Stepping outside the Bubble and Waiting on God...

  About a week and a half ago now, I left Saraguro to head to Guamote for a medical brigade my whole team (or at least the majority of us) were participating in. After that I headed to Guayaquil for a few days and now I am in Cuenca with plans to head back to Saraguro tomorrow. While I truly enjoy living in the village I do, it has been so nice to experience something new, to be around new people, and for once to actually take a bit of vacation. I think a part of me forgot that the world of Ecuador included more than the two other people currently working with my part of our Ecuador team (plus those in our neighborhood) and I think that God knew I needed this moment of refreshing to get away with people from my own culture and just relax. It's been so nice.

 It's also been a bit hard too...only in the sense that it's made me second guess some decisions I thought I had made up my mind about. This year has been hard. When I went home for Christmas, I didn't really feel like I got my fill of my friends and family....in fact in many ways I felt robbed of that time because I was more concerned about being a good hostess then really investing in being "home". Then when I returned back to Ecuador, to my small team in our small village, I immediately felt myself longing to be back with my amazing friends and family in the states. In a way, I think I left a part of my heart with them and I felt heartbroken.

  Thankfully, I do actually enjoy the work we do...especially our children's ministry program in one of the local villages in our area... So it was pretty easy for me to jump back into ministry and push the homesickness away (at least a bit). But then, in March, my housemate left for Guayaquil in order to lead some other ministries for a couple of months, and the loneliness factor kicked into high gear. The truth of the matter is, While I am a bit of an introvert and I need some time alone, I really do enjoy being around people and doing things with them. Even though my housemate spends a lot of time in her room and doing things on her own, I really started to miss at least having that other body in the house with me. And while I do have two other teammates, they are married, which often leaves me feeling like the odd man out and not always completely understood.

  Anyway, all of this and a rekindling of a dream God placed in my heart over 10 years ago, made it seem pretty obvious to me that what God called me to Ecuador for, was much different than what I thought and that at the end of my commitment, I should head back home...taking all I have learned from Him here....and step out into that dream. It will be hard, but I will have my friends and family around me supporting me, I will be in my own culture speaking my own language, and in many ways pieces of the "how do I actually do this God" puzzle seem to be coming together for this. I have even found myself getting more and more excited by it all and counting down the days until I would be launched into this new thing.  Then I came to this medical brigade, and I saw God use me in ways I forgot He could. Plus I have gotten to spend quite a bit of time with my field leader and his wife and I've caught onto the vision they have for this Ecuador team ministry, and that excites me. How can I walk away from something like this, just as God is turning the ship to a new horizon?!?

 So yeah, Now I am in a place of re-evaluation. I don't want to make the decision to go home based on loneliness and homesickness, but I certainly don't want to forget and give up on the vision/dream God has given me for when I return. I also don't want to make a decision to stay based on the emotional high I have gotten through the medical brigade and my vacation time with my field leaders. So I think what I am going to do is take a suggestion from my American Mom here (aka my field leaders wife) and put out a fleece for God. I need Him to be very clear, since no matter what decision I make, both will be hard (just in different ways). I am going to ask God to do something ridiculous...something a bit out of the ordinary....something that shows its only God who is speaking... And then I will go from there.

  If there is anything in life that I am certain of in this moment, it is that God is in control and that my life is not my own. I want to live fully and completely for my God. I want everything I do, every decision I make, to be about Him and for Him.  So it only makes sense that I wait on Him and trust Him with this decision. I don't like to go back on my word....I don't like to say one thing and then do another....but if God called me to it, I would change my mind on things and follow Him wherever He leads.....I just need to be clear of the direction. Pray with me to see it....I am trusting Him. amen

Kill'em with Kindness...

