What's the Deal with Grace?!?!

  I'm working through a bible Study with a friend right now called, "One Way Love".  It's all about God's one way love towards us and the grace He shed's on us so freely and undeservingly.  To be honest I thought I had this whole grace thing down.  It's taken me years to move from a faith based on works to a faith based on Grace, and I think I had almost tricked myself into believing that I had no more work to be done in that area...that I was all done learning.  Boy was I wrong!

  This morning I was sitting down after my bible time, going through some of the questions that are in our study and I came to this set of questions: "Grace is unconditional acceptance given to an undeserving person by an unobligated giver.  In what ways are we undeserving of grace? Are there ways in which we attempt to deserve it?  Or attempt to determine who can and cannot have grace?"

  At first the question was easy....I mean there are a million ways that I prove that I am not deserving...in fact I am completely UNdeserving....of God's grace.  So in my journal I began to list all those ways, thinking "I've got this question in the bag!  Kuddos to me" (So humble, right?!).  Even now I look at what I've just written and can't help but think that the very fact that I can point to ways in which I don't think I am deserving of grace, means there has to be a list of reasons why I do think I am deserving...but in the moment I hadn't quite gotten there. 

  Even as I went on to ponder the next part of the question... "Are there ways in which (I) attempt to deserve (grace)?".... my immediate answer was "OF COURSE NOT!" (Me thinks the lady doth protest too much)!  But then I got to the question, "Do (I) attempt to determine who can and cannot have grace", and....well that's when the you know what began to hit the fan!

  At first, I'll admit, I had the "I would NEVER do that" attitude going on (read that picturing an over acting women in a 1960's movie!).  But then I started thinking about the people in my life that I have a hard time loving...people who seem to not care about God at all or completely abuse any grace that is extended to them by anyone....and all of a sudden my feathers started to ruffle!  Why should someone like that continue to receive unconditional grace!  How can someone so ungrateful be worth of it! 

  That's when my ugly green monster of pride busted out from the cage I try so hard to keep it locked up in and it stepped onto it's soap box.  I obviously fail all the time at trying to live this perfect Christian life....but the key word there is TRY!  I TRY to be a good person.  I TRY to keep growing.  I TRY to honor God in everything.  I TRY not to commit the same sins over and over again!  Clearly I am a step a head of that no good grace abusing non believer...and thus I am clearly more deserving!!!

  WOW!  Talk about a slap in the face!  In that moment, not only did I come face to face with my own ungratefulness and judgementalness and blatant self-centered-ness....BUT  I also realized that in fact, what I was really saying is that Grace is something that is deserved....something based on what I do...on works!  CRAP!  The Bible clearly states in  Ephesians 2:8-9 that GRACE IS A GIFT and CANNOT be EARNED BY GOOD WORKS ("For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.").  SLAP #2 in the face!

  Now I could try to clean this all up now and make it look pretty and like I've finally gotten my act together in the last 12 hours of this day, but the truth is that's not real!  I'm wrestling with the fact that this is the state of my heart, that I haven't come has far as I think I have in my faith journey on this topic, and that I'm become really good once again at giving the "Christian" answer to things instead of really investigating what's going on in my heart! 
  This isn't a sitcom....in real life things don't get resolved in 30 minutes!  And just because it's tempting to put on the "I'm a Missionary, I'm suppose to know all of this down pat to the core of my soul by now" mask so that I don't feel looked down on, I'm not going to do that...not tonight anyways....because I honestly believe it's good to wrestle with these things and to mull them over in your mind and to be truthful enough to bring them to God without the polished veneer on it! 

  So tonight I sit in the uncomfortableness of it all, realizing it's okay to not have it all worked out and to not be completely put together.  If infact grace is unconditional acceptance given to an undeserving person by an unobligated giver, then maybe my struggle (and not my pretend put togetherness) is what puts me in the perfect place to receive it!   

 

This is the Start of something New...

