Find me in the River....

  There's this story in the Bible where one of the religious leaders of the time asks Jesus what the greatest commandment is.  He was trying to trip Jesus up, but Jesus responds to him, none the less, and says, "You must love the Lord your God with all you heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength.  And the second is just like it.  You should love your neighbor as yourself.  No other commandment is greater than these".  In one statement, Jesus takes all the religious rules and regulations of the time and boils them down to one word... LOVE!  That's what He asks of us, that it what He requires of us, and that is what He constantly shows us!  So why is it so hard to do it?!?!

  When I think about my own life and the attitudes and actions I have carried out in the past week alone, I have to admit that while I want to be a loving person, while I want to love God with everything I have and love others the way I know Jesus would want me to....I'm honestly not that good at it.  I try....I do.  And sometimes I get it right.  But more times than not, I get so wrapped up in myself that I forget that I am not the center of the universe and before I know it I am exuding selfishness and self-centeredness and everything that is the complete opposite of love.

  And don't get me wrong, I know the very ability to love others come from a place of knowing you are loved, and that when we understand how truly loved by God we are...and how freely and unprovoked, He shows us His love....then the gratitude of it all gives you the ability, the inspiration, the desire even, to love others.  And yet, sometimes...over and over again...I forget the magnitude of the Love of God...and everything else just goes to shambles.

  Why does that happen?!  How is it possible to forget the fullness of the love of the very one who gave his life for us?!?!  How does the love of God become something that we know in our heads, but don't allow to really impact our hearts?!?!  And I know I am probably just thinking about myself here, cause nobody else who calls themselves a Christian ever struggles to keep God on the throne and ourselves bowed before him (I'm being sarcastic).  But when it happens what do we do?!

  Well for me,  I'm starting to relate to God in a whole new way.... a way that is completely open and transparent and says, "I know I don't have my act together, but I also know you love me"...and thus I find in those times when I've fallen again in my own pile of poop (metaphorically of course), that instead of running away, I need to run straight into the arms of my father.God who is holding out His arms to me.  I need to run to Him to remind me again of His grace and His mercy and His love.  I need to let myself sit there in his presence and just soak in the reality of a God who is not just some "big guy in the sky", but whose a Daddy, who loves to be with His children. 

  It's in the presence of God that I am reminded of who He is and who I am.  It's in the presence of God that I feel loved and accepted and know my place in the world.  It's in the presence of God that I understand once again His great love for me, and the weight of this love transforms my heart. I don't want to come off sounding religious and like I'm just saying the words I think you need to hear.  I'm speaking the truth from my heart....from my life...this is real. 

  And that's the thing about God's love....it's bigger and more real than we could ever imagine.  It's a river that when we get caught up in it, we lose all control and find a new way to live that's not about us, but rather the current of the water.  And it's in that flow, when we stop trying to swim against the stream and we learn to just rest in the waves, that life becomes what it's suppose to be.  We stop striving, we stop trying to make it on our own, and we just surrender.....and the love of God washes over us, it fills us up and it begins to pour out of us into the world.

  So,  I don't know what the next week holds, what the next months or even the rest of the year has in store for me....but If you need me, as Kent Henry sings, you can "Find me in the River"...I hope you'll join in to...I think that's where true life begins and real love flows.  Amen.

Looking for the Blessing in the Flaw...

   I’ve always been a Highly Sensitive Person, and while it makes me unique (as only about 20% of the population is as such), I’ve often struggled with the implications of it in my life.  Growing up my sisters (and sometimes my parents) would get annoyed because of how hurt I would get by what they saw as “the simplest things”. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been made to feel even worse about myself by people who tell me I just need to “toughen up” of “Have thicker skin”.  And while I’ve become quite good at acting the part and pretending to be unaffected by things as I’ve grown older, sometimes my heart just wants to bust from all the stuff I end up having to hold inside.  The thing is though that  even though the world (in general) doesn’t seem to appreciate this specific characteristic, I think it’s something that God does appreciate….and it’s something He puts in some of us because He can use it.