  People are messy...and hard...and uncontrollable.  We want to love them and serve them (or at least I hope WE do), but it's definitely never easy and sometimes that exactly why we give up on even trying.  The other day I was reading a stream of messages online about some kid (aka, teen...cause apparently anyone younger than me is now a kid in my mind) who was completely rude to the guy who posted the original message.  The guy had responded with some kind of snazzy remark and a bunch of other people had chimed in on this thread to cheer him on or offer alternative smart-alec remarks he could have said.  But honestly, as I read through majority of the thread, I just became sadder and sadder.  We treat each other so horribly in this world...and we cheer each other on for responding to  unkindness with unkindness.  What ever happen to loving your neighbor as yourself?!  Turning the other cheek?!?  Forgiveness?!?!  Or right...that's hard!

  I get it, I do.  I am human as well and when someone treats me like crap, my immediate reaction is to respond by throwing crap right back at them!  But what does that really accomplish anyway?!?  It only escalates the problem and turns me into someone I don't want to be.  What if instead, we responded to "jerk-faces" and "crap-heads" with love and understanding?  What if when they were rude, we were kind?  What if when they hurt us, we tried to bless them?!?!  Sure it's hard, but it would also make the world stand up and take notice!  Plus isn't that what Jesus called us to when He gave us all those One Another's in the Bible?!  Oh right, I forgot, those are the "rules" only for dealing with other Christians, not for those in the world!  Right?!?!  NOT!  At least I don't think so!  Imagine it.  A bunch of people who love Jesus, rising up and loving the world....loving those who seem least loveable and completely unforgiveable... what a difference that would make for the kingdom!

  Unfortunately, we're not much better off in the church, are we??!  I was also reading another online thread this weekend , where a bunch of people were sharing how they have been hurt by the church and received some really harsh treatment by those who claim to be serving God.  I can't point the finger at anyone else, because I've done my share of mud-slinging and ax-welding, damaging my brothers and sisters in the church as well.  But what if in the future, I put down my weapons, took up my cross (like the Bible says!) and actually lived like my savior did?!?!  Yeah it's hard.  Yeah people can be pretty sucky sometimes.  But what if instead of always pointing out the speck in other people's eyes and condemning their behavior as the problem, I instead dealt with the plank in my own eye and allowed the Holy Spirit to work through me to love without a reason or a cause!  What if you did the same?  Imagine the church we would have....Imagine how the world would change....Imagine how we would see the kingdom come here on earth as it is in heaven.  Amen!

Early Morning Activities...

  I am not that old, but every night, about nine o'clock, I start hearing my bed calling my name and before I know it my body has been convinced to put on pajamas and climb under the covers, even though my brain has plenty of other things I still want to do in my day (of course there's always something "more" I want to do in my day!).  While this totally helps me get in the 7-9 hours of sleep per night that scientist recommend....it also usually means I will wake up, for at least an hour, at some point in the middle of the night.

  Last night I climbed into bed about 9:15pm, read until about 9:45pm and was blissfully off in dreamland before 10pm.  Then at 1:30 in the morning I woke up...I mean woke up in the "I'm wide awake, so let's start our day" kind of way.  Well since no sane person starts their day that early, I started going thru the list of not so sure fire ways I know to fall back asleep.  I made a list of all the things on my mind, I prayed, I counted sheep, I tried this weird hold your breath then breathe slowly thing I read online, and then finally I gave up and decided to read my Bible.

  I don't usually like to read when I wake up in the middle of the night, as I have a tendency to want to keep on reading and I completely forget the point was to actually get back to sleep.  However, last night, reading was really soothing for me. I find sometimes that when I read the Bible, just to read it and get it in me, not necessarily to study it, it ends up leading me to pray.  I read the stories of Jesus and His disciples and I want to be more like my king.  I don't understand something, and I want to know what it means. I see something in me that God is literally speaking about, and I want to make sure my ears and heart are open to His voice.  So I pray.

  Now I'm not one of those very "religious" pray-ers.  Often my prayers just sound like the conversations that I have with my bests friends, but none the less as I am reading those pages in my Bible, and these words are bubbling out of my soul, I sense Jesus is listening and rejoicing and coming to my rescue.  And that brings me so much peace (which is probably why after about an hour I was able to fall back asleep).

