Our Words have Power, Speak Truth over Yourself

  A few days ago I was sitting down drinking my morning coffee and browsing through Youtube when I came across an old Kristina Kuzmic video.  Now if you don't know who Kristina Kuzmic is, she's the lady who does all the funny truth bomb videos that sometimes pop up on your Facebook feed...and if you don't have facebook anymore (since apparently that's not cool anymore...per my teenage niece) well, you've probably seen her videos somewhere else (like Youtube!).  Anyway, in this particular video she invites a few women into her home, meeting with them one at a time, and discussing with each of them the harsh things we all say to ourselves.  The women share things like, "I feel like I am a bad mother" or "I am such a slob", all while admitting they really don't have a basis for saying these things to themselves and that they would never say such things to other people in their lives (meaning they wouldn't call other people "bad mom's" or "slobs").  Then she hands them each a picture of themselves as a child and asks if they would say those same things to the little girl looking back at them.  One by one the women have this realization that they wouldn't talk to the little girl in the picture the way they talk to themselves, and yet that little girl still lives inside them.  It's really powerful to watch (you can see it here).
  As I finished the video, I couldn't help but start thinking about all the harsh things I say about and to myself.  Not only that, but also how much I actually believe what I am saying to myself even though I have no proof to back it up.  For example, I tend to reprimand myself with the phrase, "You're so stupid" or "You're such an idiot."  I have said things like that to myself since I was little even though I have never failed any course and I seem to be able to hold intellectual conversations with most people.  Don't get me wrong, I have had my fair share of academic struggles and misunderstandings in life, but I have never had a real reason to believe that I am stupid.  Yet I believed I was..and so it was easy to call myself out for being so when I felt frustrated.  It actually took me until this year when I graduated with my degree with a 4.0 GPA that I even began to challenge this idea of being stupid and began to think that maybe I actually am smart.  It seems every day I seem to let go a little of this lie and hold onto the truth a little bit more. But the truth... it takes work... I have to put in the effort of constantly reminding myself of the truth and to look at the body of evidence available to me to believe the truth. And I think the same thing goes for every lie we believe.
  In fact, at the beginning of this year I started attending my very first community group and one thing the leaders talked about a lot was replacing the lies we believe with the truth of God's word.  At first, I kind of thought this was a bogus concept...repeating Bible verses to yourself seemed nothing more than a Stuart Smalley Daily Affirmation Sketch (not that I've ever actually watched Saturday Night Live, except on Youtube).  Anyway, it wasn't until recently when I actually decided to just try it for myself.  I had been struggling with some pretty serious anxiety and literally was fearing getting out of bed some mornings when two bible verses popped into my head.  The first was "For God has not given you a spirit of fear but of power and love and a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7).  And the second was, "The peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:7).  At first, I just started repeating those words to myself, then I started praying them...as if to remind God and myself of His promises.  I've done this for weeks now, and you know what?  I didn't notice it right away, but my anxiety has started to fade.  That's not to say that now I am cured...cause I don't think God has worked it like that.  Instead, in those moments when I feel anxiety welling up inside of me, I feel like I have this tool to take me to Jesus and let him calm my spirit.  And when I do, things get better.  Its like, in those moments, the lies that tell me I am always going to be anxious, and I have so many things to fear in life, are overcome by the truth... the truth that this is not the way I was created, that in Christ I have the power and the ability to overcome anything that comes my way, and that His peace guards me in all things. 
   Now, I don't want you to think like I did, that this is all some sort of hocus pocus.... like if you just say the right words at the right time for a specific amount of days then magically things change.  It's not like that.  This is actually something much deeper and so much bigger.  This is God setting the record straight.  This is allowing God to take back what the enemy has tried to steal from us!  Truth...specifically the Truth of God, can set us all free...and no matter what you struggle with, no matter what lies you believe, there's a promise of God for you!  All you need to do is remind yourself of His truth and allow the power of the Word of God transform you and your life!  So maybe for you, it's looking at the video I referenced above and considering what harsh lies you tell yourself.  And then maybe it means cracking open God's word and allowing Him to show you the truth.  There's a little girl (or in case your a male reading this...boy) inside of all of us and she (he) deserves to hear the truth!  Discover it and speak it over yourself!