   I’ll be honest, one of my least favorite things to be described as is “sweet” (I’m NOT candy!), but I think the reason most people tend to call me that is because they sense the part of me that can really empathize with them and what they are feeling.  In fact I was reminded just the other day, when someone was sharing a bit of their life story with me, just how easy it is for me to literally take on the pain of others.  It’s not even something I really need to think about; I just instinctively pick up on the emotions of others and before I know it, I am feeling how they feel (which is why I can walk in a room completely happy and then sense the stress or depression or struggle of someone else in it and all of a sudden start feeling less okay…. It’s also why I get overwhelmed by large groups and parties; there’s just too much emotion in on place and there is only so much I can take it before it takes me over).

  The thing is, while I’m starting to see how God can use this to help me connect better with people and minister more effectively (I can’t tell you the amount of times people just open themselves up to me even though they don’t even really know me), I definitely still struggle with it.  I get why the world wouldn’t understand and why they would see this side of me as a character flaw…..it’s hard to understand something that you haven’t experienced yourself (although that’s not a reason not to try).  And while I wish that nobody ever had to notice this side of me, deep down I know that would only make things worse.

  So what do you do when you struggle with something that is so a part of you that it actually shapes the kind of person you are?! I guess, you start trying to see the good sides of it.  Instead of denying it, you learn to embrace it.  And you stop allowing the opinions of others to matter so much but instead you look to God and ask Him how to teach you to properly use this gift He’s given you! At least that’s what I think God is saying to me.  It seems that He’s trying to show me how to stop complaining about it and instead to see the purpose behind it.  And I think in the end,  that will make all the difference!

We is the Church...Insights from reading, "Searching for Sunday"...

  I remember when I was in high school, there was a woman who started attending the church I was a part of, who rumor had it, had formally been a prostitute.  When I was informed about this detail, about a women who in no real form or fashion I actually knew, it was said in such a way as to warn me to stay far, far, away from her...that she was bad news and if I wanted to stay on the Christian straight and narrow I needed to keep my distance from her.

  Fast forward several years later, but still in the same church, and I remember inviting a friend to come to church with me, who upon arrival felt so outcasted by others because of her blue hair and propensity to want to smoke, that I soon found, within a few weeks of trying to force herself into the Christian mold, she decided to run in the completely opposite direction and  stay as far away from that building as possible from there on out!

  Then jump ahead to several years ago, when I started working at a new job and met one of the nicest, funniest, most intelligent people I have ever known.  He was/is by far one of the most down to earth and accepting people I have ever met and oozes love more than any Christian I've known,  either in or outside of the church walls, in most of my life!  Yet, he would never call himself a Christian and he tries to keep his distance from the likes of "us" because of all the gay bashing, criticism and judgementalness he has to deal with in order just to live his life.

  I could go on, naming more and more stories of people or situations like these....moments in my life where I've been left to wonder, "Is this really what it means to be Christian?!  Is this the kind of Church Jesus died for?!".  And  I would be the very first to admit that I don't have perfect theology, but it's strange to me to think that a God who taught "love one another" would condone a Church body that so often is more concerned that people "get it right", than about showing them to Jesus.

  I guess that's why I like authors like Rachel Held Evans so much.  Reading her works makes me feel less alone in this Christian life, like someone else gets it, someone else understands, and that maybe I'm not the only one who thinks that maybe we're missing what the point really is!  So of course, I just had to get my hands on a copy of her newest book "Searching for Sunday" and honesty, I was in no way disappointed in reading it!

  This new book is about the Church, or more specifically the authors roller coaster relationship with the Church  (loving, leaving and finding the church, is the books tag line after all).  But honestly, I think her story could be any one of our stories.  I know for me, as someone who grew up in the church, then left for a bit, only to come back and now has to deal with the struggles of being part of this community, I could relate to so much of what she said and what she had gone through.

    I guess one of the best reminders she shares in her story is that "what makes the gospel offensive isn't who it keeps out, but who it let's in" and that "The Kingdom of God is like a bunch of outcasts and oddballs gathered at a table, not because they are rich or worthy or good, but because they are hungry, because they said yes...and there's always room for more"!

