New Gym, New Motivation...

   I  haven't worked out in about 9 months and it has clearly MORE than started to show on my already overweight body....which has made me pretty self-conscious as of late.  Plus, I have been avoiding going to the doctor like the plague, because I know I have gained weight since the last time I saw her and I don't want her to yell at me.  So, recently I decided it's really time for a change and I need to get back into working out....the problem is, I am horrible at motivating myself to do it at home, and I really, really, really don't want to go back to my old gym.
  Now don't get me wrong, when I started at my old gym two years ago, I loved it.  I was pretty much doing mostly cardio on my own to begin with,  but I was soon convinced that by signing up and paying for personal training I would get better results.  So I did, and even that at the beginning was fine, but soon I found my trainer forgetting to make routines for me or even forgetting he was meeting with me. More than that....I wasn't losing weight even though, according to my trainer, I was "killing it"!  Then he convinced me to pay even more money to meet with the gym's nutritionist once a month.  I did  that too, and to be honest, it was very informative.  The only problem was I had no real accountability and struggled to stay on plan....and eventually gave up.
  At that point, I was starting to get frustrated and annoyed and decided it was time to switch trainers.  There was another trainer at the gym whom I liked and I thought we would work well together...and we did, for a long while.  But I still wasn't losing weight....in fact I was gaining weight.  Working hard and seeing no results made my commitment level waiver, and my lack of commitment rubbed off on my new trainer.  Soon I was only coming to the gym to go the training sessions, since I had paid for them, and half the time my trainer would just talk about life with me, her other clients, and her colleagues. Yeah, she still trained me and she usually remembered when we were meeting and she only forgot to make new routines for me a handful of times... but by then I was so unmotivated and over the gym that I just stopped giving any real effort, and both she and I knew it.  I was burned out, frustrated, and feeling like I was wasting all sorts of money without getting anywhere....so eventually, I just stopped going.  That was in April.
  Since then I have dreaded going back to the gym.  In fact, I am currently still paying membership fees and have like 15 unused training sessions at that old gym,  just cause I have no desire to walk in there ever again.  So when I started noticing the number on the scale going even higher, and that not only was my belly starting to hang over my jeans, but I was getting winded walking upstairs.... I started seriously thinking about going back to the gym, but just not my old one.
  Then one day I was on facebook and a picture of an old friend popped up.  Somehow seeing her picture reminded me of the one time I went a took a class with her at her gym.  That gym is legitimately 3 minutes from my current job and about 10 minutes from home.  So I decided to reach out to them.  Now to be honest, when I reached out I really wasn't sure they would allow me to join.  From what I had vaguely remembered, the workouts were hard and I am clearly not in shape.  But I reached out anyway and it turns out, they didn't care how out of shape I am.
  I am now currently 7 days into my free 10 day trial with them and I got to say, I was pretty much sold after day two.  I love the atmosphere in the gym, and for a girl who always shied away from classes, I have found in a group setting my competitive nature sturs up and I end up pushing myself harder than I would working out on my own.  And although there has been at least 1 moment in every class when I've literally felt like "maybe I can't do this"...the classes are only 35 minutes so I always make it through.
  So...I think I found myself a new gym!  Now I just need to officially join....and FINALLY cancel that old gym membership!

Morning Interupted....a lesson in kindness

  One of my worst traits is that I often think the worst of people and jump to the worst conclusions about situations before I even give people or things a chance to explain themselves.  And sometimes...due to this pessimistic nature of mine... I do, say, or think things that ultimately prove that I am nothing more than a complete ASS.  This morning was one of those moments.

  My morning started off great. I woke up at my normal time, sat in my normal chair, drinking my normal cup of cream only coffee...when all of a sudden I was called out of my nice normal routine by my father who needed help with his car.  You see, my father and I park in the same driveway and for some reason, his car battery decided to die sometime between the time when we switched the placement of our cars last night and when he went to leave this morning.  And to be honest, my dad was really just trying to be considerate of me by asking me to help him move his car into the road so that I wouldn't have any trouble getting out of the driveway when it was time for me to leave for work...but at the moment I didn't see it that way. 