Mary, Jesus, His Brothers, and Me...

  The other night I was driving to my sister's house listening to Christmas music (cause HELLO Christmas is a week away!) and the song "Mary Did You Know?" by Pentatonix came on.  Now this is one of those classic Christmas songs that you listen to every year, so I probably shouldn't have been so taken aback by it, but I think for the first time I actually really listened to the lyrics and to say they spoke to me would probably be an understatement.  If you don't know the song (where have you been?!?!  Just kidding!), it's basically all these questions asked to Mary the mother of Jesus and each one declares all that Jesus was and would do in this world.  Things like walking on water, healing a blind man, saving the world are just a few of the things the song mentions.  But one line in particular really caught my attention.  It's not actually a question, it's a statement...one of the few out right things the song declares.  After starting off asking Mary if she knew her son was from heaven, the song simply states, "when you kiss your little baby, you kiss the face of God"!  What a powerful visual of such a holy moment!  Can you imagine being Mary as a young woman, newly married and holding baby Jesus... literally the Son of God... in her hands!  What an astounding moment that must have been and what amazing opportunities she must have experienced in being Jesus' mother.  I can't even fathom it!

  Then this morning, I was sitting and reading the Gospel of Mark where it talks about Jesus's mother and brothers coming to see Him while He is out preaching in an over crowded house.   As the story goes, his family basically thinks Jesus is out of his mind, and they have come to talk Him out of carrying on this nonsense.  The story is just a sentence or two but reading it I couldn't help but think "how did Mary get from the place of being visited by angels and told she would be the mother of the savior of the world, to the place of questioning what Jesus was even doing proclaiming to be the Son of God?".  At first, I didn't seem to get it...why the change of heart?  Was it the power of a group of her children complaining about their "brother" that got her to join in and want to call Jesus out?  Did she just go along because she couldn't talk to her other sons out of trying to confront Jesus?  What was the deal?!

  Then I started thinking about my own life and how I've literally had all these holy moments with God over the years myself ...moments where He's been more real to me than even my best friend... but as those moments have gotten further and further behind me I have often started to forget and doubt the God in them.  Then suddenly I understood what might have happened to Mary.  Sure she "kept all these things in her heart" about who Jesus was and what the angel had declared, but were they also on her mind.  As Jesus grew and these moments got further and further behind her, I could imagine it must have been hard to hold onto them and the holiness of all she had been through.  And in the midst of the ordinariness of life, the extraordinary nature of Jesus might have just gotten lost for her.  Plus, Jesus didn't exactly do what people expected so maybe when Jesus started His ministry it wasn't what Mary thought the angel had meant and it threw her for a loop.

  I guess there's really know way to really tell what Mary was thinking or feeling at that moment, in fact, I might be so far off in my understanding and ideas of these Biblical stories... but none the less, my thought process has reminded me of the importance of keeping these holy moments with God at the forefront of my mind.  Jesus is real and God has shown Himself strong to me throughout my life. And just like Jesus's brothers may have felt Jesus was out of His mind, there will be people in my life who doubt who Jesus is and will want to convince me that God is not real. However, like Mary, I have experienced God in miraculous ways, and I need to learn from her life never to forget who He is to me.  Not only that but I should also never let the ordinariness of life strip away the miracle of having a relationship with God....no matter how distant my last "holy moment" with Him may feel. 

Can I get a Hug?!...

