So this morning I was doing my morning "devotion/quiet time" (whatever you want to call it) and not even ten minutes in my eyes started getting droopy, my handwriting started to turn into illegible chicken scratch that was only halfway on the line of my journal, and before I could even stop myself....I fell asleep (consequently I woke up like 20 minutes later....cause you wouldn't believe how unbelievably uncomfortable a chair can be to sleep in. And at that point I ended up making the executive decision that the most "holy" thing I could do in that moment was get a little more sleep and thus creeped back upstairs and into my bed for 40 minutes of napping before getting up for real, in order to start my day)!
Now, my commitment to a morning (or even afternoon or evening) devotional time has always been a bit of a roller coaster ride. When I first "became a Christian", at the rip old age of 14, I was immediately indoctrinated with the importance of such a time. I remember, almost every day throughout high school getting up early just to read my bible, journal, pray, and sit in silence hoping to hear from God. Of course when I went to Bible college that kind of all just fell by the wayside ...which makes sense considering I was pretty much studying God's word all day every day, so I kinda felt like I was getting my fill, but is still pretty ironic if you think about it. Every once in a while though, during our mandatory freshman study periods there, I would pull out my Bible and try to read a few passages for my own personal growth...but honestly it was more so I could procrastinate from actual school work, than for any religious reason.
After I left bible college, but before I moved across the country, I completely disregarded the whole "spend time with the Lord" concept. However, when I moved, I did so to join an inner-city Christian minsitry so I consequently picked the habit back up (although honestly, more so because once again we were required to spend a certain period of time each day quietly in some sort of devotion/bible study time. The habit certainly stuck with me for many years after that and I certainly became very acquainted with the bible during that time. But, even though I knew the stories, I am not sure how much what was reading was going beyond my head and into my heart...and so it wasn't completely sustaining me.
After I moved back home (several years later) my habit continued for a while, but then my my priorities shifted again and my then brother in law died...and well God and I pretty much went through a break up where I wasn't really even going to church anymore, never mind having a "quiet time" with Him. When I finally recommitted my life back to Christ several years later, I ended up feeling so loved by Him that my devotional life came roaring back, as really all I wanted to do was spend as much time getting to know God as I could.
This continued on for years....right up until the moment I moved home from Ecuador (now to be fair, the entire two years I spent in Ecuador as a missionary we once again had a required allotment of time we were to spend with God each day, so it wasn't that difficult to keep it up even when I was struggling in my relationship with God...and to be even more honest, the last 6 months I was in Ecuador my quiet times consisted of either reading books about other people's relationship with God or journaling about everything and anything but God....except for those rare occasions when my heart for some reason was really drawn to the word and I would actually study it for a few days straight).
As soon as I moved home from Ecuador, the whole "quiet time" thing pretty much fell by the wayside though and honestly...I didn't pick it back up until January of this year (at least I think it was in January....it might have been February though). Basically, I started attending a community group and one of the first weeks (or maybe even the first week) we were challenged to start spending an hour a day with God. Honestly....even a few months ago....and HOUR seemed like F-O-R-E-V-E-R! All I could think about was all the extra sleep I would be missing out on and how quite times just didn't seem to work out so well for me....but for some unknown reason I decide to commit to at least 15 minutes a day to it (okay, so really it was more like I said, "Okay God...I know I should be doing this cause I know spending time with you is actually good for me, but....like 15 minutes is all I can sacrifice right now, so that's what you get...take it or leave it".)
Well apparently God took it, but He definitely had other plans than I did because that first week EVERY day I spent over an hour with God (okay so maybe the first week of the first week and a half I spent time with him... which basically means I missed a few days but when I missed a day, the next day I got right back to it). All of a sudden the Bible was a live to me again and I was just soaking up the pages.
Over the past two weeks however, quite time has gotten hard again. I still get up early every morning and I still try to spend time in prayer and reading my bible, sometimes I even journal....but most days I am exhausted and I have started to feel like I am back to doing something out of "Christian duty" than because I know it's my life line to the father.
This morning when I made the choice to go back to sleep instead of try and trudge through another "I did it so I could check it off my to-do list" quiet time with God...I honestly believed sleeping was a better choice. In some ways I still do....but I also feel that Christian guilt, like I should know better and I should do better. The thing is though, because I felt so convicted (or maybe even condemned) for missing my quiet time this morning, I spent a lot of time thinking about it throughout the day. And in thinking about what the merits of a quiet time are compared to not having one, I realized that I was actually (for once) thinking about God throughout my entire day.... in fact, I spent more time praying to God and acknowledging Him (mostly cause I was seeking his wisdom and acceptance...which hello, is pretty much what He wants us to do to begin with!) than I do most days, even when I have had a quiet time in the morning!
All this is not to say that I think for some reason people (or I, specifically) should not worry about spending a morning devotional time with God on a consistent basis....cause I actually do feel that there is a lot I gain from doing so (not that I want to sound like I am using God, but normally my quiet time with Him brings a focus to my day and makes me less crappy of a person...Which is pretty awesome, I think!). However, I guess what today has taught me is that a "quiet time" isn't all there is. I shouldn't be so focused on that 1 hour a day with God, but rather should focuses on God throughout my day. God shouldn't be a point on a checklist or a block of time. If He's truly my God then He deserves free reign in every area of my life and full connection with me at any and every point of my day. Jesus should be my guiding focus and the at the forefront of my mind each day and throughout the day! I am not saying that because it's the Christian thing to do/say...but rather because I truly believe that God is my life line and I am in desperate need of Him. It's like God is the IV that I am hooked up to and every time I am disconnected from Him I risk the very life He's giving me (God I sound dramatic and so much more "Christianity" than I want, but I am telling you it's true). So yes, while every day might not have that "perfect" devotional time with Jesus, but all that really matters is trying to stay connected to Him every moment of every day. (God help me to do so, Amen).
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