  So here I was in my pajamas and messy hair, outside in the freezing rain sitting in my father's car turning the wheel for him, while he pushed the car out into the road and then over to the curve...all the while grumpy as could be.  Then, to make matters worse, once my father pushed the car out of the driveway, it rolled to a stop right in the middle of the road and we couldn't get it to budge again.  My father kept yelling at me to "Turn the Wheel", while I kept yelling back "I am!  You need to push!", but no mater how much shade we threw at each other the car just sat there blocking the entire road.

  About this time, I started thinking how making my 75-year-old father push a car by himself with me in it wasn't all that fair, especially since he's been feeling pretty sick the past few days,  and so I decided we should switch places so he could rest.  So, with my grumpy attitude, I jumped out of the car while my father jumped in and I started pushing.  And I pushed and I pushed and I pushed, only to have the car move a grand total of one inch before stopping again!

  At this point, I was tired, and wet, and annoyed that my nice relaxing morning routine was being ruined, when one of our neighbors pulled out of their driveway and started driving right towards us.  I hate to admit that I immediately screamed out loud "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!", thinking "hello, you can see me struggling to push this car from your driveway.  Why would you drive your car right towards me knowing I'm not going to be able to move it fast enough for you to get by!  What is wrong with you?!".  

  Of course, the question should have been, what is wrong with me because my neighbor wasn't driving towards me to try and pass by and carry on his way.  No, he was driving over towards us so that he could help me push the car.  My neighbour...who I basically just told off without even knowing his intention... got out of his car and with one quick push moved the car to the side of the road as joyful as could be.  Then he stopped to see if we needed any more help before carrying on with his day!  

  It was in that moment I realised just how much of an ASS I was.  Here I assumed the worst of this guy, yet here he went out of his way to help us out...and he did it all with a smile on his face!  I immediately felt remorse and like I owed this man something.  He had reminded me that not all people are bad and that the world still can be a kind place...and now it is my duty to pass that on. So the next time I find myself in a situation where I can help some other grumpy little damsel in distress, I'm gonna think of this man and do my best to be the kind of neighbor he was today!  And maybe this little act of kindness will get passed on again, and together it will help make this world a better place.

The Hazards of Cough Medicine...

  Every year, when the fall starts rolling in, I get a cough.  Unfortunately, said cough usually lasts until February or mid-March, and it's absolutely annoying.  Not only that, but My cough likes to play this little game with me where it gets my hopes up by almost disappearing and then comes right back with a vengeance.  For the past week, I have been in the blissful state of believing that my cough was finally going away.  For the first time in weeks, I could make it through reading an entire picture book to my class without on cough interrupting it...and it was glorious.  Then my dad got sick, and before I knew it...my cough started coming back. Last night my cough got so bad that I just could not sleep and was reduced to drugging myself with Delysum around 2am in the morning.  Of course, what I didn't know at the time was that in some rare cases Delysum can cause nightmares.  And who would have thought I would be one of those rare cases!

   I ended up having this horrible dream where these drug dealers set up these checkpoints all around my neighborhood where they tried to convince people to stop by saying they needed help.  Then when people stopped they overdosed them by throwing some powdery drug all over them, and then stole all their cash.  In my dream, I saw this happen to the car in front of me and determined that I would not be duped when I drove by the checkpoint.  Of course, I wasn't expecting a second checkpoint, nor was I expecting the guys behind this to be so aggressive.  While I tried to drive past the second checkpoint, one of the guys there started yanking down my driver's side window and hung from it while I started driving away.  Then somehow...cause you know, dreams....he was able to grab some filmy paper from his friend and tried to wipe it on my face through the window.  I was quick on my feet though and threw it back at him, which caused the guy to start foaming from the mouth and convulsing.  He fell from my car window and one of his friends ran to help him, but dropped a whole bag of the powdery drug all over him, causing them both to begin seizing and foaming at the mouth even more.  This gave me time to get away, or so I thought.

  Instead, the rest of the guys in the group jumped into their car and started chasing me, and contrary to what I always think I will do if I am ever being followed, I led them straight to my house!  Once I got home, I ran inside and locked all the doors and windows.  I even push one of our couches in front of one of the doors because I was afraid it wasn't secure enough.  Then I called for my parents to run upstairs and hide because I could hear the men running around the house trying to find a way in and I knew it was only a matter of time before they were successful.  

