The Problem with Me...

  I have a problem.  Well it's not necessarily a problem, but it's a thing I do that I really need to learn to stop doing (So does that make it an addiction?!).  See the thing is I have really great friends, people I really care about and enjoy having in my life and never want to lose.  But because I like them so much and want to be BFF literally forever...there always comes a point in my relationships where I stop feeling free to be myself and say what I am really feeling.  In fact, I end up jumping on the crazy wagon and start worrying about everything I say and everything I do and how it all might be taken. And eventually this leads to the very thing I didn't want...the end of our relationship.

  I am really awkward when I first get to know people.  I am not sure that other people would really say that about me, but you guys just don't know the thoughts and feelings that go through my head and heart during our interactions.  The first time I meet someone I'm usually a ball of nerves and they usually spill out of me in random ways....I either can't stop talking or can't think of a single thing to say, I do something embarrassing (like walk into something, have food in my teeth or have my fly down) or I don't do a single thing and just sit like a lump because I'm afraid of embarrassing myself, Or I am overly-extroverted to the point that I can be completely annoying or I sit alone and play with the cat/dog/children ignoring the person I am hanging out with.

  Crazy enough, people still want to hang out with me and we some how form these great relationships and I discover how awesome they really are.  And then that's when we get to the problem.  I think the reality is, that I fear being rejected by the people I care most about, and so there's usually one small little tiny thing that almost nobody else would notice that happens, that I take personally or I am a little too sensitive too and all of a sudden I start worrying about our friendship and if such and such person really likes me.  From there I start holding back parts of myself that I am unsure the other person actually likes.  Then I start feeling like I can't really be myself around them, so I pull back and pull away...and become the very thing I dislike seeing in other people...total DRAMA.  And that's when everything falls apart.

  So I guess what I need to learn to do is fight the lies of those igniting moments.  When I am being overly sensitive and take something personal, I really need to evaluate if what I am feeling really is truly what's going on or if it's something I've made up in my imaginative little brain (cause let me tell you the things I can come up with can be pretty off the wall).  The Bible says that when you know the truth, the truth will set you free.  So if I face down the lies that tell me this person doesn't really like me and never has, or that who I really am isn't good enough for so-and-so, then maybe I will find real freedom and this problem will stop.  If anything, at least for now I can acknowledge there is a problem and as the recovery programs all say, "admittance is the first step to recovery"!

Growth in Everything...

  The other day I was helping out at a ministry and one of the other volunteers said something to me that intentionally or not, made me feel like she was trying to be the boss of me (even though we both were just there to help out).  I tried to just let it pass and not be offended (cause I'm trying to work on that), but for the rest of the afternoon every time I went to do anything with the group, I felt like her eyes were watching me and judging me.  It was so uncomfortable and I honestly couldn't wait to leave the situation.  In fact it kind of ruined the afternoon for me.

  The thing is, I don't think this person was trying to be bossy or rude.  In fact I think she just had an idea in her head about how things should be done and I wasn't fitting into the picture, so she felt the need to say something.  Has much as I didn't enjoy the "something" she had to say, I can totally understand where it came from.  As humans I think we all like to have things go "according to our plans".  We get an idea in our head  and that's what we expect, and when other people don't live up to our expectations, we feel the need to correct them or control them into doing so.  As much as I see this in the attitude of this specific person, I also see that in myself.  I mean even in this situation, I was uncomfortable (and in all honesty, a bit offended) because I had my own idea and expectations of how things were suppose to go and she wasn't living out what I wanted.

  And that's the thing, I think it's so easy to go thru life and point out the faults and lacks in other people that bring up annoyances in us.  However, to look at our own selves, to evaluate what's really going on in us and consider what's really making us respond in the way we are, is much harder.  I was annoyed and offended and wanted to high tail it out of there, because my expectations weren't being meant...and my expectations were that I would be respected and treated as equals with my peers.  While I'm not trying to say it's wrong to expect people to treat me as such, I think there is a deeper root problem here that makes me upset and frustrated when I don't receive that kind of response.

