Can I get a Hug?!...

     When I am first getting to know people, one thing I am often quick to share with them right from the get-go is that I am not a hugger, in fact, I am not big on physical touch at all.   At least that's what I always tell people.  The truth is though, over recent months it has become quite obvious to me that this is, in fact, a lie.  I actually don't mind hugs and cuddles at all. In fact, I might actually even really like them.  But the thing is if you tell yourself something long enough you eventually start to believe it.  And I think that is exactly what happened when it came to me feeling like a non-hugger. 
     Now, I didn't grow up in a family that did a whole lot of hugging or cuddling.  And as a teenager, I had a few regrettable experiences with physical touch that made me less than open to the idea of anything physical.  So by the time I reached my twenties I had already determined that I did not like hugs and I did not want anyone in my personal space. While I don't think there was a definitive moment I decided to start telling people my disapproval of hugs and physical contact,  I do know that once I started telling people not to hug me, they listened....for the most part.  When I came into my late twenties and early thirties I was pretty much set in my ways.  People hadn't really hugged me all that much over the years, and I had actually grown accustomed it.  So when I started spending more of my time in Christian circles and hugs seemed to be something everyone wanted to hand out, my body revolted, often leaving me stiff as a board with others feeling like they had just hugged a tree!
     Then this past school year God felt it only natural to fill my classroom with students who like nothing more than to curl up on my lap, rub my legs and arms, or...you guess it...give me hugs.  Not only that, but my little munchkin class is constantly asking me to give them hugs, saying that my hugs are the best because I am like a big ole bear (uh, thanks....I think).  Anyway, a few months ago I was having a bit of a rough time with life.  It felt like everything was going wrong and I just wanted to give up on trying to make things work.  I remember siting in my car crying and thinking, "I just need a hug!".  Say what??!?  Since when do I want hugs?!  It was like the thought escaped before I could stop it, but once it was was out there I knew I couldn't deny the truth.  A hug was just what I needed and exactly what I wanted.  The truth was out...at least to myself.
     This past Saturday, my friend Alicia Yost's first book came out.  It's called "OnWard: A Funny, Heartbreaking and Insightful Collection of Faith Lessons"  (it's available on Amazon so check it out!) and in one of the chapters she speaks about this very topic.  My words could never do her words justice, but as I read that chapter about "Healing Hugs," I felt this tug in my heart drawing me deeper into my realization that my dislike of hugs is a figment of my imagination and should be left in the past.  Like Alicia shared about herself in her book, I also don't think my propensity to become like a stiff board when someone hugs me will disappear immediately, but I am ready to work through that.  Something tells me that there's plenty of people in my life ready and willing to help me out with some exposure therapy and since practice makes perfect, I think I am heading in the right direction!

Seeds and the Gardener...

     It's funny how certain things stick with you over the years.  For example, at the end of my first year as a missionary, our team had a retreat where a guest speaker came and talked to us for three days.  On the first night he was speaking, he shared about seeds, and how when a seed is planted it is covered with dirt, stepped on, and often forgot about for long periods.  Now, while the gardener is most likely still watering the ground the seed is in, and the sun is still offering it its rays, the seed doesn't know this.  In fact the seed often feels abandoned, alone, forgetten.  Then one day the seed starts to pop out of the earth, as it grows into whatever plant or tree it was meant to be.  It's then that the seed realizes that it was necessary for it to be in the dirt, but it was never forgotten about, and there was always a plan and a purpose for it.  His words were meant to encourage those of us who were feeling deserted and rejected by God and others.  I honestly have not thought about that sermon in years.  But then today I was sitting in church, and our pastor was talking about how in the verse Isaiah 54:3 the word used for offspring or descendants actually means seed.  All of a sudden it was like I was sitting back in Ecuador listening to that guess speaker remind me about seeds and dirt and the process of growth.

     When I think over the course of my life, there are a lot of seeds that I have tried to plant for the kingdom of God, but if I am honest, I haven't really seen much fruit.  In fact, if I was truly vulnerable, I often think of the people I have tried to invest in and walk beside for a time, and I wonder if they feel abandoned and forgotten by me.  See I am really good at dropping seeds in the ground, but not so good at being a gardener and cultivating those seeds long term.  I have allowed God to lead me into multiple and various types of ministries, but the second things have gotten too hard for me to deal with, I have abandoned ship and bolted, leaving a trail of unkept gardens behind me.