  I use to hear about people who would pray through the psalms and think it was so cool, but I never really could "get the hang of it".  Doing it myself I always got lost in the "kill all my enemies" verses.  There was once I prayed through the book of James, but that's a pretty practical book so it makes sense to me why I would be able to pray it all out.  But  last night was one of the few times  I unintentionally started praying about what I was reading, and I realize it's definitely something I want to continue.

  So what about you guys?!  Anyone have a particular psalm or book of the Bible they really like to pray through?!  Any one else find that in just reading God's word, it often leads you into prayer?  Tell me about it... I want to know more...

YOU be YOU...

  If you've been in the church for any length of time, you've probably  heard someone preach on the following verses...

 

"The human body has many parts, but the many parts make up one whole body.

So it is with the body of Christ.  Some of us are Jews, some are Gentiles,

some are slaves, and some are free.  But we have all been baptized into one body

by one Spirit, and we all share the same spirit.  Yes the body has many different parts,

 not just one part.  If the foot says, "I am not a part of the body because I am not a hand",

 that does not make it any less a part of the body.  And if the ear says, " I am not part

of the body because I am not an eye", would that makes it any less a part of the body? 

 If the whole Body were an eye, how would you hear?  Or if the whole body were an ear,

 how would you smell anything?  But our bodies have many parts,

and God has put each part just where he wants it...."

1 Corinthians 12:12-18

 

 

... these verses are often used to remind us that we are all part of the family (the body) of Christ and the body of Christ cannot function correctly without each of us doing our part.  Personally I have heard the message of "Be who God created you to be", so many times now that you would think it would have finally penetrated deep into my soul.  Yet, there are so many times I find myself trying to be like someone else.  I hear a preacher who is so charismatic and full of the spirit that I find myself wanting to be like Him.  Or I meet another missionary whose so prophetic and outgoing that I long to have that gift.  Or I will work with people, or read about people, that seem so much more spiritual than me and before I know it, I'm trying to conform myself into their image.  But God never called me (and He never called you) to be like someone else....in fact the only image we should be conforming ourselves to is HIS.  So why do I do this?!?!

  Well, I'm actually not going to answer that question here, but I bring this all up to talk about something that came up for me this morning during our team training time.  We were all sitting there talking about this one particular preacher and as I was speaking, I had this moment where it became so clear to me how important it is to just be me.  In fact I  was saying something about how I'm never going to be a "Heidi Baker" or a "Todd White" and how sometimes the things that speak to other people, don't always speak to me....and out of the blue it hit...this is because that's the way God designed it.

  I know, that kinda seems like a "DUH!" thing to say, but think about it for a minute.  God could have created all of us to walk out our faith in the exact same way.  He could have given us all the exact same gifting's and abilities, all the same voices, all the same form of expression, when we became Christians, but he didn't.  He created us all individually and our differences are actually what make us fit together perfectly as one body of Christ.  If we don't take the time to be ourselves, to explore our gifting's and allow God's Holy Spirit to work through us as we are, those people in the world who will only respond to our type of Christ "Expression" will miss out.  Not only that but the Body of Christ will miss out!

  So yeah, I might not be a Heidi Baker, a Todd White, a Jason Upton, a Judah Smith.  But I am a Jessica ------.  I am exactly who I am suppose to be and God created me as I am in order to be able to do what He has called me to do and to touch the people He has prepared ahead of time for me to touch.  If I try to be anything other than THIS person, the Jessica L--- W------ that He made, it's not only me who will suffer...but the Church and the World will to.

  I need to remember this.  It's so easy to forget since we live in a world that is constantly telling us that you need to DO this, BE that, GET this, HAVE that.  I need to stop listening to the voices all around me and instead listen to the only voice that matters...God's.  He created me, with a purpose, and He knows exactly who I am suppose to be.  He wrote the instruction book for my life....I think it's about time I start letting Him have full say over it.  I hope it's time for you too!  Amen.

The Pressure's Off...

  Tonight we started a new series with our youth group about being radical for God....which I know in some circles can have a bad connotation, but we're talking about the kind of Radical that allows God, the God of love and grace and mercy, to shine in everything we do; the kind of radical that says Jesus is everything and therefore I give Him everything I am! 

