I haven't written in a while. Not because I haven't thought about it or haven't wanted to. I just haven't been able to find the words...or to put them down on paper (or in a blog). There's a lot that has happened, a lot that's going on, a lot that I am trying to work through. And I guess in a way I'm now on a new journey....a journey of self discovery, a journey of deepening faith, a journey of realizing what's the point in all of this. I don't know what's going to happen from here on out. I don't know how pretty or messy things will get. But this is life and, I guess that's how it goes.
Today is New Year's eve and usually about this time of the year I am coming up with goals and ideas for how I want the next year to go. In some ways I feel like I kind of did that this year back in September. I was in a place where I needed something to look forward to, something to carry me on, and so I started thinking about the future...coming back to the states, what I wanted to do, how it would all flow together. My plan was pretty good...at least I thought so. Of course, nothing has turned out as I expected and things pretty much began unraveling before I even got on a plane to come back, so here I am...December 31st, 2015.... on the brink of a new year....with no idea about what to do, how to do it, or what's going to happen.
It's hard to be excited about a new year at the moment. Usually when you think new year, you think fresh start and new beginnings. That just doesn't seem to be the case for me this time around. Instead of a clean slate, I feel like I am heading into a new year with all this baggage and issues from the previous year that have to get worked through. I look at my calendar and I already see at least the first three months of the new year being consumed by a problem that came to light for me almost two months ago. I hate that I can't just forget about it, and push it all aside, that it's not possible to just pretend like it doesn't matter and has no effect on life. It does and I can't.
Then there are things I need to figure out.... insurance, a job, school, etc. and the emotions that come not only with being back in the states, but also trying to process my past two years in Ecuador. I feel so overwhelmed...on top of the overwhelmedness I felt before moving home. Everyone here is so excited to see me and have me home and that's so nice, but for me it's not the easiest place to be. All I can say is, while I don't know what to expect in the new year (at least not completely), I guess I just need to hope things get better than how they start.
So....Happy New Year Ya'll.
Be safe tonight!
Jess
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