     When I am first getting to know people, one thing I am often quick to share with them right from the get-go is that I am not a hugger, in fact, I am not big on physical touch at all.   At least that's what I always tell people.  The truth is though, over recent months it has become quite obvious to me that this is, in fact, a lie.  I actually don't mind hugs and cuddles at all. In fact, I might actually even really like them.  But the thing is if you tell yourself something long enough you eventually start to believe it.  And I think that is exactly what happened when it came to me feeling like a non-hugger. 
     Now, I didn't grow up in a family that did a whole lot of hugging or cuddling.  And as a teenager, I had a few regrettable experiences with physical touch that made me less than open to the idea of anything physical.  So by the time I reached my twenties I had already determined that I did not like hugs and I did not want anyone in my personal space. While I don't think there was a definitive moment I decided to start telling people my disapproval of hugs and physical contact,  I do know that once I started telling people not to hug me, they listened....for the most part.  When I came into my late twenties and early thirties I was pretty much set in my ways.  People hadn't really hugged me all that much over the years, and I had actually grown accustomed it.  So when I started spending more of my time in Christian circles and hugs seemed to be something everyone wanted to hand out, my body revolted, often leaving me stiff as a board with others feeling like they had just hugged a tree!
     Then this past school year God felt it only natural to fill my classroom with students who like nothing more than to curl up on my lap, rub my legs and arms, or...you guess it...give me hugs.  Not only that, but my little munchkin class is constantly asking me to give them hugs, saying that my hugs are the best because I am like a big ole bear (uh, thanks....I think).  Anyway, a few months ago I was having a bit of a rough time with life.  It felt like everything was going wrong and I just wanted to give up on trying to make things work.  I remember siting in my car crying and thinking, "I just need a hug!".  Say what??!?  Since when do I want hugs?!  It was like the thought escaped before I could stop it, but once it was was out there I knew I couldn't deny the truth.  A hug was just what I needed and exactly what I wanted.  The truth was out...at least to myself.
     This past Saturday, my friend Alicia Yost's first book came out.  It's called "OnWard: A Funny, Heartbreaking and Insightful Collection of Faith Lessons"  (it's available on Amazon so check it out!) and in one of the chapters she speaks about this very topic.  My words could never do her words justice, but as I read that chapter about "Healing Hugs," I felt this tug in my heart drawing me deeper into my realization that my dislike of hugs is a figment of my imagination and should be left in the past.  Like Alicia shared about herself in her book, I also don't think my propensity to become like a stiff board when someone hugs me will disappear immediately, but I am ready to work through that.  Something tells me that there's plenty of people in my life ready and willing to help me out with some exposure therapy and since practice makes perfect, I think I am heading in the right direction!

Seeds and the Gardener...

     It's funny how certain things stick with you over the years.  For example, at the end of my first year as a missionary, our team had a retreat where a guest speaker came and talked to us for three days.  On the first night he was speaking, he shared about seeds, and how when a seed is planted it is covered with dirt, stepped on, and often forgot about for long periods.  Now, while the gardener is most likely still watering the ground the seed is in, and the sun is still offering it its rays, the seed doesn't know this.  In fact the seed often feels abandoned, alone, forgetten.  Then one day the seed starts to pop out of the earth, as it grows into whatever plant or tree it was meant to be.  It's then that the seed realizes that it was necessary for it to be in the dirt, but it was never forgotten about, and there was always a plan and a purpose for it.  His words were meant to encourage those of us who were feeling deserted and rejected by God and others.  I honestly have not thought about that sermon in years.  But then today I was sitting in church, and our pastor was talking about how in the verse Isaiah 54:3 the word used for offspring or descendants actually means seed.  All of a sudden it was like I was sitting back in Ecuador listening to that guess speaker remind me about seeds and dirt and the process of growth.

     When I think over the course of my life, there are a lot of seeds that I have tried to plant for the kingdom of God, but if I am honest, I haven't really seen much fruit.  In fact, if I was truly vulnerable, I often think of the people I have tried to invest in and walk beside for a time, and I wonder if they feel abandoned and forgotten by me.  See I am really good at dropping seeds in the ground, but not so good at being a gardener and cultivating those seeds long term.  I have allowed God to lead me into multiple and various types of ministries, but the second things have gotten too hard for me to deal with, I have abandoned ship and bolted, leaving a trail of unkept gardens behind me.

     Thankfully, God is more faithful than me, and He cares about all his children in a way that surpasses any efforts I could try to humanly conjure up.  As I sat working on my computer this afternoon, I just kept thinking about all those seeds I have left in the dirt, and then, like a salve to a burn, God reminded me of a little portion of scripture in 1 Corinthians 3, where Paul states "One plants. Another waters. But it's God who brings the increase" (verse 6).  I can worry all I want about the mistakes I have made and the lack of fruit I feel like I have produced in my life but in reality none of that matters.  At least not in the way I have been looking at it.  I am not building my own kingdom, I am planting to build the kingdom of God, and it is God who will ultimately produce the fruit.  My job is to be faithful to Him, and in doing so, I can trust that even when I feel like I've left seeds unattended and uncared for, He's the one who will ultimately bring those plants to fruition.  I may still need to repent about a few things and let go of a few others, but there is so much comfort in knowing none of those seeds I tried to plant in God's name were placed in vain.  God is faithful, and He will finish the work He began when I took steps to place those seeds in the ground.  People are never abandoned or forgotten in His eyes, and He has a purpose in everything!