  In the chapter on "Dirty Laundry", Rachel quotes Walter Brueggenmann who says, "Churches should be the most honest places in town, not the happiest place in town".  And she follows it up by stating that the Church should function much like "a recovery group, a safe place where a bunch of struggling, imperfect people come together to speak difficult truths to one another.  Sometimes the truth is we have sinned as individuals.  Sometimes the truth is we have sinned corporately, as a people.  Sometimes the truth is we're hurting because of another person's sin or as a result of forces beyond our control.  (And) sometimes the truth is we're just hurting, and we're not even sure why".

  That's what I long for...a church that real about who we are as individuals and a body....a church that doesn't keep the "sinners" out, because we recognize we are all sinners....and a church that isn't afraid to have those tough discussions about life, love and taking up our cross.  Yet, I  also know that this kind of church is messy....maybe even more messy then then current church!....and I am not all that sure that humanly speaking, I am ready for that.... I'm not even  sure I am ready to claim my part in the current mess!

  So for now, I guess what's best is just that I remember that I am not alone and that in terms of the Body, "all we have are imperfect people in an imperfect world doing their best to produce outward signs of inward grace and stumbling all along the way.  All we have is this church...this lousy, screwed-up, glorious church...which, by God's grace, is enough"!

 

 

Sometimes We All Just Need to Snap Out of It...

  The past few weeks have been emotionally hard for me.  I've missed my family and friends back home (like crazy much!), I've felt like a 3rd wheel on my own team and I've beat myself up time and time again for either  expecting too much out of people, being too sensitive or judging others based on how I think they should live out their Christian life.  It had been a whirlwind of emotion with not much relief and I was starting to think that this hole I had some how fallen into, didn't come with an escape route, but I was wrong (thankfully!).

  God always has this wonderful way of bringing me back to the truth...sometimes in flashy ways and sometimes with a hit to the back!  And that's exactly what happened the other day.  There I was, struggling once again, but trying to muster my way through it (cause that's what good Christians are suppose to do right?!  NOT!), and then my teammate accidently hit me with the door to the truck of the car.  As the pain literally went screaming down my back and not a single person seemed all that concerned with the fact that I was actually hurt, it's like God opened my eyes and reminded me of something so vitally important to this life....and that is that God should always have the most power in my life and allowing others to stand in the place of God for me, is only going to cause pain!

  So that night I went home and I repented and I asked God to come and take His rightful place again in my life, cleansing me from both my wrongs and the wrongs of others.  And you know what happened?!?!  All of a sudden I felt free again; lighter and like nobody could hold me back!  I realized once again, in that moment,  who God says I am, and that when I stop allowing how other people seem to be treating me, speak louder than His voice of truth, I have nothing to fear and nothing to hold me back.  I woke up the next day feeling like myself again...and it's been GLORIOUS!

  Another thing that God reminded me of though, is that no matter how others act, no matter what they do or don't do, no matter if they walk out their humanity as I would or not....I'm still called to love them and respect them and treat them as brothers and sisters or even friends.  I guess this isn't really a lesson I had forgotten.  Part of my grand ability to beat myself up for not being perfect comes from knowing that in the Kingdom of God, we're not suppose to treat others as their sins (or perceived sins) deserve.  But can I just be honest here?!  Sometimes, this is down right hard work and it doesn't come with ease and it's not comfortable.  So I needed that reminder and the reminder that when Christ is first in my life, He fills me to be able to do those tough things (although it would be totally sweet if being God, he could make the hard stuff easier!).

  Anyway, I guess I share that not to say "look at me!  I'm so spiritual!  I can go through hard times and find the God in all of it!" but  rather to admit that, yes I am a Christian, yes I love God with all my heart and want to seek and honor Him in all I do, BUT I'm also human and life isn't always easy, I don't always respond the right way and sometimes even I need a wake up call or something to snap me out of it!

 

 

Back to the Beginning...

  Incase you haven't noticed, I've been kind of on a blogging hiatus for a bit.  In some ways it hasn't been all the intentional, considering I've actually been pretty busy.  However, in other ways, it's been a pretty conscious decision. 