  So I am back in my village now and getting ready to jump back into ministry and pretty much anything God has for me this year.  I have to be honest though, my heart is a little torn.  On the one hand I just left home so I'm missing all my friends and family there, but on the other hand I'm so happy to back with my friends and "family" here.  I don't know what the next year holds, but I have a feeling that feeling of being "torn" is only going to continue to grow.  So I guess the best strategy will be to learn to just live in the moment and breathe it all in as it comes.  God knows the future and he's given me this present, so I should just enjoy the moment and be grateful for it!
  That being said, I'm really excited about this year.  I don't know why but I have a feeling this is going to be a huge year for me in terms of personal growth.  There are so many things I want to do this year too, that I almost wish there were more hours in the day.  But more than just "things" I want to do, I feel like there's a deeper intimacy with God that I am being called to.  Last year when I first came to the field I was forced by circumstance to learn a lot about relying on God and turning to Him instead of people to sustain me.  This year I feel like I'm setup to build on that reliance and grow more in just how I relate to God and how I allow Him to speak to me and through me.
  The next three days my teammates and I have set apart for a time of prayer.  Maybe it's wrong to have such high expectations for a time such as this, but I truly believe that this time is going to be a sacred moment that will have a huge impact on everything we do from here on out.  I'm not saying that it's going to be easy...I mean we all want to hear from God but taking the time to just sit and BE with Him isn't something that tends to come naturally to us humans (or at least to this human).  Plus moments like these, God tends to use to stir things up in us....and stirring has the tendency to bring our struggles to the surface. That's a good thing....but hard none the less.
  So pray for us over the next few days that God would really speak to each of our hearts and help us to grow closer to Him.  Pray for clarity of vision and that we would have ears to hear and eyes to see God's vision and not just our own.  And pray for me that I would stay open and allow God to do the work He needs and wants to do in me, both this week and through out this year!  Amen!
 

What These Past Three Weeks Have Taught Me...

  I am so blessed...sometimes I forget that so please feel free to remind me in the future. The last few weeks have only served to remind me of this fact. I have friends....amazing, supportive friends...who are honest and real, loving and forgiving, encouraging and challenging, and so much more. They listen to me when I am freaking out in fear or dreaming beyond big. They remind me who I am when I start to forget and keep me growing and staying strong on this road of faith. And they allow me to see them for who they really are, opening themselves up to me, and allow me to be there for them in good times and bad.
 Then I have this church family....people who represent God in so many different ways that it reminds me that God is so much greater and complex then I ever could think. Brother and Sisters in Christ who seek God and see things about Him that I often miss and who teach me and help me to never give up in seeking Him and help me grow in faith. They are so generous...so unbelievably generous...and bless me more than I could ever say!
  And then there is my family.  My parents and sisters and nieces and nephews and aunts and uncles and cousins....all of them, so important and precious to me! We are a crazy bunch...with ups and downs, laughs and tears, good times and bad...but I love them and I know they love me! Like any family we annoy each other and get on each other's nerves at times, but I would go to the death for any of them! I just love them...1000 fold!
  I am so glad I got the opportunity to come home and celebrate This holiday season with all these precious ones! I wouldn't trade any of it for anything, because coming home refreshes me in a way nothing else ever could!  I wish I could pack them all up in my suitcases to take them back to Saraguro with me...and I guess in a sense I can, since they all make up pieces of my heart...but it's not exactly the same and thus I am gonna miss them all!
  So for all of you reading this who fall into any of the categories above....Thank you! Thank you for being so loving and caring and supportive! Thank you for welcoming me into your life and taking the time to invest in mine! And Thank you for taking the time to listen to me and for allowing me  to spend time with you over these past three weeks.  As I said above....I am so blessed...and you all are a part of the reason why! So Thank you!

New year, new start...

 Wow it is so crazy to think we are already into 2015!!! It's been so nice to be able to ring in this new year with my family and enjoy much of the comforts of the USA. But with the ringing of the new year comes a new focus and new goals and a new start. This year I want to focus on my health....obviously that won't be my only focus, considering I am still living life on mission...but something I started to believe at the end of last year is that unless I am taking care of my body, I'll never fully be able to honor God or have the complete confidence to step out into all I feel He is calling me to.
  With that said, I started off the year trying to eat healthier and with a bit of exercise. I have also decided to track my food in a more public kind of way...using Instagram...for the added accountability. My goal is to exercise at least five times a week as well, but until we return to our village, I will have to be bit creative in what I do (well yesterday my sister and I went for a walk which is more boring than creative, but still).
 I have no idea what the next year holds...but I know that God is with me and as I honor him with my life...and my health...I am sure He will lead me closer to His heart as we continue this adventure together! So here's to another year...CHEERS!!

