like I don't get whinny or have the poor me, I need attention attitude (at least I don't think I do), but I want people to know what's going on so that I kind of have an excuse if I need to go to bed early or I don't go do some activity. 

  What's weird though is that I am not like that in all the other parts of my life.  Obviously I share parts of myself with people.  I will tell you my opinions are if you ask and sometimes even when you don't.  I will tell you all about the good things that have happened in my day or even the embarrassing stories.  I will share about what God is teaching me or about how He is using me.  But if I am struggling, if there's something hard I am dealing with, if my "soul" is "sick" in any way.... I'm most likely not going to say anything. 

   I think we all have  things that we don't talk about though, and we all have our reasons for not doing so.  But isn't it funny that in our world it's so much easier to complain about being sick than to admit a struggle.  It's such a stigma, even though that's slightly starting to change, to say any of "those" things.  While people don't mind if you tell them you have the flu, it sure makes people feel uncomfortable if you say your dealing with such-in-such.  How do we change that?  How do we make it less uncomfortable?  Is that even possible?  Those are my thoughts for today....

 

Today I Remember...

  Last month I had a chance to Skype into a service at my home church and listen to the testimonies of the team that had come down to work with my team and I here in Ecuador during the summer.  It was so good for me to sit there and listen to them share what the trip was like and how God worked in and through them while they were here.  I needed that.

  During that service, I also had an opportunity to share.  In all honesty, I really didn't want to. I had hoped that the team would fill up all the time and I wouldn't have to say anything.  However, the night before the service, it had become quite obvious that I would have to say something and I felt like God placed something on my heart to share, so when the time came, I stepped up to the plate and did it.

  Six weeks (or something like that) later, I have come to believe that God had me share what I did on that Sunday not just to encourage/challenge others, but also so that it would be something that would stick with me and I could preach it back to myself when I needed to hear it.

  Today I went for a forever long walk.  I needed to get out of the house, enjoy some fresh air and get the endorphin rush.  As I was walking... and walking...I thought a lot about what I shared that day.  Mostly I quoted back to myself the verse, "The Lord is the one who goes ahead of you; He will be with you.  He will not fail you or forsake you.  Do not fear or be dismayed" (Deut 31:8).

  While this has been a year where I've been confronted again and again with the reality that God is always there for me... that He loves me unconditionally and that He will NEVER leave or forsake me...sometimes I still forget or struggle to believe it.

  God has never once given me a reason to doubt Him.  He has never not been there to catch me when I fall.  Even in the moments where I don't understand why He responded the way He did, He has still always responded.  He is faithful and strong and completely capable to handling my very best and my very worst.

  I can put up walls for the world and show them only the sides of me that are acceptable.  But I need to be real with God...I need to come clean about my messiness and meet him in the depths that I like to pretend don't exist for me.  And then, even when I push Him away or ignore Him... I need to remember that He's always there, waiting for me to come back, with arms outstretched.

   He's there like that for all of us....sometimes we just need to be reminded.  Today I remember...

 
 

Honesty and Blogging and Growing and Learning...

  This blogging thing is hard ya'll.  On the one hand, it gives me the space to open up and share a bit of myself with the world, which in a way brings healing and is very cathartic for me.  But on the other hand it can sometimes feel like I am in a cage; a dancing monkey trying to please the crowd.  I'm not saying that I write for attention (although maybe I do, because who writes a blog and hopes that nobody reads it), but I definitely struggle to walk the line between wanting to be true to myself and honestly share what's really going on with me, and not wanting to share too much because I know that people are actually reading this now and many of those people I see in my every day life (which is pretty uncomfortable and yet also really awesome at the same time... if that makes sense)!

 To be honest, there was a time when I blogged and nobody knew about it.  Because of that I could write anything and say anything because nobody knew I was sharing it.  In a way that was nice, but it was also kind of silly.  In fact I probably should have just had a journal that I left out on the table at my house for anyone to read, considering more people probably would have felt the desire to read that than were reading my blog.  But I made the choice to write  online... and I continue to do so because  I want people to connect with me and to be able to connect with people.  I want to know that I am not alone in the world and I long for the chance for someone else to read what I've written and see that they aren't alone either.  And the thing is, for that to  happen you need to be real....and sometimes being real on here ends up making life a little uncomfortable.