     Thankfully, God is more faithful than me, and He cares about all his children in a way that surpasses any efforts I could try to humanly conjure up.  As I sat working on my computer this afternoon, I just kept thinking about all those seeds I have left in the dirt, and then, like a salve to a burn, God reminded me of a little portion of scripture in 1 Corinthians 3, where Paul states "One plants. Another waters. But it's God who brings the increase" (verse 6).  I can worry all I want about the mistakes I have made and the lack of fruit I feel like I have produced in my life but in reality none of that matters.  At least not in the way I have been looking at it.  I am not building my own kingdom, I am planting to build the kingdom of God, and it is God who will ultimately produce the fruit.  My job is to be faithful to Him, and in doing so, I can trust that even when I feel like I've left seeds unattended and uncared for, He's the one who will ultimately bring those plants to fruition.  I may still need to repent about a few things and let go of a few others, but there is so much comfort in knowing none of those seeds I tried to plant in God's name were placed in vain.  God is faithful, and He will finish the work He began when I took steps to place those seeds in the ground.  People are never abandoned or forgotten in His eyes, and He has a purpose in everything!

Rusty, Rusty, and Florence: A Story of Blessing...

     I did not get my driver’s license until I was 24 years old.  Up until then, I had fears about other cars hitting me, or worse yet, me hitting them, so I had no desire to drive.  But, when I finally decided it was time to take my test, I passed with flying colors.  Since I started driving, I have always had a car that was handed down to me from someone in my family.  Not to say that I haven’t been grateful for that (cause, believe me, I AM!), but that has kind of always meant that the car I was driving around was on its last leg… or at least close to it. 
       My first car, which I affectionally called “Rusty” was just that…R-U-S-T-Y!  It was a little Honda Accord that got fantastic gas mileage but also had a few character flaws.  For example, I had accidentally spilled a Grande peppermint mocha all over the heating venting, so the heater and air conditioning unit didn’t work.  And then there was the little case of not having a working speedometer or odometer, so I had to prop up a GPS system in my line of vision just to know how fast I was going.  Suffice to say, that car finally died a slow and painful death, coming to the end of its life (thankfully) just as the breakdown lane appeared at the end of a local bridge.
     My next car, which I once again affectionally named, was “Rusty Number Two.”  And while Rusty 2.0 was definitely not as rusty as his namesake, he came with quirks of his own.  For instance, the gas mileage on that car was horrible and, since I happen to work very close to home, I never could tell if the heat/air I turned on actually worked since the car needed lots of time to warm up.  Towards the end of Rusty Squared’s life, he needed new brakes and new tires.  But what was his ultimate demise was a fuel pump that decided to stop working the moment after I filled him up with gas.  Oh well.
     Now to be honest, when Rusty Number Two broke down, I was frustrated.  I knew it was coming.  In fact, for months I had been saving money, but I wasn’t actually prepared to spend that money and was hoping he would hold out on me a few more months. I remember standing out in the cold at the gas station, waiting for both AAA and my father to show up and help, thinking, “Really, God?!?!  You really couldn’t have thrown me a bone here and had this car hold out until after Christmas?!?!”.
     Flash Forward to this week.  After a stressful time of figuring out new insurance, plates, registration, signing more paperwork then I knew was humanly possible, and putting down a down payment in an amount more substantial than I have ever spent in one moment, I am now the proud owner of my very own car.  This is the first car I have ever purchased, and its way fancier than anything I have ever driven before.  In fact, I kept looking at it as I walk up to it and thinking, “Holy Cow!  Is this really mine?!?!”
     It’s funny how in the matter of a couple of weeks I went from being mad at God for giving me one more thing I just didn’t think I could handle, to praising Him for blessing me with something so far beyond what I feel deserving of!  Perspective is everything, I guess!  But seriously, who knew in the midst of the pain I felt and stress I went through when my last car died, that God was going to have this beautiful thing prepared for me!  My new car, which I think I am going to name “Florence” because that just seems fancy enough to be her name, happened to show up on the car dealership lot the very day I went looking for a new car.  Not only that but she happened to be the very Make and Model I was looking for and exactly in my price range.  I don’t know why God blessed me with such a nice car, I certainly don’t deserve it, but God am I thankful!  It seems something God is showing me in all of this is that while I so often think He's not there for me when I need Him, He actually always is and He always will be right by my side working things out in ways I never could have imagined!  Thank you God for loving me so!
Jess   

Getting Real about the "V" word... and I'm not talking about virginity!