  The things is, how I respond to others should never be based on how they have treated me.  I shouldn't be looking for them to fill some void in me with their respect and care.  I should already have all the respect and care I need in Christ, because of the crazy amount of love He's already poured into me.  If I really take the time to realized how loved, how cared for I am by Him, then it frees me up to stop expecting other people to give it to me.  If I am full of Christ, then I don't need you or anyone else to pour into me....in fact, while I can be grateful for whatever blessings and lessons others bring into my life, I can also be grateful for people just being who they are, even if they seem to be doing nothing for me (cause let's be real, at times we all think about what we are "getting" out of our relationships).

  So I guess in a way I can rejoice in what happened the other day with this person, not because it felt good or because I enjoy feeling so awkward, but because this was an opportunity for me to grow....to look at myself and evaluate what's really going on in me and to allow God to speak to those parts of me that still need to be changed.  I never want to stop learning or growing in Him, and they way I see it, the other day gave me the chance to do just that.  For that I can't complain.

Treasures in the Mountains...

  This morning I was sitting on the bus riding back from Saraguro to Cuenca, thinking about how much things have changed this year and how different  than I expected it has all turned out.  Now obviously there are some things I look at and think, "Well that sucked!"; Things that have been hard or painful or challenging this year.  But then there are other things I've experienced, things I look at and think, "Wow, when did I get so lucky to be able to have this"!  One of those such things is a friendship with a beautiful Ecuadorian Family!

  I am so blessed by this family and it was totally a God thing how our friendship came about!  I remember sitting on the porch skyping with one of my friends back home, the moment S. arrived at our "then" house for the first time.  I was so nervous to meet her, mostly because she didn't know more than a few words of English and I was just starting to learn Spanish.  Plus she is quite a bit younger than me and I thought there wouldn't be much for us to talk about even if we could cross that language barrier!  Boy was I wrong!  Over the next 9 weeks we spent so much time hanging out, talking and laughing together!  I learned so much from her and hopefully she did from me too!

  Flash forward about 4 months and there I found myself moving to a small little village in a community I didn't know all that much about, but there in the midst of it was S.  excitedly welcoming me to her home community, showing me around, helping me get settled.  Everything I needed, from translation to company, S. was there to help me with...and so was her family.  I quickly fell in love with her adorable mom R. and amazingly responsible sister L..  In fact, I spent so much time sitting outside with them at their tortilla stand, that before I knew it, I was actually speaking fluent Spanish (and they had picked up a bit of English!).

  When I came back from a Christmas visit home,  I was sad to find out that S. was moving.  Of course I wanted her to stay and hang out with me forever, but I also understood her need to spread her wings and discover the world for herself.  So I prayed for her and said "See you later" and trusted that even over distance our friendship would continue.  It did...thankfully!  And my relationship with L. also got the opportunity to blossom during this time!  Now not only was I S.'s friend, but L. and I were real friends too!

  Since the start of this year, I have continued to grow fonder and fonder or both these girls and their mom!  They are like second family to me, in a country where so many people around me view me as an outsider, they have taken me in!  Not only have I been able to minister to them and be there for them, but they have most certainly done the same for me!  And as I start preparing my heart to head back to the States in a few months, I know that one of the greatest treasures God has given me on this missions field is their friendship!  If I could think of no other good thing that came out of my time here in Ecuador (which of course I can think of more than one!), this would be that thing!  Real friendship is such a hard thing to find... I am blessed to have found it here, high up in the Andes Mountains, right smack dab in the middle of nowhere!  For that I feel like the luckiest girl alive!

Human Nature and Learning to Walk in the Spirit...

  By nature I am a perfectionist.  I actually have to try really hard not to beat myself up when things don't turn out how I expected or want (which is pretty much all the time).  I also have to constantly remind myself that if I did the best I could, that's all I can do and that has to be good enough...for everyone, including myself.