  To kick off this series we each took some time tonight to share with the youth a bit of our testimony and then talk about someone who has influenced us to be radical for Christ.  I was the only person who shared someone I know personally, while others shared authors and missionaries from years ago.  I actually think this gave the youth a good overview of how people can speak into our lives in different ways (whether thru personal contact, in literature, or just thru how they lived).

  Anyway, this was the first time in a really long time that I wasn't worried about what I was going to share...probably cause I was talking about myself, and well, that's pretty easy for me.  But what's even more amazing is that this was one of the few times recently that after I shared I didn't stress about what I said or what I didn't say, I didn't analyze every thought that came out of my mouth, I didn't regret anything.  Normally after I share, I pick apart every bit of what I said, until I've pretty much convinced myself it was horrible and that I should never be allowed to share in public again (I am not dramatic at all)!

  I guess, for once, I walked away feeling like it wasn't about my words...in fact it wasn't about me at all.  God is going to do what God is going to do....and His spirit can touch anyone using anything!  I honestly believe that I could read off names in the phonebook and if God's Spirit entered into it, lives would be changed (not that I ever plan on trying that)!

  There's such a freedom in knowing it's not about me....that I can't do it wrong, if God is in it!  It takes the pressure off of me and allows me to just BE myself.  And I think that's how it should be.  Whether it's a youth meeting, sharing in church, talking to a class, or just chilling with friends, I don't have to try to do anything or be anything.... I can just pray and trust God, following His lead!  I guess that's what it means to truly be His , huh?!?!

Out of The Ashes, Beauty will Rise...

  Something that I really enjoy about my relationship with God is how honest I can always be with Him.  I can tell him the truth about myself, because he already knows it.  And I don't have to be worried about what His response is going to be, because He's already chosen to love me at my worst.  There's such comfort in that, especially since we live in a world that can be so opposite....even in Christian circles.

  Yesterday was one of those days where I just needed to be with someone who would listen to me bellyache, without judgment and without trying to fix anything.  I needed to vent my frustrations and discouragements and be free to be real, to be human, to let go of the feeling that as the "missionary" I have to have it all together, and just be myself.  (I really need to learn to live in that place!)

   Thankfully God knows me well, and He's placed friends in my life who know how to do that (even across the miles).  He's also given me people to who I look up to, that can speak words of wisdom into my life, in order to help me see the truth of God, His Kingdom and even myself. (Shout out to those amazing ones!  Thank you doesn't even really cover it!).

  But God also does something even more wonderful at times (okay, probably way more than sometimes), not only does He choose to listen to me and allow me to come to Him with my somewhat "whiny teenager" self, but He also waits on me, until He knows I'm ready, and then...He speaks.   Did you catch that?!  The God of the universe, who has the right to do whatever He wants, whenever He wants, chooses to wait on me.  Not only that, but then, even though He could straight up be annoyed and walk away, letting me do my own thing....He chooses to stick around, to just be there, and when He knows that my heart will really take it in....He speaks.

  The thing is, God doesn't have to do this....and to be honest, sometimes I wonder why He would.  But He does it anyway....out of His great love and all surpassing knowledge, He waits on us, comes to us, and speaks to us.  What kind of God is this that would basically humble Himself to man, in order to show man just how much He loves them?!?!  This is our God....this is my God!  It's what He did on the cross and what He continues to do every day of my life.

  I think we could all (especially me) learn quite a bit from Him in terms of how to be there for each other and how to relate to one another.  I guess that's another great reason why He is God....He's our perfect example.  I want to be more like Him.  Amen.

Where is the Fruit?!?!

  This is one of those blog posts that has the potential to get me into "trouble".  I can sense red flags going up and people getting all concerned because of my words and I think my honesty may even make some people uncomfortable....either in themselves or with me....but...that's just going to have to be okay.  Because I just need to get this off my chest....and who knows, maybe I'm not alone!