Rusty, Rusty, and Florence: A Story of Blessing...

     I did not get my driver’s license until I was 24 years old.  Up until then, I had fears about other cars hitting me, or worse yet, me hitting them, so I had no desire to drive.  But, when I finally decided it was time to take my test, I passed with flying colors.  Since I started driving, I have always had a car that was handed down to me from someone in my family.  Not to say that I haven’t been grateful for that (cause, believe me, I AM!), but that has kind of always meant that the car I was driving around was on its last leg… or at least close to it. 
       My first car, which I affectionally called “Rusty” was just that…R-U-S-T-Y!  It was a little Honda Accord that got fantastic gas mileage but also had a few character flaws.  For example, I had accidentally spilled a Grande peppermint mocha all over the heating venting, so the heater and air conditioning unit didn’t work.  And then there was the little case of not having a working speedometer or odometer, so I had to prop up a GPS system in my line of vision just to know how fast I was going.  Suffice to say, that car finally died a slow and painful death, coming to the end of its life (thankfully) just as the breakdown lane appeared at the end of a local bridge.
     My next car, which I once again affectionally named, was “Rusty Number Two.”  And while Rusty 2.0 was definitely not as rusty as his namesake, he came with quirks of his own.  For instance, the gas mileage on that car was horrible and, since I happen to work very close to home, I never could tell if the heat/air I turned on actually worked since the car needed lots of time to warm up.  Towards the end of Rusty Squared’s life, he needed new brakes and new tires.  But what was his ultimate demise was a fuel pump that decided to stop working the moment after I filled him up with gas.  Oh well.
     Now to be honest, when Rusty Number Two broke down, I was frustrated.  I knew it was coming.  In fact, for months I had been saving money, but I wasn’t actually prepared to spend that money and was hoping he would hold out on me a few more months. I remember standing out in the cold at the gas station, waiting for both AAA and my father to show up and help, thinking, “Really, God?!?!  You really couldn’t have thrown me a bone here and had this car hold out until after Christmas?!?!”.
     Flash Forward to this week.  After a stressful time of figuring out new insurance, plates, registration, signing more paperwork then I knew was humanly possible, and putting down a down payment in an amount more substantial than I have ever spent in one moment, I am now the proud owner of my very own car.  This is the first car I have ever purchased, and its way fancier than anything I have ever driven before.  In fact, I kept looking at it as I walk up to it and thinking, “Holy Cow!  Is this really mine?!?!”
     It’s funny how in the matter of a couple of weeks I went from being mad at God for giving me one more thing I just didn’t think I could handle, to praising Him for blessing me with something so far beyond what I feel deserving of!  Perspective is everything, I guess!  But seriously, who knew in the midst of the pain I felt and stress I went through when my last car died, that God was going to have this beautiful thing prepared for me!  My new car, which I think I am going to name “Florence” because that just seems fancy enough to be her name, happened to show up on the car dealership lot the very day I went looking for a new car.  Not only that but she happened to be the very Make and Model I was looking for and exactly in my price range.  I don’t know why God blessed me with such a nice car, I certainly don’t deserve it, but God am I thankful!  It seems something God is showing me in all of this is that while I so often think He's not there for me when I need Him, He actually always is and He always will be right by my side working things out in ways I never could have imagined!  Thank you God for loving me so!
Jess   

Getting Real about the "V" word... and I'm not talking about virginity!