There’s a scene from last season of “This is Us” where Kevin, who has ended up in rehab, returns to his room after an intense family counseling session and his mom, Rebecca, is sitting in there waiting for him.  She tells him about this memory she has of him and his sibling’s being dropped off for their first day of kindergarten and how while his brother and sister were crying and clinging to her, Kevin just walked right into the class and never looked back.  Then she looks at him and says, “I never worried about you.  I never worried about you because I never thought I had to”.  I remember watching that scene and crying my eyes out.  Something about those words in particular so strongly stood out to me.

Now flash forward to last week in my own life, and here I am having a pretty vulnerable conversation about how while there are some issues in my life that I have been struggling with for a while now, I doubt any of my friends or family would ever say so or even think that it is true.  I am not really sure what I expected the response to be, but I certainly wasn’t expecting the person on the other end of that conversation to say something along the lines of “of course not!  Why would they?  You’ve clearly worked very hard never to give them a reason to worry about you”.  Suddenly, at that moment, Rebecca’s words to Kevin came flooding back to me, knocking the air right out of my lungs… “I never worried about you because I never thought I had to.”

It’s become increasingly clear to me over the past several months how ridiculously hard I work to portray this persona to the world that I am fine, while the whole time I am slowly dying inside.  That sounds so intense, this idea of slowly dying inside, but I think it explains it perfectly.  Somewhere along the line in life, I picked up this belief that I shouldn’t be real with people about my struggles.  And that if I were real, people would reject me.  I guess all of us believe that lie to some extent, but I recognize now that I’ve believed it so much so that I’ve insolated myself from even the possibility of letting that happen.  I don’t let people in.  I don’t let them see behind the mask.  And in the few times that I have allowed people look behind the curtain, I have immediately pushed them out, runway, or in some manner stopped connecting with them, as sort of an “I’m going to reject you before you can reject me” response. I know in some way I am doing this because I think I am protecting myself, but really all I’m actually doing is forcing people out of my life and reaffirming the false idea that if people really knew me, they would reject me.  I’m not being fair… not to myself and certainly not to others

This was all so clear to me as I sat in church this morning.  At my church we are in the midst of a sermon series on community and today’s sermon was all about vulnerability.  I can’t say that anything that was spoken today was something I hadn’t heard before.  It’s all things I know…but the visual illustration our pastor gave of a person in a straitjacket protected from the world but also unable to receive love or care or even concern, really brought the point home for me.  I need to open up.

 The thing is though, being vulnerable is not something I do well.  It’s not something I really do at all.  Yet over the past few months, weeks, and days, I have felt a sense of urgency in me like… now is time.  I can either choose to be vulnerable and walk out of the self-made prison cell I have been living in or succumb to the fact that this is just the way life is and how it will stay until I die.  I want better for myself.  I desire more from my life.  And while it’s scary to even post this, knowing I will actually see and interact with some of the people who will read it, I know it’s a step I need to take, because the truth is, I do believe it’s worth it to be vulnerable…now I just have to live it.

The Hard Work of Letting Your Guard Down...

   At the end of church today, our campus pastor said something in passing that truly grabbed my attention.  As he was closing up service and doing the altar call when he said something like, “let your guard down” …and I immediately thought, “when was the last time I actually had my guard down at church?”.  Honestly, I can’t even remember.  It seems like for years now I have been super skeptical when I walk in the church doors…skeptical of people, skeptical of sermons, skeptical of God himself.  I don’t want to be like that…I really don’t… and yet…I am…and sometimes it really sucks.  In fact, I often wonder how much I am missing out on just because I can’t seem to “let go and let god” as they say.

  I guess it all started in Ecuador.  I moved to this beautiful country to work with this beautiful people and felt like God had really led me to that place… and yet through such an experience I faced challenges that eventually lead my relationship with God and Christians in general to the breaking point.  I went from trusting God to lead me, to wondering if He was even for me... from believing that God could use my life to spread the gospel, to wondering why He even would.. and from trusting in the power of community, to experiencing the pain of having the very people you depend on flip on you and cause you to doubt if you've ever been loveable.  I basically walked into that country one person and left it a completely different person…and it has taken me years to even begin to try and put my relationships with God and others back on track.  So yeah, I have a guard up when it comes to church, and God, and the Christian community.