Back to Basics and a bit of Confirmation...

  This past week I had an opportunity to go on a much needed retreat with my teammates.  To be honest I wasn't exactly looking forward to it, mostly because I had finally gotten myself in to a nice daily routine and I knew leaving home would only interrupt that.  Plus I hadn't seen some of my teammates in three months and I was nervous about seeing them again!  Well, the retreat did in fact throw off my routine...but only for five days (today I jumped right back into it!) and as far as being nervous about seeing people, well that was just silliness on my part!  I had a great time and it was so nice to see everyone (and meet our new team members in person!).

  The speaker who came to share was us was really awesome and completely down to earth.  Normally when I go to retreats or conferences I do everything in my power to completely avoid the speaker (both when they are speaking, by averting my eyes, and then also during down time), but I felt really comfortable around this guy and had no problem talking with him (maybe since he was from the USA and it was like having a little taste of my other home).

  God did some pretty great things during this time as well...both in me and, I believe, in my team as a whole (which I am quite excited about)!  I am sure I've talked about it in the past, but something God has really been teaching me and speaking to me about over the past several months (if not since I moved to this country) is that I am called to treat people not based on how they treat me, but rather based on the love of Christ for me.  I am not suppose to live tit-for-tat (meaning you hurt me so that gives me permission to hurt you back...or you treated me bad so I can treat you bad), but rather I am suppose to love others unconditionally because Christ has loved me unconditionally and I represent Him (although sometimes trying to decipher what the most "loving" thing to do isn't always easy)!

  To be honest I've always struggled with that because while I can try to live that way (although usually in my own strength) for small periods of time, I eventually get hurt and offended and decide that it's just not worth it and give up.  Then a little while later I try again...and the same cycle happens...over and over.  It's frustrating and I often beat myself up for going around and around and around this same mountain, when I obviously know God wants something better for me.

  Our speaker started off his first message talking about two very basic things though, that brought this whole struggle back into a little more perspective.  He said that we need to know our identity in Christ and we need to trust God (two things that I think pretty much go hand in hand, because if you know who you are in Him it's easier to trust God and if you trust God it's easier to believe what He has said about you).  I mulled this over all retreat and then on Saturday morning when I was spending some quiet time alone with God I had this "ah-ha" moment where it dawned on me that when I walk in my true identity, relying on God and trusting Him to work in and through me, then I will be able to love people unconditionally (I think this is what it means, in part, by walking by faith)!  That was a simple and yet quite profound moment for me (one of those things I've always known in my head, but had finally started to let it seep down into heart kind of understandings)! And I was so grateful for the confirmation of God moving in me through it!

  Now to only have a more clearer understanding of how to keep myself from condemning myself when I fail at this and don't walk by faith and turn my back on everything I know to be true....because I know those moments will come (no matter how brief they are)...they always do and like the apostle Paul, I get frustrated because I keep doing that which I don't want to do and that which I don't want to do, I do! But this is a journey and I'm not going to figure it all out in one night (or even in five days), so for now I celebrate the current victories and I trust God to bring more and more clarity and revelation to me, as I draw closer to Him.  Amen!

It Starts in Us...It starts in Me...

  Today my teammates and I went prayer walking in our community.  We do this every Tuesday, although not always in our community, and for the past several weeks I've been really struggling in it.  I haven't been sure what to pray, I haven't been feeling very "productive" in my prayers, and honestly at times I have wondered if it's all just been a waste of time!

  Today however I took some time to go off on my own and pray as I walked up and down the different streets near our house.  As I was praying I was starting to get a bit annoyed with myself as it seemed like I kept coming back to the same prayer which really had more to do with my team than with our village.  I kept hearing myself pray "Lord give us your heart for this people...help us to see our neighbors how you see them....help us to love them like you do....give us a cry deep in our souls that can't be shaken, for revival and renewal to come to this place".  BUT THEN in the midst of all those prayers I felt this unexplained peace, like God was smiling and saying "Yes, this is the Spirit through which I can work.  This is where is begins".