There’s a scene from last season of “This is Us” where Kevin, who has ended up in rehab, returns to his room after an intense family counseling session and his mom, Rebecca, is sitting in there waiting for him.  She tells him about this memory she has of him and his sibling’s being dropped off for their first day of kindergarten and how while his brother and sister were crying and clinging to her, Kevin just walked right into the class and never looked back.  Then she looks at him and says, “I never worried about you.  I never worried about you because I never thought I had to”.  I remember watching that scene and crying my eyes out.  Something about those words in particular so strongly stood out to me.

Now flash forward to last week in my own life, and here I am having a pretty vulnerable conversation about how while there are some issues in my life that I have been struggling with for a while now, I doubt any of my friends or family would ever say so or even think that it is true.  I am not really sure what I expected the response to be, but I certainly wasn’t expecting the person on the other end of that conversation to say something along the lines of “of course not!  Why would they?  You’ve clearly worked very hard never to give them a reason to worry about you”.  Suddenly, at that moment, Rebecca’s words to Kevin came flooding back to me, knocking the air right out of my lungs… “I never worried about you because I never thought I had to.”

It’s become increasingly clear to me over the past several months how ridiculously hard I work to portray this persona to the world that I am fine, while the whole time I am slowly dying inside.  That sounds so intense, this idea of slowly dying inside, but I think it explains it perfectly.  Somewhere along the line in life, I picked up this belief that I shouldn’t be real with people about my struggles.  And that if I were real, people would reject me.  I guess all of us believe that lie to some extent, but I recognize now that I’ve believed it so much so that I’ve insolated myself from even the possibility of letting that happen.  I don’t let people in.  I don’t let them see behind the mask.  And in the few times that I have allowed people look behind the curtain, I have immediately pushed them out, runway, or in some manner stopped connecting with them, as sort of an “I’m going to reject you before you can reject me” response. I know in some way I am doing this because I think I am protecting myself, but really all I’m actually doing is forcing people out of my life and reaffirming the false idea that if people really knew me, they would reject me.  I’m not being fair… not to myself and certainly not to others

This was all so clear to me as I sat in church this morning.  At my church we are in the midst of a sermon series on community and today’s sermon was all about vulnerability.  I can’t say that anything that was spoken today was something I hadn’t heard before.  It’s all things I know…but the visual illustration our pastor gave of a person in a straitjacket protected from the world but also unable to receive love or care or even concern, really brought the point home for me.  I need to open up.

 The thing is though, being vulnerable is not something I do well.  It’s not something I really do at all.  Yet over the past few months, weeks, and days, I have felt a sense of urgency in me like… now is time.  I can either choose to be vulnerable and walk out of the self-made prison cell I have been living in or succumb to the fact that this is just the way life is and how it will stay until I die.  I want better for myself.  I desire more from my life.  And while it’s scary to even post this, knowing I will actually see and interact with some of the people who will read it, I know it’s a step I need to take, because the truth is, I do believe it’s worth it to be vulnerable…now I just have to live it.

The Hard Work of Letting Your Guard Down...

   At the end of church today, our campus pastor said something in passing that truly grabbed my attention.  As he was closing up service and doing the altar call when he said something like, “let your guard down” …and I immediately thought, “when was the last time I actually had my guard down at church?”.  Honestly, I can’t even remember.  It seems like for years now I have been super skeptical when I walk in the church doors…skeptical of people, skeptical of sermons, skeptical of God himself.  I don’t want to be like that…I really don’t… and yet…I am…and sometimes it really sucks.  In fact, I often wonder how much I am missing out on just because I can’t seem to “let go and let god” as they say.

  I guess it all started in Ecuador.  I moved to this beautiful country to work with this beautiful people and felt like God had really led me to that place… and yet through such an experience I faced challenges that eventually lead my relationship with God and Christians in general to the breaking point.  I went from trusting God to lead me, to wondering if He was even for me... from believing that God could use my life to spread the gospel, to wondering why He even would.. and from trusting in the power of community, to experiencing the pain of having the very people you depend on flip on you and cause you to doubt if you've ever been loveable.  I basically walked into that country one person and left it a completely different person…and it has taken me years to even begin to try and put my relationships with God and others back on track.  So yeah, I have a guard up when it comes to church, and God, and the Christian community.