  Over the past few weeks I've been thinking a lot about the role of a missionary.  As someone out there on the "field", I often wonder if I am doing enough or if I'm trying to do too much.  I wonder if it's worth it for people to send all this money month after month to sustain me here, if I don't really have a lot of fruit to show for it, even though I know it's not about what I do but rather my obedience to God.   I have built relationships here and I've watch God move thru our children's ministry and use me in different ways, so maybe I shouldn't over analyze things...but, I have to wonder,....where are the lives coming to Christ, where is the transformation of families by the gospel, why does it seem like nothing is really changing?!?! 

  The truth is, I know that this is God's work and that for the time being He has me here to be a part of it.  Even more truthful is the fact that time and time again I have sensed that my job here is nothing more than to plant some seeds and water the ground as part of a long line of people who will move thru this place with the Gospel, and  I may never see the fruit of my labor.

  But, I want...more than anything....to see people transformed by the Gospel.  I want the youth we work with to grab hold of the true message of Christ and let it transform their hearts.  I want the children we share with to grab a hold of these stories we tell them about Christ and come face to face with the person they are really about.  I want my friends and those I come in contact with to experience the love and joy and hope of the Father like never before....and I have to believe that God wants this for them as well!  So how come we're not seeing it?!

  I know I can't change anyone or anything.  While I love God and want to obey Him in everything, it's not my job to "save" anyone in His name.  That's His job.... He is the savior of the world.  I am just a speck in the continuum...here today and gone tomorrow...doing my part in this great commission.  But if I, having such a small role, can so desperately desire for this village to experience the transforming depths of God's love and mercy and grace.....how much more must He, being creator and lover of all, desire it?!?!

  I keep telling myself that obviously He does desire this, but He also knows people's hearts and thus He knows when and how best to move in order to reach them.  I just need to be patient and obedient and trust Him.  But it's hard.  In fact I tend to swing back and forth from being content to pray and believe God for great things, knowing it's His work and thus it needs to be done His way, to wondering if my obedience really is doing anything at all besides allowing God to work in me and change me (not that that's a bad thing).

  I guess I just wonder if we are missing something, if my ears haven't quite tuned into God or my heart hasn't fully surrendered to Him.  I wonder if I will ever see lives really changed here or if it will be another 50 years before people really grab hold of the Gospel.  And I wonder if maybe I am not meant to see transformation here, and if why I thought God sent me here for this time was for a completely different reason than I thought.

  And I guess for now, I just need to sit in that wonder, sit in the longing, and let it permeate in my soul.  And then I need to let go and Let God do His thing, trusting that since it's never been about me, it doesn't matter if it all turns out how I expected.  It's for Him and for His glory and out of love I can obey Him, even if I don't understand and even though it's hard.  Pray for me in that..  Amen

 

Lessons from "Follow Me"...

  My teammates and I recently started reading the book "Follow Me" by David Platt, together.  I like David Platt.  I like his writing style and the way he makes me have to think.  And since I knew I would probably end up reading this book in the future (As I tend to read every book ever written by my favorite authors), it worked out perfectly to start it with my team!

  One of the things I like most about Platt's writing is that he always comes up with these metaphors and/or stories, that either I have never thought of before, or if I had, I never thought of them to the depth in which he describes them.  In the second chapter alone he shares three such metaphors/stories...

  The first one is about adoption.  Now, all of us who have grown up in the church or have been church committed for any number of years, knows that we are adopted by God as His children. But in the book Platt talks about going to pick up his own adopted son in Kazakhstan and how while he and his wife had loved this kid for years prior (without even knowing him) and how they did all the work to be able to adopted him, their son didn't do anything and prior to them showing up to take him home, he didn't even know them.  This is just like us and our relationship with God!  As the Bible says, He knew us before He formed us...He loved us before we even came into being.  God even did all the work to make sure that we could spend eternity with him!  We did nothing, he did it all! As the book also illustrates, we were dead in our sin and dead people can't do anything (but that's a whole nother blog!).

