I have a problem. Well it's not necessarily a problem, but it's a thing I do that I really need to learn to stop doing (So does that make it an addiction?!). See the thing is I have really great friends, people I really care about and enjoy having in my life and never want to lose. But because I like them so much and want to be BFF literally forever...there always comes a point in my relationships where I stop feeling free to be myself and say what I am really feeling. In fact, I end up jumping on the crazy wagon and start worrying about everything I say and everything I do and how it all might be taken. And eventually this leads to the very thing I didn't want...the end of our relationship.
I am really awkward when I first get to know people. I am not sure that other people would really say that about me, but you guys just don't know the thoughts and feelings that go through my head and heart during our interactions. The first time I meet someone I'm usually a ball of nerves and they usually spill out of me in random ways....I either can't stop talking or can't think of a single thing to say, I do something embarrassing (like walk into something, have food in my teeth or have my fly down) or I don't do a single thing and just sit like a lump because I'm afraid of embarrassing myself, Or I am overly-extroverted to the point that I can be completely annoying or I sit alone and play with the cat/dog/children ignoring the person I am hanging out with.
Crazy enough, people still want to hang out with me and we some how form these great relationships and I discover how awesome they really are. And then that's when we get to the problem. I think the reality is, that I fear being rejected by the people I care most about, and so there's usually one small little tiny thing that almost nobody else would notice that happens, that I take personally or I am a little too sensitive too and all of a sudden I start worrying about our friendship and if such and such person really likes me. From there I start holding back parts of myself that I am unsure the other person actually likes. Then I start feeling like I can't really be myself around them, so I pull back and pull away...and become the very thing I dislike seeing in other people...total DRAMA. And that's when everything falls apart.
So I guess what I need to learn to do is fight the lies of those igniting moments. When I am being overly sensitive and take something personal, I really need to evaluate if what I am feeling really is truly what's going on or if it's something I've made up in my imaginative little brain (cause let me tell you the things I can come up with can be pretty off the wall). The Bible says that when you know the truth, the truth will set you free. So if I face down the lies that tell me this person doesn't really like me and never has, or that who I really am isn't good enough for so-and-so, then maybe I will find real freedom and this problem will stop. If anything, at least for now I can acknowledge there is a problem and as the recovery programs all say, "admittance is the first step to recovery"!
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