  One thing I didn't want when I took up blogging again, was for me to start writing for other people.  While I often share my blog postings on my Facebook and twitter page, I didn't want to fall back into the trap of censoring what I was saying or how I was wording things in order to please other people.  I wanted to be real and authentic and to not hold back just because I was worried about what other people would think.  Well...basically..those are exactly the type of things that started happening, so I took some time away. 

  The truth is I've never posted anything here that I didn't mean, although I definitely worded things a little more carefully then I would have liked to.  However, I can't tell you the amount of times I written something and then deleted it cause I felt like, if I posted it  others wouldn't understand or  someone might take offense or raise an objection or be concerned.  And while there's been times that I've still gone ahead and posted those things (without really "advertising" those particular postings), I've more often than not chipped away parts of my real self in order to present an online personality that is more....shall we say agreeable.

  I'm done with that.  There's no point of having a blog if it's not going to be real....if I have to fake who I am or how I'm feeling just so I don't lose readers.  I didn't start this blog to gain readers in the first spot.  This has never been about having a spotlight.  I started this cause I  wanted a space where I could share what's going on in my life and what God's teaching me through it....a plot of land where I could lay down the tracks of my glorious unfolding (even if it doesn't always seem so glorious).

  So I guess it's time for a take 2....for a refocus and a remembrance of what this is all about.  I can't promise you that I will be the most consistent writer, as life as a way of catching up to me and sometimes even running me over, but when I do write (which will hopefully be more often) I do promise to be more real and honest and uninhibited by what I'm "suppose" to say and think and feel.  I hope you'll continue to follow along with me....who knows maybe something I share will open up a conversation or two that really needs to be talked about.... but ultimately this is for me, to share myself with my future self, so that I can look back and see where I've been while on my way to where I'm going.....after all, this is MY glorious unfolding!

   

The One Whose in Control....

  I have this quote on my wall that goes like this, "If God wants a thing to succeed, you can't mess it up.  If He wants a thing to fail, you can't save it".  I put it up there on the wall as a reminder to myself of the one who is in control. Because truth be told, often times I act like I think I am God and that I can/have to hold everything in place and make everything work out as I see fit.  And the reality is, not only is that not true, but it's not how life works.

  When I came back to Ecuador in January to begin my second year serving with my missions organization, part of what really drew me back in was the belief that God has some BIG THINGS he wants to do in my heart this year.  I know that sounds so self-centered, especially coming from a missionary whose suppose to be all about the community, and people, and God moving in others, but one thing I've discovered over the years is unless God is working in me, I'll never allow Him to work out of me.  Yes, I believe God is God and thus He can use anyone or anything (heck, He used a donkey...an ass...in the Bible......a comforting thought for me sometimes!), but when I'm not connecting with God and allowing our relationship to be first priority, I start thinking and acting like I'm the one who touches people, who heals them, who gives them ultimate comfort, who can save them.  I don't know what you're thinking reading this, but when I read that last sentences over it's obvious to me that in those moments without God, I start thinking I AM God (notice the trend)!

  The really ridiculous thing about all of this is that I am actually really bad at this whole people interaction thing!  I would make a horrible God!  Now I know there are some of you out there reading this thinking I know Jess and she's not that bad of a person at all, but that's actually where you would be wrong.  The truth is, while I can act sweet and intentionally try to put others before myself, and really work to make the world a better place, the attitude of my heart and the thoughts in my mind are often so far from that sweet, caring, others oriented act I try to carry out.  I want to be the kind of person who loves unconditionally, who showers grace and mercy on people, who forgives quickly and who points people to Jesus in everything I do.  However, usually I'm operating out of a place where I am judging people, assuming I know best, proclaiming guilt on others, and working to make myself look best.  If God looks only at the heart, I daily prove to Him how much of a sinner I am and how desperately... DESPERATELY.... I need his grace and forgiveness and love and mercy.

  Which brings me back to the beginning, or at least back to the main point of this whole blog, thank God that He is God and that He is in control!  While I may "get it wrong" all the time and kick myself and others because of my bad attitudes, God still loves me, He still sees me as His Child, I am His!  And there is such freedom in that!  When I am resting in that truth, all of a sudden I don't need to work hard to carry out my plans and make myself look good.  Instead I can let all that go, press into Him and allow Him to carry out His plans and purposes in and thru me!  And that's what life really is all about, isn't it?  Knowing God and making Him known!  I may not be perfect, but clearly God is still doing a major work in me!  And for that I give Him all the glory!  Amen.

