The past few days I have been thinking A LOT about what it means to be a disciple of Jesus.... like what does it actually look like and what does that mean for my life as I try to reflect Him. I guess the whole train of thought started because I was listening to a Christian podcast that was discussing Western missions and what kind of Jesus we are representing to the world through our Western viewpoints. From there it was an easy connection for me to begin thinking about my own experience with missions and what I personally had reflected as "jesus" when I was serving... and then move onto my own life now, day in and day out (probably because I am so unbelievably self-centered).
Anyway, my thought process went something like this...How do my beliefs about Jesus and my relationship with him actually impact my life? Would someone who didn't know me look at my life and be able to tell that I am a christian? How does what I say I believe about God line up with how I live my life? In fact, what, if any impact does Jesus really have on my day to day decisions and outlook?
Has these thoughts went racing through my head, I immediately remembered how last weekend my good friend came to church with me and since she had to leave early, I walked her out because there was no way in hell I was gonna stand there arms held high, worshiping this Jesus who loves all his children, while one of his daughters (and one of my most precious friends) slowly walked out of the church doors alone. But then I couldn't help but think... How many times do I sit there in service worshiping Jesus, claiming to believe that He is the lover of the orphan, the outcast, the beat down and the broken...believing that He is the God who has rescued my soul and died to make me whole.... knowing that there is no life outside of him....and then walk out the door of the church and get on living my life as if all that really matters is what makes me happy? (Cue sucker punch to the gut).
As I considered all these things these past few days (which mind you, I am pretty sure this is something that's gonna take me a long time to work through), two things in particular stood out to me: shopping and relationships (Not exactly the two things I would of expected especially considering I don't necessarily enjoy either of those things all the time).
When it comes to shopping, so many questions started coming up. I was thinking about where I buy my food and where I buy my clothes, and how majority of the time I purchase things that are cheap because I don't like to spend a lot of money (mostly cause I think I don't have a lot of money, but if I am honest then I have to admit I am richer than majority of the world). I started thinking... should I be buying my produce from local farms or online from businesses that I know treat their employees well? If so, how do I get groceries when things are out of season? Do I send away for things and order online? If so, then how do I know the shipping companies are treating their employees well? Does it even matter if I have good intentions but then end up having my food delivered to me by a driver whose company makes him work 60+ hours a week, often times forcing him to miss breaks and sleep just to make sure my delivery is on time? (By the way, I think it does....although I have no idea how to figure a way around that).
Then when I started thinking about my clothes and I immediately felt like I needed to get rid of pretty much everything I own because most of it was probably made by a slave or child worker. Of course that made me wonder ... is it right for me just to hand those clothes off to someone else when it doesn't change the fact they were still purchased without any thought of how they were made? And, by giving them away, am I just handing that unethical burden off to someone else? And what about the ethical practices of those companies I might donate them too...how do I know how they treat their employees or even what they do with the money they get for selling my used clothes? Should that even be my concern? (Again, I think it should). By this point my head was spinning and I hadn't even begun to think about where I am suppose to buy ethically made clothing, in my size, that would still allow me to be fiscally responsible with my money!
Now, the whole relationship thing, well that came up for me in in church today. I went to church this morning with all of the above whirling around in my head, and as our pastor called us at the end of service to "take the step of faith God was calling us to" (like in an individual sense), I couldn't help but feel like God was asking me to trust Him in my relationships with others. It was like God was saying "trust me enough to protect your heart, that you will go out and love others and allow them to know you without a fear" (WHAT?!...if you know me, you know that's like the last thing I would ever think of doing...unless of course God was calling me to it...). In fact, I immediately started thinking back to a conversation that happened in the community group I attended on Friday night and how I legitimately was a complete a**hat by talking over someone who was just trying to give me advice, because I "needed" to defend myself and do damage control. Has I thought about that moment sitting in church, listening to this call of Jesus that was prompted by my pastor, all I kept thinking was... God...do I even reflect you at all in my relationships? Do I even try to trust you in how I interact with others or am I too worried about making sure I don't get hurt again that the entire thing becomes a giant show or a battle ground? Would anyone even be able to look at my life, at how I interact with them, and see Christ? Sadly at the moment, in too many ways, the answer would be no.
This whole idea of allowing my life to reflect Jesus, to truly be His disciple in every area of my life, is pretty overwhelming (If I am honest). Even in just these beginning thoughts about it I feel like there are so many ways I need to rip up my life and start again. And, (again, if I am honest) I feel pretty embarrassed about admitting that. However, what I know as well...and what I am holding onto for dear life in this moment....is that "There is NO CONDEMNATION in Christ Jesus" and that the very fact that I am now awakened to all of this and willing to make a change, honors God. So instead of making my 12 point plan on how to re-invent my life (cause let's face it, that self-centered, I can some how please Jesus in my own strength lie loves to rear its ugly head in my life continually), I am gonna continue to wrestle with all of this and bring it before God piece by piece, asking him to help me know and do what would be most pleasing to Him. So I guess the answer to the question "What does it look like to reflect Jesus in my life", is simply answered by turning everything over to him and trusting Him to guide me in all my daily decisions and interactions (simple...but certainly not easy...). God, I need you. Amen.
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