  For some reason, my father hid in the bathtub....which, why would anyone actually do that, but whatever!  The bad guys ended up entering the house through the cellar door and somehow knew to immediately go to the upstairs bathroom to find my father.  I saw them enter the bathroom and so I tried to stop them by banging one over the head with a metal rod on the floor... cause you know, we all keep random rods on the floor!  My attempt to attack the attackers failed miserably though, and they captured me, forcing me to watch while they started torturing my father by using scissors to cut small portions of skin off his toes.  

  Next thing I knew I was startling myself awake screaming "NO!" out loud!  It took me a good 15 minutes to calm myself down afterward and realize this was all, in fact, just a dream and I had nothing to worry about.  Moral of the story....read the fine print and find out the possible side effects of the medication before you take it, or risk having some crazy ass dreams that will keep you up half the night!

Casting Crowns with Friends...

    This past weekend I got to take two of my girlfriends to see Casting Crowns in concert at the Mass Mutual Center!  It was such an awesome concert... and not just because I have spent the last several years being ministered to by their songs... but because I got to share this special worship moment with my friends!  You see, these women have stood by me through my darkest most heart-wrenching times.  They have listened to me, prayed for me, supported and encourage me even when I was least deserving.  They've never judged me or pushed me to move through my struggles faster then I am ready to.  They've just been there, with me, trusting Jesus for me...and I couldn't be more grateful.  So as I sat there in this concert, letting each song bring up memories of where I've been and a celebration of where I am at, I couldn't help but be overwhelmed to have once again these ladies stand beside me.

  You see I've never been very good at voicing my struggles.  I have a tendency to bottle everything up because, as I shared in my last post, I fear if I show my weakness then people will reject me.  And to be honest I haven't really told these ladies my whole story, yet in the moments I've come to them in need, they've shown me nothing but love.

   The interesting things was during the Casting Crowns concert Mark C. Hall showed a video of himself speaking about how he witnessed to a friend and how it was his imperfection that allowed him to share the gospel humbly.  His words captured this idea of letting God use your weakness to shine a light through you...and the truth of that sentiment really struck a chord with me.  I think in part that was because I was standing beside these two women who have allowed Jesus to do just that through them.  Neither of these ladies is perfect.  And while they've always shown me support, they have also shared so many of their struggles with me and allowed me to support them too.  Yet it wasn't until I was sitting there with them listening to Mark's words that I began to realize how it is in the middle of their struggles that I've seen Jesus the most.  They've never been perfect, they've never had it all together, yet they have always allowed Jesus to use even their weaknesses to show them how to be there for me!  In fact, they've often admitted their faults as in the midst of ministering to me, as a testimony to God's greatness! Standing there worshipping God with them while having this realization made me even that much more thankful for their lives and how God continually uses them to bless my life!

  So while I went to this concert to enjoy some good music with good company, I left with the realization that God is always at work, and just like the bible says in 2 Corinthians 12:9, even (or maybe especially in) our weakness God is made perfectly strong!  So, Lord, I pray that you would help me to be more willing to be vulnerable and allow you to minister to others through my struggles.  Help me to learn from my friends and from this message from Mark that even my imperfections can be used by you to touch the hearts of others.  Make me more like you Jesus and shine your light through me.  Amen

The Truth That Sets You Free...

  The other day I was walking through the hallway at school with one of my students while carrying a large box in my arms.  Now being the clumsy person that I am, I naturally bumped into a cart full of cooking supplies that was sitting in the hall, pushing the majority of the contents of the cart onto the floor.  I let out a heavy sigh, as kind of a "of course that would happen to me" response, and my student looked up at me and said, "It's okay Ms. Jessica.  We all make mistakes.  You just need to learn from them".  Now, this is a sentiment I often repeat in my classroom, and it was nice to see that this student, in particular, had in some way picked up on it, but these words hit me like a ton of bricks.  You see, while I strive to teach my students that mistakes are how we learn, I personally hate making mistakes!  It's something that I have struggled with since I was a little girl.  In fact, I tend to be a perfectionist.  It wasn't until recently though, like in the last year or so, that it's really started dawning on me that my desire to be perfect has very little to do with never getting anything wrong and everything to do with fearing that what I do get wrong will be cause for rejection.