  So now that leads me to wondering how do I start letting that guard down, especially when so many of my interactions with the Christian community and God himself today bring up all the pain of the past several years.  Fortunately, or not I know the answer… dealing with the pain itself… but who wants to do that?!  Just kidding… Kind of.  I mean truly who wants to deal with pain?  No one.  But even though that’s true…it’s also a necessary step to healing and growth… and healing and growth is what I want.  So, even though sometimes the truth… sucks… but it’s also necessary and so now the hard work must begin.

"Own the Moment" by Carl Lentz...

  Okay Mr. Carl Lentz, I have to hand it to you… you are an amazing preacher, or in this case sharer, since you were really just sharing your heart in your book “Own the Moment”.  Now I will be honest…up until last weekend I really didn’t know much, if anything about you…and I probably wouldn’t have even picked up your book I had I not listened to a backdated convocation from Liberty University on YouTube that featured you preaching.  Honestly, I was a little skeptical of you when I found out you were associated with Hillsong.  Don’t get me wrong, I love their music, but people have told me in recent years that hillsong, bethel, and churches such as those were really just cults... wolves in sheep clothing.. and I needed to be aware.  I think I really only listened to your YouTube convocation sermon because it came from my school and… well, I figure it couldn’t be all bad if the school had let you in (which mind you, isn’t the best logic considering my school recently wouldn’t allow Shane Claiborne on campus and I have a lot of respect for that guy).  Anyway, I heard your sermon and decided to do a little research on you, only to discover you had a book… better yet, your book was/is on audible and you were the narrator (I am an audible snob and tend to listen to books only when the actual author is reading it).  Anyway, 7.25 hours later…or in my world, about a week… and I find not only do I have mad respect for you as a person…but also as a pastor.  God is using your life sir…which I am sure you don’t need some small-town girl you don’t know to tell you… and great things are gonna come from what you’ve written.

  Now for those of you reading this who haven’t read Carl Lentz’s book “own the moment”, my recommendation is to go out and get it a.s.a.p.  Not only is it full of practical advice, but there is life giving truth in each of it’s pages for both the Christian and non-Christian alike.  In the midst of him telling stories from his own life, you can find both a “I’m not alone” comfort and a kick in the pants to get over yourself that so many of us so often need.  I think for me personally, the biggest takeaway I took from the book was that people are worth investing it, whether that means other people…or even yourself.  God created every person on this earth and loves each and every one.  We all have value and if we take the time to truly see that…it will change our lives.

Honestly, peopling has never been my forte.  I have had moments of greatness when I’ve somehow figured out how to walk with my guard down long enough to make friends and influence people…but they’ve been short lived and often times have ended in me crashing and burning on the relational front.  Honestly, I’ve become so bad at friendship these past few years that a part of me has tried to act like I don’t need it, even though deep down I know connection to others is what my heart longs for.  Lentz’s book reminded me that my identity is in God and when I discover and understand that identity it frees me to open up to others and allow them to enter my heart while I enter theirs.  People become a whole lot less scary when we no longer are expecting anything from them, but rather just choose to love them because we know we are loved and we want to spread that love around.

  Another lesson I took away from this book was learning to appreciate the life that I have.  Lentz calls it having the right perspective…viewing life not as a bunch of “have to’s” but rather seeing life as a journey of “getting to”.  For me that means being thankful for the time I get to spend with my parents and recognizing how lucky I am to be able to listen to my mom tell me every detail about the tv shows she likes or the latest news on trump.  I may not be so interested in what she is saying, but I get to have these moments with her…to hear her voice and to sit next to her why she talks…so many other people don’t get to have that because either their mom has passed away or doesn’t live close by.  In that sense I am blessed and all it took was a little bit of perspective shifting to realize it and be thankful.  Of course this goes for other areas of my life as well, but this is the one that sticks out.

  There are so may other little lessons and confirmations that I got from this book as well.  Things like not letting fear hold you back and trusting god to make a way for you instead of trying to force your own way in life.  I could probably write several more post about all that I gleaned from this book, but honestly it doesn’t really help you that much to hear what the book spoke to me, instead it would be so much more valuable for you to go out and read it for yourself.  You might just be surprised to find all the ways God speaks to you through it!  So that’s my final (and I guess, first as well) thought…get this book and read it for yourself… I doubt you will regret it!