  The second story he tells is about a discussion he had with a taxi driver about what would happen if he disrespected him, his family, his boss, the police, the king!  As the driver responded the "penalties" of such transgressions got bigger and bigger until finally he said, "You'd be killed!" (mind you this was in a non-western country!).  The point he was making is that the weight of sin is dependent on who you are sinning against!  Now, for me, I tend to look at my sin sometimes and think "I didn't mean it" or "Well I didn't do anything that bad".  I justify my sin based on me, how I was feeling, what I really meant or what I did.  But if the weight of my sin isn't based on me, or even on what I did, but on the one whom I have sinned against, that changes everything!  For me, that openness my eyes to see how I've hurt God, how I've offended Him, what His thoughts and feelings must be....and that brings true repentance in me.

  The final story (although not the last story in the Chapter...I don't think), is about the first conversation he has with his translator when he went to go pick up his son in Kazakhstan.  The translator asked him what he does for a living and he responded that he was a pastor.  The translator, in response, shared how she felt religion is for the weak!  And David responded, "I know.  I am weak!".  I love this story so much because the truth is, I am weak too.....I just hate to admit it!  I grew up in the United States....it was ingrained in me from the time I was little never to show weakness! I don't like people to see my weaknesses, to point them out to me....and I certainly don't like being the one to tell others that I am weak.  But God already knows I am weak and that I need Him....and deep down I know it too.  So when we admit to God our weakness, we actually step into strength....His strength.  It's one of those upside-down, backwards kingdom principles we all know about but just don't line up with what we see in the world around us.  Weakness is admitting you can't do it....and that's so contrary to what the would tells us to do... but in so doing it we find the one who can and who did do it all!  People who don't admit their need for God will never come to Him!  If we never show our weakness before God, if we always try to act like we have it together, why would we ever turn to Him?!  So yes....God is for the weak....and that is a good thing, considering that I too am weak!

  Anyway, I definitely didn't do as well of a job as Mr. Platt in explaining the impact of these stories....and for that reason all I can do is point you to the book and tell you to read it for yourself.... but really I guess what I wanted to do with this blog post is write down what I have been learning so that I can look back on it when I start to forget.  So yeah, this is a reminder to me....but hopefully this is also a reminder to you!  God chose to adopt and loved us from the beginning of time.  He did all the work, even going so far as to send His son to die for our sins so that we could still spend eternity with Him inspite of our unrighteousness!  When we sin, we are sinning against God, first and foremost (as of course we are also sinning against others and/or ourselves).  The truth of that statement....of whom we are transgressing against....should matter to us, should make a bigger difference, should lead us to repentance.  And finally it's okay to be weak, because it's only in admitting our weakness that God can enter in and show us just how strong He is!  Amen 

Find me in the River....

  There's this story in the Bible where one of the religious leaders of the time asks Jesus what the greatest commandment is.  He was trying to trip Jesus up, but Jesus responds to him, none the less, and says, "You must love the Lord your God with all you heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength.  And the second is just like it.  You should love your neighbor as yourself.  No other commandment is greater than these".  In one statement, Jesus takes all the religious rules and regulations of the time and boils them down to one word... LOVE!  That's what He asks of us, that it what He requires of us, and that is what He constantly shows us!  So why is it so hard to do it?!?!

  When I think about my own life and the attitudes and actions I have carried out in the past week alone, I have to admit that while I want to be a loving person, while I want to love God with everything I have and love others the way I know Jesus would want me to....I'm honestly not that good at it.  I try....I do.  And sometimes I get it right.  But more times than not, I get so wrapped up in myself that I forget that I am not the center of the universe and before I know it I am exuding selfishness and self-centeredness and everything that is the complete opposite of love.

  And don't get me wrong, I know the very ability to love others come from a place of knowing you are loved, and that when we understand how truly loved by God we are...and how freely and unprovoked, He shows us His love....then the gratitude of it all gives you the ability, the inspiration, the desire even, to love others.  And yet, sometimes...over and over again...I forget the magnitude of the Love of God...and everything else just goes to shambles.

  Why does that happen?!  How is it possible to forget the fullness of the love of the very one who gave his life for us?!?!  How does the love of God become something that we know in our heads, but don't allow to really impact our hearts?!?!  And I know I am probably just thinking about myself here, cause nobody else who calls themselves a Christian ever struggles to keep God on the throne and ourselves bowed before him (I'm being sarcastic).  But when it happens what do we do?!