  Now if you've been around this blog for some time, you know that this seems to be a running theme in many of my posts... this fear or rejection.  And the only thing I can see this fear boiling down to is my lack of understanding about my acceptance in Christ.  The truth is, if I truly understood how much God loves me and how valuable and important I am to Him, I wouldn't worry about being rejected by other people, and I would stop being so afraid of making mistakes.  It's all so interconnected.

  And I've probably talked about this before, but one thing I have been trying to do is take the things I am struggling with...like fears... and analyzing them to determine what lies I am believing, and then comparing those lies to the truth of God.  In the times that I have actually done this and then continually preached the correlating scriptures to myself, I have actually seen a difference in the power my fears have, and I've watched those issues become less of a burden for me.  Yet for some reason, I keep forgetting this valuable practice.

  I think part of the problem is I don't always feel like I know what I am doing when it comes to spiritual things.  Kind of a funny statement for a former missionary to make, I know, but true nonetheless.  The reality is often I will start of seeking God's truth one way, then flip-flop to another method, only to get bored and try something else...all of which leads to discouragement on my part and a feeling like I will never get it right (see...perfectionist!).  For the last few weeks, I have been reading scripture in a chronological order hoping that something might just jump out to me related to a lie I am believing without actually considering what those lies are and what struggle they might be connected to.  Let's just say that hasn't been the best system.

  Then this morning at church they handed out a pamphlet of 90 statements from scripture that state who we are in Christ.  As I was reading through the paper this afternoon, I was overwhelmed with how many scriptures there are that speak to our acceptance in Christ and what that means.  It was like as I was reading each statement I was reminded that my struggles with fear of rejection are only overcome by taking the time to let these verses really sink in!  As the song goes, that is how I fight my battles (although that song is technically about worship..but what I am saying is still a valid point!)

  The Bible says in John 8:32 that when you know the truth, it will set you free.  I think that's what I experience when I actually consider what lies I am believing and use scripture to speak to my struggles.... freedom.  So while making mistakes might not be my favorite thing, recognizing that my perfectionist nature comes out of a fear of rejection, and then seeking what God's word has to say about who I am in Him, is only for the best.  So maybe I really should take my own advice and believe that mistakes truly do help us learn!

 

Treasure, Generousity, and Trusting God

                                  "Where your treasure is, there your heart will also be."
                                                                     Luke 12:34

  I'd like to think that I am a generous person, but the truth of the matter is...I'm not.  I look at my bank account, and I often think I will never have enough money to have the things I want in life, so instead of giving away what I have I often hold onto it tightly and try to figure out how I can get more.  Now some of that comes from the fear that someday something is going to happen and I'm going to need money to get out of it.  The rest pretty much stems from feeling like I should have already obtained a certain level of stability at this point in my life, and since I haven't, I feel like I must work harder and strive more in order to save and get there.  But, even I know that no matter how hard I work and how much I save, I'll never have enough.  I'm always going to feel the what if's and should be's creeping into my mind telling me that I have to keep saving and doing more to have what I think I should have.  It's like an addition.

  However, when I really think about it, this addiction to having, to working hard and getting more, really has nothing to do with money or things and everything to do with feeling important and valuable.  Somewhere along the line, I learned that a meaningful life means you have x, y, and z and since I don't have those things yet, I keep working hard to get them.  In reality, I am just trying to win approval, and I think if I can just get enough money, be stable enough, then people will have to accept me and see me as important.  Yet...life is not really like that...or at least not the kind of life I want to live.  There's got to be more... and I know there is.

  Today at church our pastor talked about aligning our hearts with the heart of God, particularly when it comes to how we spend our resources.  He used the verse above to remind us that life's not really about what we have but who has us.  When we know that we are God's and all the riches of heaven are ours through Him, we are no longer afraid of not having enough because we know God will always provide for us.  Accepting this changes our thinking and frees us from being caught in the trap of always needing more.  It enables us to become generous people.

  Now I know it seems like I am talking about two different things here...first I started talking about money and generosity, then I started talking about approval and acceptance, then I went back to money... but the thing is, at least in my life, the two things go hand in hand.  I work hard to make money so I can save it and become something and people will accept me.  But, based on today's sermon, if I truly understood that I was already accepted and fully loved by God, I would stop striving and not only receive from God but know that I can give it all away and still be loved and loveable.  It's all about a shift in my mindset.  It's knowing and believing that God is for me and will provide for all my needs.