Growing pains...

  Over the weekend I was kind of a Jerk to one of my friends.  I was annoyed and frustrated with a few things and instead of just talking to her about it, I sort of just gave her the cold shoulder.  Then, because I am so "holy and righteous", I spent all weekend trying to justify my behavior even though I felt the conviction of God telling me that no matter how I am feeling, that's no way to treat a friend, teammate or sister-in-Christ.

  So I made plans in my heart that today I would apologize to her, which I did...even though I don't think I was all that clear and seemed to point to my frustration instead of just focusing on why I was wrong. Anyway, before I apologized though, I spent most of the morning trying to get out of it some how.  I was truly just considering not saying anything and hoping that by pushing it under the rug, it would be done and over with.  However, we serve a God who wants better for me and for His children.  So as I sat there washing dishes, trying to justify not doing the right thing a second time, I felt like God said to me, "You can choose to BE a person of integrity or just someone who talks about it, the choice is yours"...and I knew right then and there what I had to do.

  Like I said my apology didn't go as smoothly as I hoped.  I'm more of an avoider than I am someone who takes initiative to ask for forgiveness, and thus it's something I obviously still need to work on.  But the truth is, this is exactly how the body of Christ should work.  We work together and when we hurt one another, which we will cause we're human, we need to own up to it, ask for forgiveness and talk it out.  I think it's one of the biggest schemes of the Devil to get Christians to stop talking to one another, once we've been hurt or hurt...or we start becoming less real.  I don't want that in my relationships, so...even though it's hard and I completely suck at it....I'm learning to BE that person of integrity I want to be...to own up to my mistakes...to apologize...and to grow from it.  Now if I could only learn not to beat myself up so much over it!  But that's for a different post!

Lessons Learned from Cultural Differences....

  This past weekend was Easter, but for me it was certainly an Easter unlike any I've had before.  I come from a culture that celebrates mostly Resurrection Sunday.  While my home church reserves a retreat center for people who want to get away with God on Good Friday, it's Sunday that we have our service and community breakfast to celebrate. Also, In my family, while my father's side of the family use to go Saturday night to have there Easter baskets blessed, it's Sunday that we have a family dinner and time of celebration.  However, in the community where I am currently living, Good Friday is what's really celebrated.

  This past Friday the catholic church set up stations of the cross around the community and a crowd of people walked from station to station where they prayed in front of re-enacted scenes from the Bible. Then both Christian churches in our village had Good Friday services.  My church here even had a community meal to celebrate.  On Sunday however, it was just like any other normal day.  No big celebration, not fancy outfits, and definitely not baskets!

  I shared on my missions Facebook book page yesterday, that this difference in cultures has really helped me to see the importance of both sides of the holiday.  The reality is, we really can't have one without the other.  For if Jesus hadn't gone to the cross for our sins, then we would still be lost in our sins.  But if He never resurrected than all hope would be lost.  Both parts of the story matter... both sides need to be remembered.

  I guess that's one of the good things about living in such a different culture.  I'm learning to see things from a different perspective and, in a way, more deeply.  It's not always easy to understand the differences I am experiencing, but when I opening myself up to them, there is always something new I learn.  So here's to learning, to growing and to new experiences!

"On a Personal Note", expanded....

  This afternoon I sent out my latest e-newsletter to update my supporters on the goings on of our ministry here in Ecuador.  In every newsletter that I write, I try to include a bit about what God is teaching me.  Sadly, I find that sometimes the space restraints of a newsletter often mean that I have to rush so much of what I want to say, without getting to tell the whole story.  At least that's a bit of how it felt writing today's newsletter.

  For the past three months I've had the privilege of skyping into the monthly women's fellowship meeting of my home church.  We are studying the book of Mark together and this month there were two questions in our study that really stood out to me.  The first was "Why were people with bad reputations drawn to Jesus?" and "Are they drawn to you?  Why or Why not?".  And the second was "Why did the Pharisees think it was a bad idea to hang out with sinners?".   Now I'm not going to share my exact answers, but these two questions really began to reinforce to me just how often I act more like a Pharisee than like Jesus!