  Now I certainly realize that having a perfectionist nature also lends to me being pretty controlling.  I don't want to be a controlling person, but I also want things to go right. So, I tend to act out of that need to control believing that only then will things not fall apart (which the often still do).

  I am really trying to work on this.  To learn to surrender to God and allow Him to have control.  To do my best and then leave the rest in His hands trusting that He can handle the outcome and give me the grace to get through it as well.  It's been kind of a learning process for me.

  However, in the midst of truly learning how to "let go and let God", I've realized something else about myself.... I also tend to take on responsibility that is not mine to carry.  Now, while in some ways that totally points to me taking on other peoples work, I am actually talking more so about the pressure I put on myself concerning situations that really aren't mine to take control of (or at least it's not all my responsibility).

  For example, this past weekend I went for the first time to volunteer at this program that I knew nothing about.  There ended up being a lot of volunteers in one section so a few of us volunteered to help out in a different section.  Now remember, I had never been there before, had no idea how things normally go, and had no plans other than to do what I was told.  Yet there I was doing my part, but noticing that nobody was really in charge and things were not going well, and I couldn't help but feel like I was responsible and I was failing at this.

  Or here's another example, the other night some new friends of our invited me and my housemate over for dinner.  It was a great time and I truly enjoyed myself, but I had to constantly remind myself that I was not the only one responsible for how the night went.  It wasn't my house, therefore I wasn't hosting, and I clearly wasn't the only person there, so there was no need to feel pressure to make sure everyone else felt comfortable and were enjoying themselves.

  It all sounds so self-centered, like obviously I think the world revolves around me and thus I need to make sure I take care of it all.  And maybe it is... I would be the first to admit that I can be awfully self-centered on a daily basis.  But this isn't the life I want to live.... there's no freedom in that.

  I know that true life is found in Jesus Christ.  In surrendering all to Him, following His lead and trusting Him with the results.  I see the reality of the freedom we have in Christ when  we walk in His Spirit.  I know that in Him is found abundant life.  So why can't I seem to just let go...to let God take over and to find refuge in Him?  What am I so afraid of?  Where does this lack of trust come from?  Anyone else ever been here?!?!

Just a Thought...

    So for the past two weeks I have been attending a women’s bible study on Tuesday mornings.  This has been such a blessing to me as I have longed for fellowship and community for so much of this year.  Anyway, as I sit in these weekly meetings I tend to make notes for myself on my phone of little things that stick out to me or questions that arise in me from our group discussions.  I guess I should, in ­­reality, be sharing some of these thoughts and ideas with the group (and some I do!), but one benefit of writing them down for myself, is that it gives me time to really think and process what I really feel before saying something in response that I don’t really agree with (which sometimes happens still).  This morning, towards the end of my personal notes, I wrote a question….” What is more important, being loving or being right?  And is there ever a time when it’s most loving to prove a point?”. 
  Personally, I like to be right (in fact there is a running joke in my family that my 3 favorite words are “You Are Right”), but I honestly cannot bring myself to the place of believing that pointing out a Bible verse that contradicts someone else’s lifestyle or intellectually pointing out the flaws in someone else’s beliefs, will ever lead that person into a relationship with Jesus Christ.  I don’t think people can be “won” into the kingdom based on our good arguments or personal perspectives.  In fact, I don’t even believe that it’s even US who can “save” anyone (that’s God’s job).  That’s not to say that there’s never a time to speak up or to speak into someone’s life…. But rather, I think it’s important that as we do, that we are sure that we are speaking out of a place of love…as opposed to obligation, guilt, or even a need to be right.
  Which brings me back to that question I wrote in my notes….what is the loving thing to do?  My immediate response is that it’s always better to be loving than to be right, as love conquers all and in fact God is love.  But that doesn’t really address the question of what is more loving? Is it more loving to speak the truth to prove the “Christian” point, or is more loving to keep our mouth shuts and let our lives lead others to their own conclusions? And I guess the best response I can come up with is this… it depends on the leading of the Holy Spirit.
  Often times I think I know what’s best and I think that it’s my obligation to make sure I share that opinion.  But the reality is I don’t really know anything in and of myself…. I am completely dependent on God for all truth and all reality.  Thus it would only make sense that God, who actually does know everything (including the in’s and out’s of how we all individually operate, think and feel), would also know the best way to respond in any given situation.  Therefore, the logical conclusion, would be for me to allow Him to take the lead and thus follow Him (Hum.  It seems like Jesus said something like that in the Bible at least a few times).
  So I guess the better question I should be asking is not, “What is the most loving thing to do?” but rather , “What is God saying?”.  Maybe if we spent more time snuggling up to the heart of Jesus and following His heart beat, instead of trying to get people to believe what we do, we would actually see "His Kingdom come and His Will be done, on earth as it is in heaven"!.  Just a thought...