  So now that leads me to wondering how do I start letting that guard down, especially when so many of my interactions with the Christian community and God himself today bring up all the pain of the past several years.  Fortunately, or not I know the answer… dealing with the pain itself… but who wants to do that?!  Just kidding… Kind of.  I mean truly who wants to deal with pain?  No one.  But even though that’s true…it’s also a necessary step to healing and growth… and healing and growth is what I want.  So, even though sometimes the truth… sucks… but it’s also necessary and so now the hard work must begin.

"Own the Moment" by Carl Lentz...

  Okay Mr. Carl Lentz, I have to hand it to you… you are an amazing preacher, or in this case sharer, since you were really just sharing your heart in your book “Own the Moment”.  Now I will be honest…up until last weekend I really didn’t know much, if anything about you…and I probably wouldn’t have even picked up your book I had I not listened to a backdated convocation from Liberty University on YouTube that featured you preaching.  Honestly, I was a little skeptical of you when I found out you were associated with Hillsong.  Don’t get me wrong, I love their music, but people have told me in recent years that hillsong, bethel, and churches such as those were really just cults... wolves in sheep clothing.. and I needed to be aware.  I think I really only listened to your YouTube convocation sermon because it came from my school and… well, I figure it couldn’t be all bad if the school had let you in (which mind you, isn’t the best logic considering my school recently wouldn’t allow Shane Claiborne on campus and I have a lot of respect for that guy).  Anyway, I heard your sermon and decided to do a little research on you, only to discover you had a book… better yet, your book was/is on audible and you were the narrator (I am an audible snob and tend to listen to books only when the actual author is reading it).  Anyway, 7.25 hours later…or in my world, about a week… and I find not only do I have mad respect for you as a person…but also as a pastor.  God is using your life sir…which I am sure you don’t need some small-town girl you don’t know to tell you… and great things are gonna come from what you’ve written.

  Now for those of you reading this who haven’t read Carl Lentz’s book “own the moment”, my recommendation is to go out and get it a.s.a.p.  Not only is it full of practical advice, but there is life giving truth in each of it’s pages for both the Christian and non-Christian alike.  In the midst of him telling stories from his own life, you can find both a “I’m not alone” comfort and a kick in the pants to get over yourself that so many of us so often need.  I think for me personally, the biggest takeaway I took from the book was that people are worth investing it, whether that means other people…or even yourself.  God created every person on this earth and loves each and every one.  We all have value and if we take the time to truly see that…it will change our lives.

Honestly, peopling has never been my forte.  I have had moments of greatness when I’ve somehow figured out how to walk with my guard down long enough to make friends and influence people…but they’ve been short lived and often times have ended in me crashing and burning on the relational front.  Honestly, I’ve become so bad at friendship these past few years that a part of me has tried to act like I don’t need it, even though deep down I know connection to others is what my heart longs for.  Lentz’s book reminded me that my identity is in God and when I discover and understand that identity it frees me to open up to others and allow them to enter my heart while I enter theirs.  People become a whole lot less scary when we no longer are expecting anything from them, but rather just choose to love them because we know we are loved and we want to spread that love around.

  Another lesson I took away from this book was learning to appreciate the life that I have.  Lentz calls it having the right perspective…viewing life not as a bunch of “have to’s” but rather seeing life as a journey of “getting to”.  For me that means being thankful for the time I get to spend with my parents and recognizing how lucky I am to be able to listen to my mom tell me every detail about the tv shows she likes or the latest news on trump.  I may not be so interested in what she is saying, but I get to have these moments with her…to hear her voice and to sit next to her why she talks…so many other people don’t get to have that because either their mom has passed away or doesn’t live close by.  In that sense I am blessed and all it took was a little bit of perspective shifting to realize it and be thankful.  Of course this goes for other areas of my life as well, but this is the one that sticks out.

  There are so may other little lessons and confirmations that I got from this book as well.  Things like not letting fear hold you back and trusting god to make a way for you instead of trying to force your own way in life.  I could probably write several more post about all that I gleaned from this book, but honestly it doesn’t really help you that much to hear what the book spoke to me, instead it would be so much more valuable for you to go out and read it for yourself.  You might just be surprised to find all the ways God speaks to you through it!  So that’s my final (and I guess, first as well) thought…get this book and read it for yourself… I doubt you will regret it!