  My initial mindset in most things is to try and figure out how to do things on my own.  It's not necessarily that I want to make a name for myself, but more so that I don't really like relying on other people...sadly, sometimes that even includes God.  Over the past month there have definitely been times where I've sat down and logically thought about how we as a team can truly reach this community with the gospel.  I can come up with 5 point plans and step by step instructions on what I think will work, but in the end I always hit a road block when it comes to one important point.  I cannot make anyone come to God; I cannot make anyone become a Christian.  It's soley the work of Christ that can move in a heart and bring them to himself!  I can lay the ground work, I can even encourage and teach a person, but it's really not what I do that matters, but rather what God does that really changes a life.

  This is not to say that we shouldn't try or that we should just sit on our butts all day and hope for God to rain down miracles.  Clearly the way God has chosen to move in this world is through us and thus I think the most important thing that we can do is just make ourselves available to Him. 

  It's like I wrote in my journal the other day...a person can't lead someone else anywhere they are not willing to go themselves.  Meaning that we can't expect the people in this community to run whole heartily after God, if I myself  am not doing so first!  Leaders lead by example!  And so, for that reason, I will pray all the more for God to come and in work in me and give me His heart and mind; that in becoming more like Him, I may be the door through which people will meet Him for themselves!

My Dislike for 3am....

  I'm really starting to hate 3 o'clock in the morning!  For the past couple of weeks, several nights a week, I wake up from a delightful sleep just around this time (usually anywhere from 2:15ish to 3:30ish) and I cannot for the life of me fall back asleep!  I have seen more Saraguro sunrises than I ever planned to and have yelled at my phone (aka my alarm clock) more times than an sane person should, and I just can't seem to figure it out!

  I've gone through the normal questions....am I drinking too much before I go to bed?  Am I eating the wrong thing before going to bed?  Am I stressed about something?  Am I going to bed too early? And the answer to all those things seem to be "No!".  I've even started going down the spiritual route...is there something God wants me to pray about during this time and once I do I'll fall back asleep?  But that doesn't seem to be it either as I've spent many of those hours in prayer (although honestly a lot of those prayers are that God would please just help me fall back asleep)!  It's not like I do anything during that time...I literally lay there in bed, with my eyes closed waiting for that moment of pure sleepy bliss!  And it's not like I'm not tired....I feel tired.... like I should just roll over and be asleep....but it just doesn't happen!

  What's really annoying is that because I'm not sleeping all night, every night, I am tired during the day!  Friday I was so tired after only getting 5 hours of sleep the night before, that I ended up sleeping my entire afternoon away!  Then this morning after being up from 2:15ish until 6:30am, I woke up at 9am so grumpy that every little thing was annoying me!  That's no way to minister to others! And I certainly want to be careful not to switch my body clock into thinking day time is when we sleep and night time is when we play!

  So does anyone have any suggestions?  I've tried drinking warm milk and tea in the middle of the night....of which only the tea seemed to help and that was only one time.  And I've started saying that I'm not allowed to eat or drink anything during the four hours before bed time.  But I'm open to other suggestions or ideas on the topic.

  And just to clarify, the problem is not falling asleep when I go to bed.  I have no trouble with this.  The problem is waking up in the middle of the night every couple of nights, and then not being able to fall back asleep.  All I know is I really don't like seeing 3am on my alarm clock!

 

Putting Myself On the Priority List....

  I moved down here to Ecuador over 9 months ago now (CRAZY!) and it's taken me until about two weeks ago to remember something I learned almost 7 years ago!  That is that you can't take care of anyone else unless you're first taking care of yourself!

  I use to be pretty fit and I took a lot of care to exercise and eat healthy every day.  Sadly over the past several years that hasn't been exactly true of my life and my body and my soul have paid the price for it!  Since moving to Saraguro, my teammates and I have put a lot of focus on taking care our ourselves spiritually and making sure that we are filling up on Christ so that we can be poured out for Him in our community!  This got me thinking about the other areas of my life where I need to "fill up" in order to be able to be "poured out".  And although exercising and eating healthy don't seem like things that would fit into that category at first glace, the more I thought about it (and actually started doing it) the more I've realized they most certainly do!

  Over the past two weeks I've made a more concerted effort to exercise five times a week and to cook a majority of my meals at home using the fresh veggies and fruits from our local farmers market.  I've also started drinking more water and going to bed early enough to be able to get at least 8 hours of sleep (although sometimes that just means me laying in bed quietly resting and not actually sleeping until I'm down to more like 6 hours).  These are all practical things....healthy ways to take care of myself....and I honestly can feel the difference they make in how I feel!