  I wish I could say, one sermon has changed everything for me in this area.  That contemplating God's love and goodness towards me automatically freed me from my own striving and clinging to what I have, but honestly...I'm a work in progress. There are still so many questions I have, so much I don't know, and so much growing I need to do in this area.  But I am choosing to believe that the more I press into God, the more that I test Him in this area, the more I will see Him move in my life. So I guess the challenge to myself is can I trust God more, believe I am fully accepted in Him, and allow that truth to change me into a more generous being?  I guess time will tell.

Keep pushing forward...

  This school year did not start off as I expected.  When the new year began in September, we did not have enough enrollment in our preschool to sustain 2 teachers in my classroom and so my co-teacher, and I began a job share that left each of us in the classroom alone at different shifts for several months.  In December, we finally got to the point in our school year when the enrollment numbers have come in, and we can be back together, and unfortunately, my co-teacher needed to take an indefinite leave of absence.  As if losing such a great co-teacher wasn't hard enough, it came at a time where we added new students to our class, and one of our previous students began to severally struggle with some behavior issues.  To say that the past month has been stressful would be the understatement of the year!
  However, in the midst of the everyday struggles, there has been one thought that has kept me going and helped me to approach each new day with hope and a sense of perseverance.  That thought is the knowledge that God never once gives up on me!  I am not the most compliant follower of Jesus Christ.  I wish I were.  I am working to become more obedient, but honestly, in many ways, I still act like a child who thinks she knows what is best for her life and gets mad when God tries to tell me to do something other than what I think is best.  Like my student who is struggling, I can throw amazingly large tantrums in front of God.  I can throw things and spit in his face and basically show no remorse for my actions. Then when things start to fall apart, I will have the audacity to blame God for the trouble I find myself in. I know my behavior is ridiculous.  I want to stop myself.  And yet time and time again, this is exactly how I find myself acting.
  The amazing thing is though, that even though I can't seem to pull myself out of this vicious cycle, God NEVER gives up on me.  He keeps persuing me and drawing me to himself.  When I push him away, He is patient.  When I throw a tantrum, He tells me to bring those big feelings to Him because He can take it.  And when I start pushing everyone else away and should be bringing God to the end of His rope, He just holds on longer and seeks new ways to bring me back to Him!  It makes absolutely no sense why He would love me so, but I guess genuine love like that... it isn't logical!
  Now if God can love me like that, well then He must also love those I work with and the children and families in my care in the same way!  And if He has placed me in the position to be the teacher and the leader in our room at this time, then He must have also empowered me to have the same Never Give Up attitude that He has.  So, while the days might not be easy, and while I might feel like each moment is a chess match that I am just one move away from losing.  I can keep pushing forward because God is with me and the same power at lives in Him, is in me!  The Bible puts its best when it says in Philippians 4: 13, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength"!  I thank God for never giving up on me, and I thank Him for showing me that  I can choose to never give up on others too!  It's not easy to love like this, but in the end I think God has shown us that it is always worth it!  So each day I wake up, and I keep moving forward knowing that eventually love...in particular the love of God... changes everything!

Goodbye 2018, Hello 2019.

  Someone much wiser than me once said, “The days are long, but the years are short.”  And apparently, they knew exactly what they were talking about.  However, I also think what the quote fails to say but should include is that in those long days things will often seem so hard and you may feel like you are never making any progress, but the years will tell you otherwise.  As I look back over 2018, at first, it seems like it was such a hard year.  So often I felt like I was struggling and like things were never quite working out. Many times I felt like I was taking two steps forward and three steps back.  And I can’t even tell you how many moments I just wanted to give up and throw in the towel with so many things.  Yet, when I look deeper, there are so many great things that happened as well.  In 2018 we celebrated my parents 50^th wedding anniversary, I got a new job, I graduated with my degree, my relationship with God got back on track, and I even got a new car.  And when I consider all this, I realize that 2018 actually was a pretty great year and I was completely blessed even in the midst of the valleys!  For that I am thankful.