  When I read so much of the Bible, especially the New Testament, I see Jesus as this God-man who was more concerned with honoring the father and loving others, than with his reputation and trying to follow man made rules of religiosity.  When I look at the Pharisees, on the other hand, they seem like people who knew a lot about God and thought because of how much THEY studied, how much THEY did right, how law abiding THEY were, that God obviously would approve of them and thus other people had to respect THEM and live up to THEIR standards.  And when I look at those two descriptions, I see myself as living more like a Pharisee than my Jesus.  Thankfully, over the past several years, God has certainly been showing me the error of my ways.  Not only have I realized just how self-centered I am and how wrong my focus has been, but I've also come to truly desire to change and be more like my God.

  I shared a bit in the newsletter I wrote today, that more and more I realize just how messy I am and that it's really only by the grace of God that people are blessed by Him through my life.  The truth is, I come from a background of Law, thinking I have to do everything right and be perfect and then God would accept me and others would have to accept me.  And even though I could never reach that "perfect" standard, I always thought I was doing "better" than other people, so I wasn't that bad!  In fact, I never use to really see my own messiness, just the messiness of others...and thus I would keep "them" (those sinners) at bay!

  Now, I'm coming to see more and more of my own badness....my selfishness, my self-centeredness, the bitterness I hold onto, how I am so slow to forgive and so quick to condemn, and so much more...and I realize that I'm not good...not good at all...BUT, I AM LOVED!  How amazing is that!  God of all the universe, who knows every little bit about me...including all the wrong I've done, thought, felt or even intended... somehow He still sees me as His Child whom He loves!  It's incredible!

  And I guess this is the first step in turning away from my life as a Pharisee and turning to God and a life that more resembles Him.  As I come to understand more and more the true state of my heart, I also come to understand how much I need God and how gracious He has been to me!  The knowledge of His goodness is changing me and making me see people around me differently...helping me to love them more fully because I recognize just how fully loved I am even though I don't deserve it!

  For years I've heard my home church Pastor preach on this and I thought I understood it....In fact I thought I was living it out....and I figured since my mind understood what He was saying that I was doing good and this gave me a great sense of pride.  But, I never really got it all in my heart...not until now.  And even though I know I still haven't fully understood it all, instead of feeling like I'm so far above everyone else and should be praised for my great knowledge of this Gospel message....I instead feel humbled, and grateful and completely overwhelmed by the love of God.  For the first time ever I feel free to admit my failures and look at all the ways I stumble and fall, because I know it's never really been my efforts that make me acceptable to God....it's His and it's always been about HIM!

  So, for those of you who get my newsletters....and even those of you who don't....here's a bit more of where I was coming from when I was sharing how God is revealing to me more and more the mess that I am, but it's in accepting that mess that I'm becoming more reliant on God and putting Him back in the place of honor and worship that He deserves in my life!  I hope that makes sense...

A Birthday Thank you...

  Today's my birthday (Happy Birthday to me)! I must admit that I love my birthday!  It's that one day a year when all these people from near and far reach out and remind me that in some way I've made an impact on their life!  And maybe that makes me a little self-centered, but sometimes I just need that reminder.

  Lately I've really been missing home...not just the people, but things and activities.  Don't get me wrong, I truly enjoy the work I am doing here, but there's just nothing like the comfort of being with FAMILY and FRIENDS.  I miss getting to grab a coffee at Panera, checking out a good book from the library, catching a movie with my mom, having a meal with friends, going to a rockcats game with my sister and nieces....and so many other things.

  But I guess the good thing that comes from missing all that, is the realization of how lucky I am to have the friends, family and experiences I have, and how much I should appreciate the good things in my life. I am so blessed... blessed beyond measure.  Some how, without even realizing it, I've walked straight into the Abundant Life that I've always longed for...and I am amazed!

  So thank you all for the birthday wishes, facebook comments, cards, emails, texts, etc.  This day would not be nearly as special as it is for me without all of you!  I appreciate you guys and am so thankful to have you in my life!  Thank you for blessing me!