  I use to think, especially when I first moved to Ecuador, that I couldn't take the time to exercise or do any of those other things to focus on myself.  I moved here to share the message of the gospel and my focus was suppose to be Christ and others...not me!  Now I'm realizing it's okay to put myself on that list...in fact it's important!  When I take care of me, when I give myself some priority, I have more energy, feel better and can go longer...and that makes a huge impact on how I am able to minister!

  It's pretty easy to put yourself on the back burner in life and to take care of everyone else before yourself.  It's even possible to feel guilty for taking care of yourself, especially when you have a very relational "Job".  But no matter how true each of those things are, it's just as true and even more okay to take time for yourself!  God can use anything to glorify His name, but it's a lot easier to give Him your everything when you've put in the effort to take care of the body He's given you!  So here's to taking care of myself in order for God to use me to take care of others!

The Lesson Of Being Inconvenienced....

  Today a young girl from our community was waiting for me outside our gate, hoping that I would play with her.  Instead of saying yes right then and there, I instead told her I would come play basketball with her tomorrow because today I was just too tired.  In my mind I had a totally valid excuse for saying this considering I had just gone to church, hung out with two of my friends and shopped at the market.  Yet, the second she walked away I started kicking myself because I know I could have done better!

  The truth is there are times when we are all busy and times when it's important to rest and recuperate, but when given the opportunity to love the one in front of you, it seems like it's always better to do so then to push it off for some other time.  This little girl just wanted a friend, someone to hang out with and make her feel important.  And basically I did the opposite of that and now I feel a bit ashamed!

  People think that being a missionary is all about these big things you get to do...hosting medical brigades, leading youth groups, bringing people to Christ. Those things are great, but what I am learning is that true missions is about learning to love the one in front of you.  It's taking the time to say "I see you" and "your important"...not because it's convenient for you, but because that's what God wants to say to His children and you are His mouth piece in this world.

  And so yeah, today I chose to place myself before another.  I decided it was more important to sit in my room and watch a movie, rather than spend an hour with a little girl who was just looking for a little love.  Tomorrow I will try to reconcile that, but for now I need to remember this feeling....this gnawing of knowing I could of done more and didn't...and hopefully next time I won't make the same mistake!  Lord help me to be a better ambassador for you!  Amen

Writers Block Over...

  For the past couple of weeks I have had what I guess you could classify as writers block.  Someone told me when I first started blogging years ago that you should write every day because only then will it get easier and you will always have something to say.  Well, I honestly can't say for certain if that's true or not considering that I've never been all that consistent of a blogger, but I can say that not writing for weeks really makes it hard to get back in the groove of things. 

   Plus I have to continually remind myself why I started writing in the first spot.  I didn't create this blog for followers (although I do like share what I've written with my friends).  I created it to help me process and remember all that I'm learning in life.  And who knows, maybe fifty years from now I will look back on this blog and be able to remember my "youth" in a deeper way because of all the things I have written here.  So It's back to business...

   I think the lesson of this year (and/or longer) has been learning to love people unconditionally and not allowing my attitude and actions towards others to be determined by the way that they treat me, but rather by the what Christ has done for me.  You'd think by now I would have that all figured out and be living a life that is so pleasing to the Lord that it shines brighter than the sun!  But...well...I'm sure you can guess that's not the reality!

  Instead, it seems the more that I examine my own life and try to be a better person, the more I realize how wrong I usually get things and how grumpy and stubborn I can get!  I want to be the kind of person that is known for her love and her joy, for being accepting and forgiving, and for thinking of other people better than myself.  Unfortunately I don't think I exemplify any of those things on a continual basis and thus I always feel like I'm hitting the reset button on a game I can't seem to figure out!

  The good thing is, realizing how much I screw it all up forces me to constantly come back to Christ, asking Him for forgiveness and begging Him to teach me how to be more like Him.  I don't think we can really be the kind of people that Honor God 100% of the time if we aren't letting God live and work through us.  It's really only by His strength that we can do it!  So maybe it's a good thing that I constantly trip over my own self-centeredness, since that's the very thing that helps me put God back at the center of my life!

  So what about you?  What lessons have you been learning lately?  How is God working in and through you?  Let's learn from each other!