  Looking forward to 2019 I have no idea what to expect.  Last year did not end how I had planned in many ways, so that makes me both nervous and excited for the next 365 days.  I did not make any new year resolutions for this new year either (for probably the first time in a while), but for the first time in maybe ever I feel like I have a word for the coming year…and by word, I literally mean a single word.  A few weeks ago, I began praying for this new year and asking God to give me some encouragement that would last me the whole year through.  I wasn’t sure what exactly I was hoping to hear from God, but the word “steadfast” kept coming up.  Now honestly, steadfast isn’t a word that I usually use in my everyday conversations and so I had to look up what it means.  I found out that the literal definition is resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering.  And the common synonyms are things like devoted, solid, constant, dependable, and true.  And somehow I just knew, while not what I expected when I asked God to give me an encouraging word, this was exactly it!

  Now I can’t honestly say I know what it means that 2019 feels like it will be defined by the word “steadfast.”  Maybe it means that God will show Himself steadfast in my life or maybe God is calling me and reminding me to stay steadfast in my journey of life.  I really don’t know.  But there’s something about going into a new year with this word at the foundation that makes me feel full of hope and ready for whatever the year holds.  So, what about you?  What word (or words) are you holding onto in this new year?

Our Words have Power, Speak Truth over Yourself

  A few days ago I was sitting down drinking my morning coffee and browsing through Youtube when I came across an old Kristina Kuzmic video.  Now if you don't know who Kristina Kuzmic is, she's the lady who does all the funny truth bomb videos that sometimes pop up on your Facebook feed...and if you don't have facebook anymore (since apparently that's not cool anymore...per my teenage niece) well, you've probably seen her videos somewhere else (like Youtube!).  Anyway, in this particular video she invites a few women into her home, meeting with them one at a time, and discussing with each of them the harsh things we all say to ourselves.  The women share things like, "I feel like I am a bad mother" or "I am such a slob", all while admitting they really don't have a basis for saying these things to themselves and that they would never say such things to other people in their lives (meaning they wouldn't call other people "bad mom's" or "slobs").  Then she hands them each a picture of themselves as a child and asks if they would say those same things to the little girl looking back at them.  One by one the women have this realization that they wouldn't talk to the little girl in the picture the way they talk to themselves, and yet that little girl still lives inside them.  It's really powerful to watch (you can see it here).
  As I finished the video, I couldn't help but start thinking about all the harsh things I say about and to myself.  Not only that, but also how much I actually believe what I am saying to myself even though I have no proof to back it up.  For example, I tend to reprimand myself with the phrase, "You're so stupid" or "You're such an idiot."  I have said things like that to myself since I was little even though I have never failed any course and I seem to be able to hold intellectual conversations with most people.  Don't get me wrong, I have had my fair share of academic struggles and misunderstandings in life, but I have never had a real reason to believe that I am stupid.  Yet I believed I was..and so it was easy to call myself out for being so when I felt frustrated.  It actually took me until this year when I graduated with my degree with a 4.0 GPA that I even began to challenge this idea of being stupid and began to think that maybe I actually am smart.  It seems every day I seem to let go a little of this lie and hold onto the truth a little bit more. But the truth... it takes work... I have to put in the effort of constantly reminding myself of the truth and to look at the body of evidence available to me to believe the truth. And I think the same thing goes for every lie we believe.
  In fact, at the beginning of this year I started attending my very first community group and one thing the leaders talked about a lot was replacing the lies we believe with the truth of God's word.  At first, I kind of thought this was a bogus concept...repeating Bible verses to yourself seemed nothing more than a Stuart Smalley Daily Affirmation Sketch (not that I've ever actually watched Saturday Night Live, except on Youtube).  Anyway, it wasn't until recently when I actually decided to just try it for myself.  I had been struggling with some pretty serious anxiety and literally was fearing getting out of bed some mornings when two bible verses popped into my head.  The first was "For God has not given you a spirit of fear but of power and love and a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7).  And the second was, "The peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus" (Philippians 4:7).  At first, I just started repeating those words to myself, then I started praying them...as if to remind God and myself of His promises.  I've done this for weeks now, and you know what?  I didn't notice it right away, but my anxiety has started to fade.  That's not to say that now I am cured...cause I don't think God has worked it like that.  Instead, in those moments when I feel anxiety welling up inside of me, I feel like I have this tool to take me to Jesus and let him calm my spirit.  And when I do, things get better.  Its like, in those moments, the lies that tell me I am always going to be anxious, and I have so many things to fear in life, are overcome by the truth... the truth that this is not the way I was created, that in Christ I have the power and the ability to overcome anything that comes my way, and that His peace guards me in all things. 
   Now, I don't want you to think like I did, that this is all some sort of hocus pocus.... like if you just say the right words at the right time for a specific amount of days then magically things change.  It's not like that.  This is actually something much deeper and so much bigger.  This is God setting the record straight.  This is allowing God to take back what the enemy has tried to steal from us!  Truth...specifically the Truth of God, can set us all free...and no matter what you struggle with, no matter what lies you believe, there's a promise of God for you!  All you need to do is remind yourself of His truth and allow the power of the Word of God transform you and your life!  So maybe for you, it's looking at the video I referenced above and considering what harsh lies you tell yourself.  And then maybe it means cracking open God's word and allowing Him to show you the truth.  There's a little girl (or in case your a male reading this...boy) inside of all of us and she (he) deserves to hear the truth!  Discover it and speak it over yourself!