Truth and Lies...

   Do you ever feel like God is trying to teach you something... to show you a new way of life... and yet every time He does you fight against it or give up on it, so He has to keep teaching it to you again and again?  No?  It's just me then?  Huh. Well, maybe that's why this year has seemed like one big loop-de-loop around the same mountain over and over again.  In fact, it seems like all year long God has been trying to teach me the same thing, and lucky for me, God doesn't give up as easily as I do.  In fact it has become obvious He has been trying to get my attention all year in order to teach me an important lesson and to make sure I really get it.  And it seems like maybe I might finally be starting to.

  You see, at the beginning of this year I went to a prayer meeting where I honestly walked in thinking that I was going to be delivered from my deep dark struggle in a moments notice and would never have to deal with any of my junk again.  Of course, I walked out completely disappointed, because while I do believe God can work that way, He usually doesn't...and I left feeling just as bound as I felt walking into that service.  Anyway, during that meeting there was a lot of talk about strongholds in our lives and how they attach to us and take us down because we make agreements with their lies.  I remember during that meeting we were suppose to look at the lies that we had agreed with, repent of them, and then replace them with the word of God.  I on the other hand had spent the whole prayer time crying and complaining over the fact that my lies were so true and there was no way around them (of course I didn't really know I was doing that at the time).

  Then fast forward to a few weeks later.  By then I had joined and been a part of a small group of ladies who met weekly to grow together in our faith.  During those meetings we talked a lot about dealing with the junk in our lives and that the way to go about doing that was to look at our struggles, discover what lies were behind them, and then to replace those lies with the truth of God's word through prayer.  It took several weeks of me hearing this message over and over again to even begin to start buying into it and believing that maybe some of the lies I had been believing were just that...lies. 

  It was then that I started looking at some of the biggest questions I had in my life...things like why I felt abandoned by God and why it felt like I had been blackballed from the community of Christ followers.  I started to dig in and look to God for answers and for a while things started to look up.  So, being me, I did what I always tend to do when things seem to be getting better...I stopped doing the very thing that was helping turn things around.  I stopped praying, I stopped looking to scripture and evaluating my beliefs against the truth of God's word.  I didn't do it spitefully, I just took my eyes off the prize so to speak and thought..I'm cured, I don't need this anymore (a lie in and of itself).

  Well eventually our small group ended and then, before long, things started to fall apart in my mind again.  In fact, I soon found myself picking up old lies and thinking that once again they had to be true and that I had only been fooling myself to think that anything would ever really change.  I remember thinking at that time how the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results, but assuming my insane choice was believing that recognizing the lies in my life would actually change anything,  instead of seeing the insanity of believing those lies to begin with.

  But now you can fast forward to just the other week when I got reconnected with the words of Carlos Whittaker (I say reconnected cause at one point in my life I was a huge follower of his...but that's a whole other story for another day).  Anyway, I heard him preaching as part of Fresh Life Church's weekly podcast and I listened as he shared a message from parts of his new book "Kill the Spider".  After listening to the podcast, I eventually decided just to pick up the book (or in my case download it unto my audible) and can I just say that was one of the best decisions I have made in a long time.  As I listened to Carlos share his story through this book it soon became obvious to me that message he was sharing was the same one that God had been trying to speak to me all year...that to kill your spider (Carlos's words not mine), I had to come face to face with the lies I had been believing, repent of them, and replace them with God's truth.

  Now in sharing this post, I am in no way trying to say that now that I have read this book I have no more problems or junk in my life...cause that would be a lie.  In fact I think I have really only begun to scratch the surface of the amount of junk I have allowed to pile up in my heart over the last several years, but I feel like I'm finally starting to Get God's lesson...and I am truly beginning to take that hard look at my life and myself and to allow God to help me sift through what is truth and what is false in it.  In fact I feel more open to allowing God to work in me than I have in a long time and I believe God is on the verge of doing something great in my heart.  Now, I don't know how long it's going to take to clear out all the lies or where this journey might lead me, but I do know it will all be worth it and so I am willing to take on the challenge.  So would you pray for me and keep encouraging me to keep going and remind me that the truth is out there and that the truth is found in God alone!  I know this is where God wants me to head and I know this is the path to freedom in Him.  God has been speaking to me all year about this and I am finally really ready to listen and I am excited to see where this journey takes me.  Thank you God... I think I am finally starting to get it!