 In my real life, in my day to day comings and goings, I don't share the things I write on here with pretty much anybody I come in contact with.  It's not that I can't.....it's just that it's awkward and uncomfortable and...well... ain't nobody got time for that!   I think as we all grow up, we also all grow accustomed to believing that people don't really want to hear the nitty gritty, deeper stuff of our lives. It's kind of like when someone asks "how are you?" and you can tell right off if they really want to know or if they are just being polite.  Most people are just being polite.

  I also think the fact that I am a Christian and my faith plays a huge part in what I do and how I live, is in part why I find honestly blogging to be so hard sometimes.  Being a Christian automatically places certain standards on you.  People have an idea in their heads of what being a "Christian" is and they can't help but place expectations on your because of it (whether or not they themselves are a Christian!).  Then, I went a head and added an extra bulls eye to my back by choosing to follow a call to the missions field these two years, so there's a whole nother level to people's expectations of me (at least it feels like it).  And in a way, that makes me very cautious about being vulnerable and open. 

  But when it comes to this whole #Write31Days challenge though, for how hard it's been at times, it has also taught me a lot about myself and ways I still need/want to grow.  It's taught me to look more closely at myself and how I am feeling...not just glance over my feelings and then lock them away.  It's also made me ask some tough questions of my faith and my relationship with God...good questions, the kind of questions that make what I believe not just a statement but a reality.  And so, for has much as some days I "publish" a blog and think, "crap, why did I share that"...there's also a part of me that is excited to see where I go from here and to keep continuing on the journey of blogging honestly.  I am determined to see where this road takes me, what God teaches me through it, who I come because of it.  So that's what I am going to do....even when these 31 days come to and end...and I hope you'll continue on this journey with me.  May we grow together.

On Being an INFJ...

  In the past two or three years I have taken more personality tests than I can even count (okay, so that's not true, I actually could count them, but I'm going for emphasis here)!  Anyway, as many times as I have taken the Myers-Briggs test (and how many times I've tried to manipulate the answers so that I could come out as something different) I always end up being an INFJ (Introverted, Intuition, Feeling and Judging).  I guess in some ways I should feel privileged that I always come out in this group, as only 1-3% (depending on where you look) of the population are there... but honestly, it really just makes me feel like a paradox of a person.

  The best explanation I've read about what it feels like to be an INFJ, I actually found through a post on a Facebook group I am a part of.  The definition went like this...

"INFJ's are walking contradictions.  We want to be noticed and appreciated, yet we hate attention.  We want to make others feel happy and comfortable, yet doing so causes a great deal of stress for us sometimes.  We like to be  alone and are very independent, yet we yearn for companionship.  We are able to think very logically, yet we are willing to disregard logic if our intuition tells us something different. At times, being an INFJ can feel like being two people at once, and we regularly struggle with these two different personas"

 

 

  For me personally, this is so "right on" that I couldn't explain it better myself (although I guess in a way, I am about to try).  I am the type of person who can feel two exact opposite emotions at the exact same time...or at least it feels like it.  I can know what I "should" do and yet choose to do the exact opposite because that's the "better" option.  I am horrible with details, but I can be more organized than most people would ever expect!  I need my alone time, but I also can't go too long without interacting with other people or I start getting really down.  It really makes no sense to me why or how my personality works...and so I guess I can't really expect other people to get me either... but it's nice to know that there are other people out there who feel and act the same way as me...they get it...and even if we only are a slim part of the populations, us INFJ's are not alone!  And that, at least, is comforting!

Of Criticizms and Judgement....

  So I started a new small discipleship group with a few kids from our Children's program in Onakapak today.  It went really well.  I am super impressed with those kids, in so many ways.  Anyway, in order to prepare for our time together, I actually did the lesson yesterday with my "amiga" whose helping me. I think that was one of the most beneficial decisions I have ever made.  Not only did it prepare our hearts, but it also gave the kids a way to connect with us, when they realized we are all pretty much doing this together.

  One of the things that came out of my study with my "amiga" was that I want to work on  being less critical of people and situations.  I don't do it on purpose but I tend to grab hold of the speck in other peoples eyes while ignoring the plank in my own eye.  And maybe that's just human nature, but in a lot of ways it's hard from me to move away from that train of thought once it's started.

  Today I kept being confronted with moments where I literally had to mentally stop myself and choose to not give into the attitude I wanted to have.  Not only that but as much as there were things I wanted to complain about, or at least voice because they bothered me, I kept trying to stop myself in my tracks and to make the conscious decision not to give into bellyaching.