Mary, Jesus, His Brothers, and Me...

  The other night I was driving to my sister's house listening to Christmas music (cause HELLO Christmas is a week away!) and the song "Mary Did You Know?" by Pentatonix came on.  Now this is one of those classic Christmas songs that you listen to every year, so I probably shouldn't have been so taken aback by it, but I think for the first time I actually really listened to the lyrics and to say they spoke to me would probably be an understatement.  If you don't know the song (where have you been?!?!  Just kidding!), it's basically all these questions asked to Mary the mother of Jesus and each one declares all that Jesus was and would do in this world.  Things like walking on water, healing a blind man, saving the world are just a few of the things the song mentions.  But one line in particular really caught my attention.  It's not actually a question, it's a statement...one of the few out right things the song declares.  After starting off asking Mary if she knew her son was from heaven, the song simply states, "when you kiss your little baby, you kiss the face of God"!  What a powerful visual of such a holy moment!  Can you imagine being Mary as a young woman, newly married and holding baby Jesus... literally the Son of God... in her hands!  What an astounding moment that must have been and what amazing opportunities she must have experienced in being Jesus' mother.  I can't even fathom it!

  Then this morning, I was sitting and reading the Gospel of Mark where it talks about Jesus's mother and brothers coming to see Him while He is out preaching in an over crowded house.   As the story goes, his family basically thinks Jesus is out of his mind, and they have come to talk Him out of carrying on this nonsense.  The story is just a sentence or two but reading it I couldn't help but think "how did Mary get from the place of being visited by angels and told she would be the mother of the savior of the world, to the place of questioning what Jesus was even doing proclaiming to be the Son of God?".  At first, I didn't seem to get it...why the change of heart?  Was it the power of a group of her children complaining about their "brother" that got her to join in and want to call Jesus out?  Did she just go along because she couldn't talk to her other sons out of trying to confront Jesus?  What was the deal?!

  Then I started thinking about my own life and how I've literally had all these holy moments with God over the years myself ...moments where He's been more real to me than even my best friend... but as those moments have gotten further and further behind me I have often started to forget and doubt the God in them.  Then suddenly I understood what might have happened to Mary.  Sure she "kept all these things in her heart" about who Jesus was and what the angel had declared, but were they also on her mind.  As Jesus grew and these moments got further and further behind her, I could imagine it must have been hard to hold onto them and the holiness of all she had been through.  And in the midst of the ordinariness of life, the extraordinary nature of Jesus might have just gotten lost for her.  Plus, Jesus didn't exactly do what people expected so maybe when Jesus started His ministry it wasn't what Mary thought the angel had meant and it threw her for a loop.

  I guess there's really know way to really tell what Mary was thinking or feeling at that moment, in fact, I might be so far off in my understanding and ideas of these Biblical stories... but none the less, my thought process has reminded me of the importance of keeping these holy moments with God at the forefront of my mind.  Jesus is real and God has shown Himself strong to me throughout my life. And just like Jesus's brothers may have felt Jesus was out of His mind, there will be people in my life who doubt who Jesus is and will want to convince me that God is not real. However, like Mary, I have experienced God in miraculous ways, and I need to learn from her life never to forget who He is to me.  Not only that but I should also never let the ordinariness of life strip away the miracle of having a relationship with God....no matter how distant my last "holy moment" with Him may feel.