Who Are We Really Believing In?!?!...

  There's an old Saturday Night Live Skit (SNL) where the character Stuart Smalley, played by Al Franken, would talk to himself in the mirror and say, "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. And doggone it, people like me."  Now to be honest, I've never actually watched a full episode of SNL, but I've seen plenty of snippets on YouTube of some of their funniest bits, and this is one that recently started popping back up in my mind.  I guess it's because lately it seems like several people in my sphere of life have been talking a lot about, what I will term, the power of positive thinking....Basically telling themselves if they believe something hard enough, it will actually be true...and I can't help but picture Stuart sitting in front of the mirror, trying to self-motivate himself, before stepping out into the big bad world!

  Now don't get me wrong, I do not think that all self-talk is silly.  In fact I have gotten through some really hard time in my life by reminding myself of the truths I know about God and who I am in Him.   But it's truly hard for me to believe that just because I say, "I am healed in Jesus' name", that it means that I will no longer have cancer or depression or any thing else for that matter (or if I claim I have something, that I automatically will).  I'm not saying that God can't heal you by the power of His name.  I'm not saying that we shouldn't confess things like "By His stripes we are healed".  I'm just saying, that for me, thinking that just because I claim something...just because I say it out loud...that it automatically makes that thing happen, is a little hard for me to swallow.

  And maybe I feel this way because 6 years ago we lost my brother-in-law to cancer.  People who tell me, "You  just have to believe and not doubt and God will do whatever you confess to be true", feel like they are basically saying, "if you...your sister, your family, your friends.... had just believed more fully, your brother and law wouldn't have died"!  I don't believe that's true for one second!  Do I believe God could have healed by brother-in-law?  Yes I do!  God chose to heal Him in heaven instead of on earth, but I still have no doubts God could have done it the other way around!  Saying that if we had just claimed the healing power of God and truly believed it would happen here on earth, then things would have turned out differently, to me is basically saying that we in a sense could have been like God...and isn't that one of the lies the devil used to convince Eve to commit the first ever sin ("If you eat this fruit, you will be like God!").  To think that we could be like God, or even  determine what He will do, turns God into something like a genie in a bottle that if we rub the right way will give us everything we want!  I don't buy it!

  Maybe I am wrong, I don't claim to have the market on truth and I certainly still have a lot of growing to do, but I think rather than trying to live our lives out of some place that says, if I just think correctly my life will be wonderful, we should rather focus on who God is and what He can do....and instead of trying to build ourselves up or rely on our own abilities, we should turn to God and trust Him!  If God is really all He says He is, then He knows our weakness, and He also knows exactly what we need (even more than we really know what we need) and He's big enough to take care of us.  So wouldn't He be the perfect person to trust?!  I think it's when we actually put our trust in Him, allowing God to be God...the all powerful, omnipotent one... instead of trying to make ourselves the one whose in control by trying to have enough faith or claiming what should be, then it doesn't matter what happens in our lives, we will be content and find the true, abundance of the kingdom that the Bible speaks of.  I don't think the Christian faith has ever been about how good we are, how much faith we have, or how "put together" we can make things.  Instead it's always been about a perfect God who came and did for us, what we could never do for ourselves.  Why are we trying to change things now?!?! 