  Can I be honest though?  It was/is hard and in some ways, while I think it's better not to complain and criticizes, I felt like stopping myself from doing so means that I can't voice how I'm feeling....and feeling like I can't voice what's going on inside of me, sends me down a very lonely (some what unhealthy) slippery slope.   So that leaves me to wonder, where's the line?  At what point do we cross over from complaining to venting?  From a critical spirit, to a spirit that just has to voice it's opinion in order to process things?  Does any of that honor God?  Is it sin to give into any of it?  These are the things running through my head tonight... but after my 12 hour work day, I'm too tired to figure out the answers.  So let me know what you think, and maybe we can learn and grow together!

My Prayer, even on the "Off" days...

  So yesterday was another "off" day for me (why do they seem to be coming more frequently all of a sudden).  I got up and out of bed, but I don't think I actually woke up until almost 3:30 in the afternoon (about the time I woke up from the nap I ended up taking because I just couldn't concentrate on anything).  I don't know why I was feeling so out of it all day...I slept great the night before.... and minus the abrupt awakening from our unannounced house-clearner, I had no reason to feel tired when I got up.  But I did.

  Tuesdays I always go to bible study, which as everything in life has it's great sides and some drawbacks, so I went there, left as quickly as possible and then came home to work on some lesson plans I wanted to get done before my "amiga" arrived.  Thankfully when she got here, she was in talkative mood and so we just reclined on the couches for over an hour sharing our hearts together (well more like she shared, and I listened).  I felt so privileged that she would share so much of herself with me,  especially when I was sitting there holding back things that I thought might not make me look so good (considering in this context I am the missionary).  After that we all (that is, all of us who live in the house) went to "gringo" night for dinner (basically it's a time for all the ex-pats to gather together once a week and eat food from home) and came home to play games.

  Yet in the midst of all that I did, I kept feeling this running thread of self-abusive thoughts that told me how ridiculous I am for feeling "off" on a day with so many blessings.  I know I am blessed.  I know the very fact that I get to spend my days on the missions field, sharing my relationship with God and hopefully leading people closer to him, is a privilege.  Most days I go to bed rejoicing in that fact.... yet some days I wonder if I am really doing anything, if I am actually making a difference or if I am only fooling myself in order to justify why I felt "called" here in the first spot.

  I think over the last two years, I have come to believe that "extranjeros" can set an example for the believers and unbelievers in a new culture, but it's really the "locals" who can make the difference.  I can talk until I am blue in the face about what God has done for me.  I can let the light shine out of me in all that I do, but I'm always going to be an "outsider" who doesn't fully understand where my friends and neighbors are coming from.  Because of that, in some ways, I feel like there is always going to be a limit to what I can do (although the Christian response here would be..."But thank God there is no limit to what He can do through me!").  Now I'm not saying that I can't do anything, please don't miss understand me. I am just saying it seems more powerful for the "locals" I know to connect and learn from someone who has been where they are and understands the life they have lived.  I think that's true of everyone in the world, no matter where they live. So that brings me back to wondering, what am I really doing here...what have my two years here been about (besides what God has done in me)? 

  I have been told that had I not been here it's possible the children's ministry we started in Onakapak would not have happened.  I guess in some ways that's true, but even in that I wonder what have we done other than teach these kids stories about God and verses from His word (as I'm not sure how many of them have moved from these lessons being stories to the reality that this is their God).  I am also getting ready to start a small discipleship group with about 11 of the kids there (with the help of my "amiga") but in many ways I wonder if this is all coming too little to late.

  Then there's the relationships I formed with so many of the youth back in Saraguro.  Of course I am fun and interesting to hang out with, because I am different and I can teach you English, but have I really made an impact on any of their lives for the kingdom?  Have I shown them the reality of God in a persons life, day after day?  I hope so.... but I don't know. Even when I think about the kids I worked with at the Compassion program, or the kids I work with here at both the Feria Libre and the church Bible Club, I can't help but wonder am I really showing them Jesus, am I really teaching them something beyond a story?

  And maybe these are just the questions you ask when you're coming to the end of something.  Maybe you always look back over your time somewhere and wonder if it was all worth it (again the Christian answer here would be, if I did it out of obedience to God then it will always be worth it).  I have less than two months here in Ecuador.  I plan to give all of myself to what I am doing...even on the "off" days or the days I have to fake it with the world.  Yet my prayer would be that God would take my meager offerings and transform them into something so much more life giving!  I pray that He would use my obedience in a way that really changes other peoples lives.  And I ask that even when I don't feel like I am making any difference, that He would make a difference thru me.  That's my hope and that's my prayer...Amen.