  Well for me,  I'm starting to relate to God in a whole new way.... a way that is completely open and transparent and says, "I know I don't have my act together, but I also know you love me"...and thus I find in those times when I've fallen again in my own pile of poop (metaphorically of course), that instead of running away, I need to run straight into the arms of my father.God who is holding out His arms to me.  I need to run to Him to remind me again of His grace and His mercy and His love.  I need to let myself sit there in his presence and just soak in the reality of a God who is not just some "big guy in the sky", but whose a Daddy, who loves to be with His children. 

  It's in the presence of God that I am reminded of who He is and who I am.  It's in the presence of God that I feel loved and accepted and know my place in the world.  It's in the presence of God that I understand once again His great love for me, and the weight of this love transforms my heart. I don't want to come off sounding religious and like I'm just saying the words I think you need to hear.  I'm speaking the truth from my heart....from my life...this is real. 

  And that's the thing about God's love....it's bigger and more real than we could ever imagine.  It's a river that when we get caught up in it, we lose all control and find a new way to live that's not about us, but rather the current of the water.  And it's in that flow, when we stop trying to swim against the stream and we learn to just rest in the waves, that life becomes what it's suppose to be.  We stop striving, we stop trying to make it on our own, and we just surrender.....and the love of God washes over us, it fills us up and it begins to pour out of us into the world.

  So,  I don't know what the next week holds, what the next months or even the rest of the year has in store for me....but If you need me, as Kent Henry sings, you can "Find me in the River"...I hope you'll join in to...I think that's where true life begins and real love flows.  Amen.

Looking for the Blessing in the Flaw...

   I’ve always been a Highly Sensitive Person, and while it makes me unique (as only about 20% of the population is as such), I’ve often struggled with the implications of it in my life.  Growing up my sisters (and sometimes my parents) would get annoyed because of how hurt I would get by what they saw as “the simplest things”. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been made to feel even worse about myself by people who tell me I just need to “toughen up” of “Have thicker skin”.  And while I’ve become quite good at acting the part and pretending to be unaffected by things as I’ve grown older, sometimes my heart just wants to bust from all the stuff I end up having to hold inside.  The thing is though that  even though the world (in general) doesn’t seem to appreciate this specific characteristic, I think it’s something that God does appreciate….and it’s something He puts in some of us because He can use it.

   I’ll be honest, one of my least favorite things to be described as is “sweet” (I’m NOT candy!), but I think the reason most people tend to call me that is because they sense the part of me that can really empathize with them and what they are feeling.  In fact I was reminded just the other day, when someone was sharing a bit of their life story with me, just how easy it is for me to literally take on the pain of others.  It’s not even something I really need to think about; I just instinctively pick up on the emotions of others and before I know it, I am feeling how they feel (which is why I can walk in a room completely happy and then sense the stress or depression or struggle of someone else in it and all of a sudden start feeling less okay…. It’s also why I get overwhelmed by large groups and parties; there’s just too much emotion in on place and there is only so much I can take it before it takes me over).

  The thing is, while I’m starting to see how God can use this to help me connect better with people and minister more effectively (I can’t tell you the amount of times people just open themselves up to me even though they don’t even really know me), I definitely still struggle with it.  I get why the world wouldn’t understand and why they would see this side of me as a character flaw…..it’s hard to understand something that you haven’t experienced yourself (although that’s not a reason not to try).  And while I wish that nobody ever had to notice this side of me, deep down I know that would only make things worse.

  So what do you do when you struggle with something that is so a part of you that it actually shapes the kind of person you are?! I guess, you start trying to see the good sides of it.  Instead of denying it, you learn to embrace it.  And you stop allowing the opinions of others to matter so much but instead you look to God and ask Him how to teach you to properly use this gift He’s given you! At least that’s what I think God is saying to me.  It seems that He’s trying to show me how to stop complaining about it and instead to see the purpose behind it.  And I think in the end,  that will make all the difference!