No Firmer Foundation...

  It's September 1st!  A new Month, yeay!!!  Which also brings me to a new "stage", if you will, in my ministry here in Ecuador!  For the next month I will be traveling back and forth, spending a few days in Saraguro and a few days in Cuenca...but ministering in both places!  And I am so ready and  excited for this change!!!

  I feel like this has been a very challenging year and I've been beaten up and beaten down to the point that I've wanted to give up multiple times...and yet I've held on and persevered and now God is releasing me into something more "refreshing" (for lack of a better word)!  It's like I've lived in the desert for most of this year....learning and growing, but definitely still feeling like I was drying up... and God has not only led me to an oasis, but He's also shown me where exactly the source is!  I feel like all those truths about God and His faithfulness that I have held unto all year (even when it's been oh so hard) are becoming clear once again!  And all I can do is rejoice!

  There's something about the dark places...about the valleys in life... that show you not only how strong you really are, but also exactly how strong our God is!  For so much of my life God was this distant fellow who cared about me, but only "interfered" when I desperately needed help or was in danger of jumping off the rails!  Theses past two years, He's shown me just how intimately involved He is and He wants to be in our lives.  And in this year in particular, He's proven that He sticks closer than a brother (that's so one of those verses I've heard all my life and yet only now truly understand it in the depths of my soul)!

  There was a time this year, just a few months ago actually, where I felt abandoned by EVERYONE and I mean E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E!  And it wasn't that people particularly wrote me off or turned their backs on me, but everyone was busy with their own lives and issues and so there I sat, alone...with no where to turn...and feeling like even those who could find time to reach out, just weren't really understanding me.  So I would sit on my bed and journal and cry out to God, because He really was the only one I felt like I could turn to and find comfort in.  And what I found was that He is enough...at least for me...He is enough.

  Now I'm not saying I'm perfect or unhuman and I no longer need friends or people who just get me, or that I no longer find myself seeking acceptance and approval.  Cause the truth is, I think those are things I will probably struggle with for the rest of my life.  However, I've learned that the firmest foundation I will ever need is Jesus Christ and He is the solid rock on which I stand!  Amen!

Struck Down, but Definately Not Destroyed...

  Today I have been hustling....like really hustling....like emailing and responding to more emails than I probably have since I first applied to be a missionary.  I feel accomplished!  And yet with every two steps forward, there seems to be one step back, for every "yes, I'll support you", there seems to be another, "No, I'm not too sure about this", and for every open door, there seems to be another one closing.  But I won't be diswayed because the truth is, nothing good in life ever comes without you putting in the work.  Plus if I gave up every time things didn't go my way...well then I might as well never get out of bed in the morning!

  I have to admit though that yesterday I was humming a different tune.  I woke up super excited to reach out to a few people about starting a sidewalk Sunday school program, and when those connections fell apart, I honestly felt like I had run head first into a wall and just wanted to lay on the floor wallowing in my concussion.  I just felt like I wasn't getting anywhere and that if this was really a God thing I shouldn't have to work so hard (HA! That's funny!).  So I complained and got all depressed and then I did what any self-respecting (or maybe God honoring) Christian would do...I prayed.  If there's anything about my relationship with God that I can be proud of, it's how honest I feel like I can be with Him.  And so, I laid in my bed last night and poured out my frustrations and misunderstandings and wonderings to God.  Then I gave it all to Him and went to bed.

  Like I said, today, I've been hustling....I woke up with a completely different attitude and all these ideas to try to get the ball rolling again. I contacted so many people today to try and get more information about starting a ministry like this and how different organizations run their programs.  And the truth is, it's not like the floodgates of heaven have flown open and I've been showered with opportunity today.  But I have made a few connections...and more importantly I found HOPE.

   I don't know how all of this is going to work out... or even if it will.  It's just a dream God gave me long ago that He's put back on my heart and told me to step into.  So I am....one step at a time.  Who knows where this will lead... I've learned not to hold on to tightly to my ideas anyway.  I am just glad to see that even when the going gets "tough"  God still nudges me to keep going....and that's exactly what I am going to do!  Pray for me!

Living on a Firm Foundation

 For the past several days now, I have been working my way through the first several chapters of the book of John. I know the Bible is the story of God and the Gospels are really the story of Jesus, but personally I have been so encouraged and challenged by the life of John the Baptist that I just can't seem to let it go. 

  Here's a guy who lives out in the desert, doesn't seem to have much of a fashion sense, and who must have been pretty controversial considering he had his own disciples but clearly didn't live by the social norms of the society, yet none of this and nobody seemed to affect him. John the Baptist knew who He was and who he wasn't. And he didn't try to be something more than he was. He was satisfied and content with his place in the world, and nothing could shake him.

  In the 1st chapter of John, John clearly states that he is not the messiah, that he is just there to prepare the way for the messiah.  He even goes as far as to point out exactly who the messiah is. Then in chapter three when his disciples get all grumpy cause more people are following after Jesus instead of John and them, John's like, "look guys, I told you, I am not the messiah....He is. I must become less, He must be greater"! That is amazing to me!

  We live in a world where everyone is always trying to stake their claim in the fame game. Everything is a popularity contest and the outcome of such things apparently points in some way to your self-worth (at least we act like it does)! But what if we all decided to stop playing along? What if instead we all just walked out in the confidence of who we are and what we are called to do?  I bet there would be a lot less fighting and whole bunch more encouraging that went on in our worlds!

  Of course to get there, we all have to start from the place of knowing who we are...and that's a huge issue in our society.  It seems like nobody really knows who they are anymore....either that or nobody is really ready to accept themselves for that person.  Why is that?  Why can't we just be happy and content and confident, like the John the Baptist was?

  I think it has to do with where the source of our identity comes from.  In fact I think majority of the world is unsure about who they are because we're all looking to other people to tell us...and well, people's opinions change daily.  I've been talking about it over and over again this month....probably cause I need to keep hearing this over and over again...but it's only when our identity is found in Jesus Christ (And in God the Father), can we really begin to live in the freedom and confidence that John the Baptist did!  When we are firmly planted in who we are in Him, it no longer matters what other people say or what other people think.  We know who we are, we know what we are called to do and nothing can shake us!  That's where I want to live! Don't you?!

Some Personal Inventory....

  This has been a pretty, shall we say, interesting year.  In particular the past few months have been...well... pretty darn hard.  But, the other day, I began to see a light at the end of the tunnel again!  I was sitting with my teammates during our team worship time and basically lamenting my true feelings about all that's gone down these past few months to God, and it's like God was right there next to me responding in the most reassuring kind of way that "What the enemy meant for evil, He will use for good"!  There's so much comfort in that!

  To be brutally honest, the last few months I have felt like I was being broken down...little by little...every single day.  Then I planned to receive all sorts of refreshing and built-back-up-ness from my friends when they came to work with my team, but ended that week not feeling stronger, just worse about myself.  During my vacation I spent a lot of time journaling and asking God "WHY?" about so many things.  Yet it felt like no answers were in sight.

  Yet, today I can sit here and say, even though I still don't know the answers to my questions, I do know that it's only in being broken that you can be built back up, stronger than before.  It's only when everything is stripped away that you realize what you really need to begin with.  And it's when you hit rock bottom that you discover there's no depth you can reach where God cannot and will not find you!

  I guess in a way I feel freer....I feel like the enemy took his best shot and tried to knock me out, but God picked me back up and is dusting me off so that we can continue on this journey together.  I guess if anything I've learned the past few months it's that God really is that friend that sticks closer than a brother and that there's no better friend/father/lord to have!  So even though it's been hard, I'm still so blessed!  His love truly never fails, never gives up and never runs dry!  Amen.